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Why I Hate The Patriots

By Nicholas Parker

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On Monday night Tom Brady will play only his third game at Arrowhead, and only the sixth game of his career against the Kansas City Chiefs. Given the absolute rarity of these two teams meeting, I began to reflect on how I feel about the Patriots, and why. You see, after our three AFC West Division rivals (and maybe that other team from the Midwest quarterbacked by a Sasquatch), the Patriots are the NFL team I most despise. Interestingly, I know I’m not alone in this sentiment. In fact, it seems that the Patriots are pretty much hated by the entire world outside of New England (side note: good luck trying to convince a Pats fan there is a world outside of New England).

it seems that Patriots are pretty much hated by the entire world outside of New England

This got me thinking, why do I hate New England so much? I mean, sure, the Chiefs are 1-4 against the Tom Brady-led Patriots, but that’s spread out over the course of a 14 year career. Hardly something worth getting upset about. If anything, Tom Brady and fans of New England should probably hate us more. So why do I hate this team that seemingly has nothing to do with our beloved Chiefs? Glad you asked.

During the course of my reflection, I managed to find a number of personal experiences that I think inform my decision to hate the Patriots. Some are less personal than others, and one in particular is admittedly petty, but hey, do I really need a reason to hate the Patriots? Follow along and I’ll explain.

Scott Pioli and the “Patriot Way”

Dec 2, 2012; Kansas City, MO, USA; Kansas City Chiefs general manager Scott Pioli before the game against the Carolina Panthers at Arrowhead Stadium. Mandatory Credit: John Rieger-USA TODAY Sports

Arguably my number one reason to hate the Patriots, and one that is relatively recent. We all know the story. In 2009 Kansas City landed a “dream GM” in Scott Pioli, who was coming off a seven year tenure in New England that resulted in three Super Bowl championships as well as an undefeated season and fourth Super Bowl appearance (18-1 lol). Pioli looked to bring these winning ways to Kansas City, aiming to restore the franchise to its former glory and bring Kansas City a Super Bowl for the first time since the year my father was born.

Pioli looked to bring these winning ways to Kansas City

Pioli and new head coach Todd Haley started rough, finishing the 2009 season with an abysmal 4-12 record. Hope was restored slightly, however, when Pioli and company managed the Chiefs to a 10-6 season and a playoff berth. This was the highlight of Pioli’s time with the team.

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From here, everything went downhill. Pioli implemented the “Patriots Way”, which as it turns out just meant the organization was going to become incredibly shady, with dodgy answers to the media that created more questions than they answered. To sum up the last few months of his time with the Chiefs, Pioli freaked out about a candy bar wrapper and screwed with Todd Haley’s head so much that Haley was convinced his office was bugged.

Scott Pioli desperately tried to replicate the “Patriot Way” in Kansas City and instead delivered three miserable seasons of Chiefs football and one first round playoff exit. I hate the “Patriot Way”.

The Pats Fan

Dec 8, 2013; Foxborough, MA, USA; A New England Patriot fan watches as the team warms up before the start of the game against the Cleveland Browns at Gillette Stadium. Mandatory Credit: David Butler II-USA TODAY Sports

We all know one. You might work with one, go to school with one,  your neighbor may even be one. That’s right, I’m talking about Pats fans. Like an infestation, they are everywhere. You can’t avoid them. Even worse, I befriended one.

In high school I met one of my closest friends, Vince; we had a ton of similar interests, and as such we really hit it off. Then I learned the ugly truth about my friend; he was a Pats fan.

Football season became an exercise in futility. Without fail, every week I would be informed that my Chiefs “sucked” (even as we went 10-6 in 2010) and every week I would be told tales of the great Tom Brady and his glorious accomplishments on the football field. I was ridiculed for my team relying in Matt Cassel, who was described to me as “Tom Brady’s b****”.

I would immediately be met with the single most obnoxious and irritating defense in all of football fandom: “The Ring Defense”

Should I make the ill-advised decision to speak up, comparing the teams in a week where the Chiefs won and the Pats lost, I would immediately be met with the single most obnoxious and irritating defense in all of football fandom: “The Ring Defense”.

Any and every time I try to talk football, compare stats, or make a case for why my friend is underestimating the Chiefs, I’m met with this:

UGH

Imagine 16 full weeks of that. It’s a miracle we’re still friends til this day. I shudder at the thought of the messages I’ll receive should we lose on Monday. Luckily I’ve learned over time that the best defense against an overzealous Patriots fan is to mention Eli Manning (seriously, you can see the pain in their eyes. Try it out).

(Show my buddy Vince some love in the comments. He made the decision out of high school to enlist in the Army and serve to protect the citizens of America, even one Chiefs blogger who may sometimes hate his guts.)

The Ugly Truth

Jan 20, 2013; Foxboro, MA, USA; A general view of the New England Patriots Super Bowl banners before the AFC championship game between the New England Patriots and Baltimore Ravens at Gillette Stadium. Mandatory Credit: David Butler II-USA TODAY Sports

Often times when we choose to hate on a team that has been as ridiculously successful as the Patriots organization, the common retort is that we are “just jealous”. Well, here I am, man enough to say it: I am jealous. I’m so unbelievably jealous of the Pats fans who get to experience joys neither I nor my father have yet experienced. I’m jealous that we change quarterbacks as often as Tom Brady changes hairstyles.

here I am, man enough to say it: I am jealous

I’m jealous that in the same 13 year time-span since Tom Brady started his career the Patriots have won their division

eleven

times, while the Chiefs have only won the AFC West twice.

I’m jealous that the Patriots have won more playoff games in my lifetime than the Chiefs have won in the entirety of their existence.

I’m jealous that my friend is the same age as me and has seen his team play in five Super Bowls, while my 45 year old father has never seen the Chiefs play a game in February. I don’t care how it sounds. I’m jealous.

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So there we have it. The three reasons I’ve come to accept as being the catalysts for me despising a team we play once every blue moon. Are they petty? Sure. Do I care? Not in the slightest. And that is why come Monday I’ll be screaming loud enough from home that Tom Brady starts shaking in his Uggs, while not so secretly pining for the Chiefs to be blessed with the same prolonged success the Patriots organization has found throughout the last decade.

I just want us to do it our way; with excellent team leaders and sportsmen like Derrick Johnson and Alex Smith, hard-nosed pass rushers cut from the Hali-Houston cloth, and the freak of nature that is Jamaal Charles. You know, “The Chiefs Way“.

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