Monday Night Nightmare: Attack Of The Zombie Chiefs
The Zombie Chiefs are coming for the San Diego Chargers.
Last year, the heavens opened and the boys from San Diego were treated to some Monday Night Magic. They lost the game but managed to escape with their lives.
This year, however, there will be no magic. This year, the San Diego Chargers are walking into a Monday Night Nightmare.
It began weeks ago with the emergence of Zombie Cassel. Cassel, the Chiefs QB though dead, returned from the grave not once, but twice in games against the Vikings and Colts to lead his team to crucial second half victories. I warned you that Zombie Cassel was unstoppable. I warned you that if Zombie Cassel was able to stick around that he might start biting some of his teammates in the locker room.
It appears as though it has happened. We are now watching the Zombie Chiefs.
Plenty of tales from the Black Hole, after the jump.
Like every Zombie outbreak, it all starts with just one person being bit. In this case, it was the most important person, QB Matt Cassel.
Once Cassel rose from the grave, he immediately began spreading his condition to his teammates. It quickly became apparent that something was wrong with WR Dwayne Bowe. He is clearly not of this world.
Bowe’s close proximity to the other receivers is likely what caused Steve Breaston to also begin walking the walk of the undead. He’s been nothing short of scary in recent weeks.
But what is really alarming is the performance of some of the other players on this team. We are seeing Zombie Chiefs-type play from guys we were never sure were alive to begin with.
For example:
Zombie Jon McGraw
Zombie Tyson Jackson
Zombie Jackie Battle
It is also obvious the infection has spread to the DBs. Guys like Kendrick Lewis, Brandon Flowers, Brandon Carr and even Javier Arenas all appear to have been bitten.
The only question seems to be how it all started. A source close to the situation says a dirty man with a filthy hat and a bushy beard showed up on the KC sidelines around the time of the outbreak. Unfortunately, no one has been able to get close enough to the man (due to smell) to inquire as to who he is, though the players have been calling him “Hobo Haley” because of his striking resemblance to the team’s former head coach Todd Haley, who has been missing since the team’s 0-3 start.
The Zombie Chiefs devoured their latest victim on Sunday in Oakland. It was carnage from the opening whistle until the Raiders were pronounced dead by the officials at 28-0.
Hobo Haley and his band of Zombie Chiefs are now reportedly marching back to Kansas City. They are estimated to arrive at Arrowhead Stadium, not shockingly, on Halloween Night just in time for Monday Night Football.
It is expected that the Zombie Chiefs’ power will be at it’s most horrible on All Hallows Eve.
Next Monday Night, I suggest you lock the doors, turn out the lights and pull down the shades. Put the little ones to bed and be sure to gather supplies. Snacks, beer and San Diego Chargers voodoo dolls are a good start. Gather around your TV and see if you can ride out the carnage.
Those with weak stomachs, heart conditions and who identify themselves as Chargers fans should avert their eyes.
It’s going to be bloody.
It’s going to be a Monday Night Nightmare at Arrowhead Stadium.
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