An informative letter to Jon Gruden as he rejoins the AFC West

Dear John Gruden, the AFC West has changed in several ways since you were last here. We hope you find this letter useful going forward.

Mr. Gruden –

On behalf of at least one of your future rivals in the AFC West, I would like to express our excitement in having you rejoin the division. Please believe me when I say you are a welcome sight, and I hope you are treated with the warm and gracious welcome that you deserve.

To say that we’re overwhelmed with joy to see you again doesn’t do it justice, so I hope you feel at home as quick as possible.

I know these times are going to be stressful for you. Starting a new job is always high on those lists you see posted on a counselor’s wall of the most stressful moments in a person’s life. Moving is typically listed there as well, and given the future relocation to Las Vegas, you’re likely in for some stressful days ahead. Let us know if we can provide a meal or anything to help ease the burden.

Perhaps you’re wondering why we were so glad to hear the news from our neighbors about your return to the area. Of course, it’s largely about being a good neighbor but we’re also quite excited that this means you’ve also changed careers. That has to be nerve-wracking to jump back into coaching even though it’s been a decade since you’ve actually coached anything other than your son on how to make his bed.

I can’t imagine that you’ll have any problems adjusting back to the sidelines again. It’s not like the league has changed much in that time. Plus you were so good at it the last time you were here, especially your last several years in Tampa. I mean, you were Jeff Fishering it before that mustachioed wimp ever hovered around .500 year after year.

What’s even better is how you took a team developed by someone else (in your case, Tony Dungy) and showed up what’s what by riding those coattails to the Super Bowl title. Then you showed him what’s up by not even making the playoffs the next two years—like when you throw something valuable to your wife in an argument and shatter it on the floor. You sure showed them!

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My favorite part about having you back in the league is your tremendous ability to deceive everyone. It’s amazing, really. How you came to be known as an offensive guru and yet never once ranked in the top half of the NFL in total offense in any given year during your 7 years with the Bucs is beyond me. That’s incredible!

And it’s a good thing that you’re here in Oakland just in time to save Derek Carr. I mean, you’re the quarterback guru. The list of incredible quarterbacks you helped during your tenure in Tampa is a veritable Who’s Who of quarterbacking over the last 20 years—from Chris Simms to Bruce Gradkowski, from Luke McCown to Brian Griese, from Brad Johnson to Shaun King. I don’t know why ESPN didn’t double the amount of time you spent with each incoming quarterback into the draft because you clearly have the magic touch.

Even more, I just can’t get over the perfect positioning of all of this. I can’t think of a place more used to overly exaggerated additions than Oakland already. For months, we all heard megaphones declaring the Raiders future dominance because they’d signed Marshawn Lynch. Unfortunately he was more Least Mode than anything else, but that’s what the Raiders are so good at—inflating expectations with such pomp and circumstance only to find the circumstances never really changing as a bottom-dwelling franchise whose fans look like you’ve seen them on Jerry Springer.

More than anything, I’m just glad to see you here and to know that you’re already comfortable patting Andy Reid on the back since you all are such good friends. With two consecutive AFC West titles in a row and 15 wins in his last 17 starts and a clear quarterback of the future already in house, the Chiefs are pretty much perched atop the standings for quite some time. Coach Reid will welcome more congratulations from you in the days and months ahead.

Mr. Gruden, on behalf of the rest of the AFC West, we welcome you with open arms back to the AFC West. If there’s anything you need as you get settled in, you’ll likely find it where the Raiders keep most things—somewhere in the basement.

Sincerely,

Chiefs Kingdom

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