You may all remember the Bud Light, Real Men of Genius commercials and radio spots. If not, check one out here.
Thus I present to you, Real Men of Genius: AFC West Edition. Just make sure you imagine the narrator and singer in your head while reading. I’ve got some old ones and some new ones. Enjoy!
Arrowhead Addict Presents: Real Men of Genius
(Real men of genius!)
Today we salute you “Mr. Run Into The Center And Fall Down Running Back Larry Johnson.”
(Mr. Run Into The Back Of The Center And Fall Down Running Back Larry Joooooooohnson!)
Sure, you used to be a Pro Bowl Back,
Eating up yards and spiking the ball after touchdowns.
But not any more.
No, these days, you pass the time eating up fine dollars and spitting drinks in the faces of your dates.
(Haaaaaave a Gin and Tonic!)
Sure, you may have embarrassed your team, family, fan base, friends, acquaintances and limo driver,
But you have more important things to worry about.
Like getting into bitch fights on Twitter with fans
And making fun of gay people.
(Hoooooooomophobic Tweeeeting!)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light oh “Demonstrator of Domestic Violence.”
Cause even though you can only average the yards you pick up falling backwards,
Word is, Tila Tequila needs a new boyfriend.
(Mr. Run Into The Back Of The Center And Fall Down Running Back Larry Joooooooohnson!)
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Today we salute you Mr. “Steroid Poppin Shawn Merriman”
(Mr. “Steroid Poppin Shawn Meeeeeerriman”)
While others are trying to bulk up in the weight room,
You’re in the room behind the weight room
Bulking up with a needle.
Sure, you’re balls may be shrinking to the size of marbles,
But your contract says if you make it back to the Pro Bowl
You’ll get an extra million bucks.
(Small balls but biiiiiiig bucks!)
You don’t worry about Roid Rage,
Cause you’re crackin skulls on the gridiron.
Besides, it’s the only way you can stay strong enough to keep Philip Rivers from sneaking up behind you in the shower.
(Whaaaaat’s that behind me?)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light oh “Master of the Man Juice”
Cause you’re liver’s probably shot anyway.
(Mr. Sterroid Poppin Shawn Meeeeeeerriman!)
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Today we salute you Mr. “Franchise Destroying Coach Herm Edwards”
(“Franchise Destroying Coach Herm Eeeeeeeedwards”)
While other coaches are winning games and inspiring players,
You’re letting them lose, so long as they like you.
(Wanna be my frieeeeeeeend?!)
Sure, you’re team may only gain 6 yards of offense all season,
But damn it, you’re sticking to the game plan.
Run…Run…Pass…Punt.
Don’t worry, just because the average player age on your team is 14,
Doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll lose every game.
After all, you get to play the Raiders twice a year!
Hello?
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light oh “Proprietor of the Punt”
Cause you play to WIN the game
Even if everything you do causes the team to lose.
(Mr. “Franchise Destroying Coach Herm Eeeeeeeedwards”)
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Today we salute you Mr. “Crypt Keeper Al Davis”
(Mr. “Crypt Keeper Al Daaaaaaavis”)
Well Al, you’ve come a long way baby
It used to be Super Bowls
Now it’s toilet bowls.
(Atleeeeeeeast its a Bowl!)
Sure, you’ve run your franchise into the ground,
And you’ve had 37 coaches in the last 3 seasons,
But even YOU weren’t dumb enough to hire Herm Edwards
(Heeeeeeeerm is so terrible!)
Who cares if you’re 90 years old and out of touch,
How many other owners have grown up to look like their logo?
(Yaaaaaaaaarrr!)
So put on your eye patch and crack open an ice cold Bud Light oh “Barron of the Draft Blunder”
Cause if you just keep saying “Just Win, Baby!”
It might actually happen.
(Mr. “Crypt Keeper Al Daaaaaaavis”)
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Today we salute you, “Mr. Neck-Bear Wearing, Interception Throwing, Season Destroying QB Kyle Orton.
(Mr. Neck-Bear Wearing, Interception Throwing, Season Destroying QB Kyle Orrrrrrton!)
While other QB’s are leading their teams to the playoffs,
You’re leading them out to the parking lot.
(Wheeeeeeeeeeeere did we paaaark?)
Can’t find the car? Don’t worry. It is right where you left it.
In “Lot Choke.”
Worried you might not be brought back next season? Don’t be.
Josh McDaniels only wants players with Neck Beards.
And brother, you’ve got that covered.
(Thooooooow the razor away!)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light oh “Proprietor of the Pick,”
Cause even though you didn’t make the playoffs,
You still played better than Jay Cutler.
(Mr. Neck-Bear Wearing, Interception Throwing, Season Destroying QB Kyle Orrrrrrton!)