Chiefs Fans: Don’t Panic!
By author
Worried about the impending NFL lockout between the owners and NFLPA? Scared that in the event of a strike and no football season you may not know what to do? Don’t worry! Your friends here at Arrowhead Addict have got you covered. Since AA first received word of the possibility of no Chiefs season they hired a crack team of specialists to break down the bare essentials that every Chiefs fan will need in case of emergency, and that plan has fortunately now been shared with someone not to be trusted.
Me.
We know with all of the buzz going around that you may be freaking out a little wondering what your Sunday’s will be like without the Chiefs live chat, so phase one of the plan is that there will be a live Madden simulation broadcast of every game on the Chiefs schedule for next year. These simulations will take place during normally scheduled times to help prolong the willing suspension of disbelief amongst you Addicts out there, and to ensure that they feel more real the games will not be 100% computer driven. Adam will call the Audibles. These broadcasts (from a URL to be determined) will be accompanied by live chats online hosted with a little Magic by Merlin*, complete with follow up Big Matt’s Chiefs Chat articles on Mondays blasting personnel decisions made by virtual Todd Haley during game simulations. To help add to the realism, there will also be simulated DVOA breakdowns by Double D on Wednesdays supporting the anti-virtual Todd Haley movement.
*Person participating in Madden simulation live chat may not actually be Merlin
But wait, there’s more…
To help keep the authenticity of the virtual season, Arrowhead Addict has taken the next step in virtual simulation in partnership with Google to develop a quarterly article to simulate that which is Jason Whitlock. The developers said the major breakthrough in creating a virtual Whitlock came when they poured a concoction of maple syrup, cream cheese, melted butter, congealed fat, ground up bacon, and damned souls over pictures of Al Davis and Tilla Tequila placed on top of the computer holding their initial code. These articles will be designed by the Whitlock A.I. to infuriate the Addicts and whip them into a frenzy not only because of how crass and stupid “he” seems, but because “he” still says “he” is a fan of the virtual Chiefs, when obviously “he” hates them. I’ve seen the preliminaries based on test simulations and you all are in for a real treat here.
Arrowhead Addict is really taking the virtual season to the next level by gaining legal rights to past Todd Haley press conferences (compliments of our friend Jeremy, because his Chief Concern is that the Addicts are taken care of) that will be posted every week with team names voiced over with current virtual season teams. The genius here is that Todd Haley’s press conferences are all the same, so other than the Godzilla-esque team name voiceovers this will be the most authentic feeling part of the simulated season.
Unfortunately we cannot all get everything we need from the Chiefs in a virtually simulated season. For those of you that experience total collapse during the non-season, there is help. Operators are standing by at 1-800-AALUVSU where Victor will be standing by to give you his Quick Slant on how to make it through these troubled times, and Lyle will be willing to pull up his Armchair to listen to your problems and provide you the help you so desperately need.
If things progress to the point that the virtual season does nothing for you, and the hotlines do little to suppress your Chiefs cravings, there is still hope. When you get to the point where you just don’t think you can make it through another day, and you fear that there may not be any light at the end of the tunnel, Randy will swoop in to save the day. Yes! Randy will take you on a bona fide Arrowhead Adventure, where you will explore the once inhabited, and still being paid for, Arrowhead Stadium! While on this adventure you will see where players used dress before games, and you will get to walk out onto the field where football used to be played. While on this adventure, Randy will have the curator of the Arrowhead Museum play old tapes of Mitch Holthus and Len Dawson calling Chiefs games so you can experience the closest thing an actual Chiefs game available.*
*The Arrowhead Adventure will only be available to Addicts in the most extreme states of withdrawal and must be recommended by a health care professional.
Of course we all hope that it does not come down to this and that the season will progress as planned. We hope that next August the Red and Gold will take the field and make a playoff run. We hope. Perhaps all we really need is for Paddy to reach down into his Pot of Gold and come up with the funds necessary to make everyone happy.
If that doesn’t work I may have to Blitz the owners