Chiefs Schedule Of The Gods

The men who made the NFL schedule this year are the biggest bunch of Mensa-Jedi-mind-masters I’ve ever seen. Green Bay vs. New Orleans on the first day of the season? That’s earning someone instant entrance into heaven.

Wow, and getting Pittsburgh and Baltimore right off the bat is like Ali and Frazier in Time Square on New Year’s eve. That’s going to be one scrum-dily-ishous piece of pigskin pie.

How could league officials have had such powers to foretell the current drama in Indy. My little Ponies facing the upstart Texans in Texas, without a man called Manning, is going to practically pre-empt Peyton’s place in history.

And OMFnG, how great is Ryan versus Ryan when Americuz Boyz face off with the Jetz in the Big Apple Fritter Fracas. From foot-fetishes to family feuds it’s gonna be frickin’ fantastic!

However, as a Kansas City Chiefs phanatic, those match-ups sound wonderful and all, but, I think the NFL has tanked on some true mystically magical moments that, could have been.

Obviously, they know not what the Chiefs chosen cherish most!  So, here’s what Chiefs fans really, really, really want to see:

Jared Allen getting pancaked… and out-sacked… by Tamba Hali on opening day at Arrowhead. Me likey.

Jarred Page? Oh yes! If we used a schedule made by the Chiefs Gods, they would offer no superior way to christen a dream team in Philly, than to offer up the Chiefs as a sacrifice to the likes of the thriller, Mr. Page. BTW, he’s moved up to the 2nd string now on the Eagles depth chart. Bravo JP, bravo.

What about bringing Brian “Muddy” Waters new team to town? Won’t the cosmos feel a void on opening day without a parallel universe extravaganza showcasing Brain Waters vs. Matt Cassel? I guess these two teams are getting so hard to distinguish that they were afraid it would look like the Patriots were playing themselves in some kind of bizarre mirror-maze at the carnival.

Talk about reflections in a mirror. The Ravens West vs. the Raven East? BooYa! With Gaither, Gregg, McClain and Copper, that’s just a pick-up game between extended family these days. I guess there would be no winner. Then again… there’d be no loser either.

How bout bringing in Larry Johnson on opening day so we can be a witness… to his crying because he “getted tackoled” and his mere presence would afford families all across the K.C. metropolis another startling opportunity to hide their women and children and dogs. No, wait a second, that last part, that was Vick. Erase, erase.

What about a bit of the Chiefs slash Raiders opening day fireworks? Actually, the league said no because there’s only one person in the world that would be interested in that. You can call him Al… Davis. In a secret competition meeting Roger Goodell could be heard whispering that he didn’t want to be responsible for Davis croaking from the excitement. Ax that opening day clash (BTW… the Gods thought that it would be a terrific idea).

It does make you wonder why the NFL’s scheduling committee didn’t place the San Diego Chargers in K.C on opening day again. But, then I remembered that silly conspiracy rumor that several league referees had promised the Super Bowl to Norv if he stuck around one more year.

The Gods were sad to see an opportunity lost in Arizona (when the Cards cut the ex-Chiefs QB) to resurrect Brody Croyle’s self esteem. They were planning on an injury plagued game for the Cardinals first and second string QB’s just so Croyle would get an opportunity to do the one thing he never could do in K.C.… win one for the Chiefs. The Gods were going to give him another chance to do that by guiding the Cards to a loss. The best laid plans of mice and Gods.

Speaking of ex-Chiefs QBs. The Gods have been longing for decades for one of its head coaches to sneak good old Len Dawson into a game so he could throw just one more TD pass. 239 and counting, but who’s counting.

What the Gods would most like to schedule is… the team that wins a Super Bowl. But, as fate would have it, there are limitations to their powers and they can only pencil in who’s playing.

But…

If they could…

They’d want to see a Super Bowl collision between…

The Falcons and the Chiefs, in an epoch battle, to the end of the fourth quarter. Tony Gonzales getting his two touchdowns along the way. And then, as time is running out, Gonzales getting the ball stripped by Derrick Johnson, who returns it 88 yards for a winning margin touchdown.

After all, these are the Kansas City Chiefs Gods were talking about here.

As far as I’m concerned… I’ll settle for getting to see the Chiefs beat the crap out of the Bills tomorrow!

Go with G… I mean Chiefs!

Special thanks to the following artists:

Phil Hand Scold (Jared Allen)

DrewLitton.com (Arrowhead for Phillip Rivers)

Jerry King, MSM Cartoonist (“Is that what they mean by more touch backs?)