Todd Haley Updates His Resume

Now that recent Kansas City Chiefs Head Coach Todd Haley has been “relieved of his duties” (and, presumably, his salary), it’s time to dust off that resume. This is a tough time to be looking for employment, and prospects are especially grim for a man whose primary job skills are his ability and tendency to yell at quarterbacks and NFL officials (honestly, the only place an NFL coach can get hired right now is Coors Light). Fortunately, it seems that Haley has already been busy revising the top part of his resume to reflect his hard-earned experience as a member of the Chiefs organization. Let’s take a look!

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TODD HALEY

Objective: To find rewarding employment as a head coach in the National Football League or a part-time golf pro.

WORK EXPERIENCE
Kansas City Chiefs                                                                        Feb. 2009 – Dec. 2011
Head Coach. As titular leader of tradition-laden AFC franchise with exceptionally rabid fan base, compiled record of 19-27 in 2¾ seasons; beat San Diego Chargers twice on Monday Night Football (on Sundays, not so much).

Other professional achievements:

• Engineered quick turnaround of struggling organization, doubling win total in a single year, from 2-14 to 4-12; missed playoffs by mere five games
• Introduced highly regarded regular-season “quarter system,” ensuring that record could never be worse than 0-4 at any point
• Utilized subtle, psychological tactic known as the “post-game finger wag” to undermine confidence of rival AFC West coach, rapidly leading to his dismissal
• Proved to all skeptics that it was possible to go from worst to first and claim division title, in only second year, while still ending season in humiliation at the hands of most-hated rival
• Implemented clever training-camp “freshness” strategy, emphasizing conditioning over game-readiness while still playing starters deep into preseason games, with excellent results: stars-of-tomorrow Tony Moeaki, Eric Berry, and Jamaal Charles are all currently on injured reserve, ensuring they will be fresh for 2012 season
• Initiated highly effective “I won’t shave or shower or do laundry until our team loses” campaign; successful as a motivational device, but unable to overcome Miami Dolphins’ “we won’t win until we win” strategy
• In attempt to lure All-Pro wideout and close personal friend Larry Fitzgerald to Chiefs, acquired services of Steve Breaston
• Introduced bean-bag games to locker room
• Demonstrated long-term commitment by staying true to promise made prior to 2009 season—”I’m going to bring the Chiefs back”—by bringing Chiefs from despair to division championship, and then…bringing them back

EDUCATION
Arrowhead Executive Management Program in Public Relations, 2009-2011
B.S. Degree

Additional on-the-job training:
– Philadelphia, San Diego, Denver ‘09
– Denver, San Diego, Oakland, Baltimore ‘10
– Buffalo, Detroit, Miami, New England, New York ‘11
In all cases, got schooled, but learned relatively little. Average GPA (game points allowed): 37.2

SKILLS
– “Motivating”
– Spatting
– Quarreling
– Squabbling
– Bickering
– Feather-ruffling
– Boat-rocking
– Screaming
– Yelling
– Fluent in $%^&#
– Excellent people skills
– Proficiency in Microsoft Word and Excel

REFERENCES
Clark Hunt
Scott Pioli
Chan Gailey
Barry Richardson
Thomas Jones
Tyler Palko

TESTIMONIALS

“My father played for the coach from ‘rememeber the titans’. Our coach played golf. My father played for redskins briefley. Our coach. Nuthn.”

—@LJohnson27

“Todd was always himself, and I don’t fault him for that at all.”

—Clark Hunt

(Updated: December 2011)

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