What if KC Chiefs stars had offices like Russell Wilson?
What if the biggest stars on the Kansas City Chiefs had the same perks—e.g. a personal office—like Russell Wilson has in Denver?
As if this season couldn’t get more disastrous for Denver, things somehow got worse this week. To start the week, on Christmas day no less, the Broncos got a giant lump of coal in their stocking with an embarrassing 51-14 loss to the ghost of the Los Angeles Rams.
If Baker Mayfield and Sean McVay played the roles of Grinch and Max, the Walton-Penner group played the role of Donald Trump from The Apprentice in letting Nathaniel Hackett know that he was, in fact, fired.
To make matters the week progressed, Shannon Sharpe stepped in to play the role of Colonel Nathan Jessup (Jack Nicholson’s iconic character in A Few Good Men) by dishing out a truth that Broncos fans didn’t realize they couldn’t handle: Russell Wilson has alienated his teammates beyond belief from the beginning of his tenure in Denver by not only having multiple reserved parking spots, but also his own office in the Broncos facility.
Most noise from morning show gas bags can be written off as just that—noise. But when it comes to the Denver Broncos, you tend to trust the insights of a player who is not only in the franchise’s Ring of Fame, but also the NFL’s Hall of Fame as one of the best tight ends to ever play the game. If there’s anyone who’s still connected inside the walls of the facility with the players, likely the coaches that are left, and the front office—his quarterback during his time in Denver, John Elway, is the president of football operations for the Broncos—it’s without a doubt Shannon Sharpe.
To hear a franchise legend absolutely lambaste the team’s current franchise quarterback the way that Sharpe did on Undisputed on Tuesday is not commonplace in the NFL or the media outlets that cover the league. Sharpe’s tirade lasted for a little over three minutes and was spirited, to say the least. Wilson’s parking spaces were a little much, but not the weirdest part of the rant. The weirdest part? Russell Wilson has an office in the team facility.
Now, I’m not going to pretend to be an NFL facilities expert. I’ve never in fact been inside of a team’s facilities other than the stadium. But I have never heard of a quarterback, or any other player for that matter, having an office in team HQ. In spite of the product we’ve seen on the field this year, I’m sure the sentiment behind this was Russ having his own space to study film outside of the confines of a position group meeting room. But unless the builders of Wilson’s ridiculous suburban-Denver mansion decided to forego any type of office space, study, or spare bedroom for additional bathrooms, does he not have space in his home to study?
It’s an insane thing to think about, especially when you consider the reputations of other great QBs in the game at the moment. Patrick Mahomes is adored by his teammates for being “one of the guys” despite his massive celebrity presence and historical NFL accolades. Josh Allen is notably chummy with both Case Keenum and Matt Barkley, so much so that he allegedly told Bills GM Brandon Beane that he’d recruit Von Miller to the Bills as long as Beane re-signed Barkley, while he was in a golf cart with Barkley. Even the sometimes-smug-seeming Joe Burrow is likable enough that his teammates pick up groceries and other items for him. All the while, Russell Wilson can’t be bothered by the peasants with whom he shares a locker room. Want to talk to Russ? Take a number, his receptionist will get you on the calendar.
Wilson is the anti-Michael Scott in some ways, but more Michael Scott than I’d care to admit as an avid The Office fan. He couldn’t be further from Michael Scott in a relatable sense. No one is handing Wilson the “World’s Best Boss” Dundee anytime soon, and he certainly doesn’t have any friends as cool as Todd Packer (a noted Chiefs fan, by the way).
On the flip side, Wilson’s “run, pass” team-building exercises seem about as effective as Diversity Day. The level of obliviousness that Wilson seems to operate with is certainly parallel to Michael Scott’s, and after a run-in with Dalton Risner on the sidelines last weekend, it’s obvious that Brett Rypien is playing the part of assistant to the regional manager Dwight Schrute.
This all got me thinking, though. If Chiefs players had offices at 1 Arrowhead Drive, what would the walls be adorned with? Would they have open-door policies like cool CEOs who like to vibe with their employees, or would they be all business as they get to work on their next assignments? I could have gone on for about 3,000 words on this exercise, but I decided to narrow the list down to three very clear-cut office favorites: Patrick Mahomes, Travis Kelce, and Chris Jones.
No matter the design or layout of Mahomes office, he’s going to need a gigantic trophy case. Between a Super Bowl 54 championship and MVP, a 2018 MVP, Offensive Player of the Year, and First Team All Pro nod, a 2020 Second Team All-Pro award, 5 Pro Bowls, and hopefully another MVP, Super Bowl, and Super Bowl MVP in 2022, Mahomes has enough hardware that the entire room might need to be a trophy case. You’d need to find space for a TV and an X-Box so he could get on the sticks and play CoD with Kelce, JuJu, and MVS, and of course a place for his signature shoes to be put on full display. And don’t forget a putting green. Any golfer knows you can drive for show, but you ultimately have to putt for dough.
A man of style and taste, Kelce would without question have to have an armoire for all of his finest fur coats, suits, and other fashion accoutrements. He’d also need ample space and equipment to record his podcast The Heights with his brother Jason, which if you haven’t listened to you need to do so immediately once you finish this novel of a blog. Kelce would also need room for a GOAT statue to commemorate his status as the greatest tight end to ever play the game, as well as a liquor cabinet with plenty of Crown Royal XR to commemorate a couple more Super Bowl championships before he rides off into the sunset.
The Chiefs Secretary of Defense has become the biggest game-wrecking monster in the NFL, so I envision Jones’ office looking a lot like a war strategy room in the Pentagon. The CEO of Sack Nation would need a space that looks more like a board room than an office, with the need for a replica gridiron with figurines of each quarterback and offensive lineman that he and his Board of Game Wreckers plan to dismantle on a weekly basis.
Jones would need working spaces for his right-hand men to collaborate on the best way to make their opponents’ lives a nightmare each Sunday, and a soundproof rage room for any time an official calls absolute nonsense roughing the passer penalties for no real reason. He’d also need a bench press for Nick Bolton to use when he’s not in the weight room.
When you think about player office spaces this way, they make sense. When you think about the way that Russell Wilson likely uses his—hiding out from teammates and living in his $245 million ivory tower—it doesn’t really add up. Lucky for the Chiefs they sit at 12-3 entering Sunday’s matchup with the Broncos with the AFC’s one seed in their sites while the Broncos and their quarter-billion dollar recluse of a quarterback won’t even get to cash in on the number three overall pick that they possess with their 4-11 mark. The office angle of the Russell Wilson saga truly lends itself to the pun that has been ruling the internet this week – Broncos Country, let’s hide.