True Lies: A.A.'s Final Mock Draft


We are a mere 24 hours away from the NFL Draft, yet nobody has any clue what the hell is going on.

Most fans have jumped off one Long (Jake Long) bandwagon and on to another (Chris Long). The experts are also thinking defensive end. Don Banks and Dr. Z say Vernon Gholsten. Todd McShay thinks we can still nab the second best Long. Mel Kiper thinks both will be gone and we’ll reach on–GULP!–Derrick Harvey at No. 5. Two DEs sit atop Adam Teicher’s Big Board. There are some experts and fans who think the Chiefs should go offensive line no matter what (like Nick Athan, via trade back), but they are outnumbered.

Personally, what I would do would be totally different. I would find a way to draft Matt Ryan first, then find a way to draft Chris Williams second, even if both moves required trading up. Then I’d take either Quentin Groves or Lawrence Jackson at No. 35, and in that order. If The Chiefs managed to pull that coup off they’d be looking at potentially the best draft in club history after only three picks.

But that isn’t what they are going to do. Well, at least according to the pundits.

It actually looks like the Chiefs will do the reverse with its first three picks–DE first, OT second and QB third, if at all–which still makes some sense, other than potentially not taking a QB. But really, who knows what the Chiefs will actually do. Actually, I do.

I was watching True Lies the other night and got a great idea. Kidnap King Carl and Herm Edwards the day before the draft and load them up with sodium pentothal. That’s exactly what I’ve done! Here they are…

ADAM, now guaranteed to watch the draft from the Johnson County jail, has CARL PETERSON and HERM EDWARDS tied up in a dark, damp basement, bound and gagged. Adam ungags them and begins the interrogation.Adam: Say hello, fellas.

Herm: Uh, hello, Chiefs fans. Just know that we’re OK, we’re OK.

King Carl: Can you at least untie us? Don’t you know who I am? I knew I shouldn’t have raised ticket prices again…I just couldn’t resist.

Adam: This is fun. You see, I’ve absolutely loaded both of you up with our little friend sodium pentothal–the truth serum they use in the movies. Yeah, it actually works, and not just in Ah-nold flicks either. Everybody lies in April? Not so fast, Herm. Not only will you tell the truth, but so will Carl…for the first time in his life.

King Carl: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!(King Carl throws a shit fit and nearly tips his chair over struggling to get loose.)

Adam: Let’s get that started right away. Carl, are you rebuilding because you’re cheap and renovating the stadium and young players are less expensive?

King Carl: Uhhhhhh…yes.

Adam: Is this rebuilding plan just another way for you to grind five more years out of your job?

King Carl: Uhhhhhh…yes. Oh, the agony.

Adam: Carl, who’s at the top of your board following the Jared Allen trade.

King Carl: Chris Long. Vernon Gholsten has more upside, but we need a Jared clone to help sell tickets. Long is perfect. He’s White, he’s kind of a good ol’ boy, he’s Howie Long’s son. He’s perfect for the Kansas City market. His jerseys will sell like hotcakes. My God, I can’t believe I’m telling you this.

Adam: Holy shit, this stuff does really work. Now, Herm was Mel Kiper right when he said we are leaning towards Derrick Harvey at No. 5 if Gholsten and Long are gone.

Herm: That’s right.

Adam: Scary. Couldn’t you draft a player very similar 12 or 30 picks later?

Herm: Um, yeah, OK, you know, you see, we win to play the game, we all know that, but Carl and Clark Hunt play to win the game cheap.

Adam: I didn’t need to use truth serum to discover that. Carl, so, will the Cheaps, um, I meant Chiefs pass on picking either Matt Ryan or Darren McFadden and reach on a lesser player just to save money and then rationalize it by saying we drafted due to needs?

King Carl: Damn, I can’t stand this. That is exactly our plan. Exactly. Neither player is even on our board any more. It’s just smokescreens, it’s all smokescreens. We’re trying to make other teams think we actually would spend that kind of money on a quarterback. 20 years of not doing it, and I think we’ve still duped ‘um. Losers.

Adam: Give you a little S.P. and you won’t shut up, will you? Herm, so let me get this straight, if both DEs and Glenn Dorsey are gone, the plan is either to trade down or reach to, um, save money? Even if a gift like McFadden or Ryan is sitting there?

Herm: Yeah, that’s exactly right. You know, if it’s not Harvey, it will be the Branden Albert kid. Or maybe even Chris Williams, Jeff Otah or Ryan Clady if they will sign cheaper. It’s all about the Benjamins, OK.

Adam: So, Carl. Do you have any intention of drafting a quarterback early? After all, Brodie Croyle isn’t going to cut it. We both know that.

King Carl: I know, I know. Tell me about it. That little shit couldn’t even beat out Damon Huard. But he’s cheap, and we’ve convinced Chiefs fans that we actually believe in him. That will sell a few more tickets, so I don’t want to screw that up. Chiefs fans can sure BBQ, but they aren’t the brightest lot.

Adam: Bright enough to kidnap you and get you to spill your guts. By the way, this is going straight on my website, Arrowhead Addict, I’m sure you’ve never heard of it.

King Carl: Is that one of those blag, er, vlog, er, um, blog things. What are those, like fan media? Isn’t the regular media bad enough? Argh, fans. At least you all still buy tickets no matter what.

Adam: Actually, Carl, if you read the site…

There you have it. After my ruthless interrogation, here is what I’m thinking the Chiefs big board looks like, including only players I think they will pick.

  1. Glenn Dorsey
  2. Chris Long
  3. Vernon Gholsten
  4. Branden Albert
  5. Derrick Harvey
  6. Ryan Clady
  7. Sedrick Ellis
  8. Chris Williams
  9. Jeff Otah

The rest is a complete mystery. Here’s my final mock draft based on what I think will happen given that information:


1. Miami – OT Jake Long, Michigan
2. St. Louis – DT Glenn Dorsey, LSU
3. Atlanta – QB Matt Ryan, Boston College
4. Oakland – DE Chris Long, Virginia
5. Kansas City – DE Vernon Gholsten, Ohio St.
6. New York Jets – HB Darren McFadden, Arkansas
7. New England (from San Francisco) – DT Sedrick Ellis, USC
8. Baltimore – CB Leodis McKelvin, Troy
9. Cincinnati – LB Keith Rivers, USC
10. New Orleans – CB Mike Jenkins, South Florida
11. Buffalo – WR Devin Thomas, Michigan St.
12. Denver – OG/OT Branden Albert, Virginia
13. Carolina – OT Ryan Clady, Boise St
14. Chicago – RB Rashard Mendenhall, Illinois
15. Detroit – DE Derrick Harvey, Florida
16. Arizona – CB Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Tenn. St.
17. Kansas City (from Minnesota) – OT Chris Williams, Vanderbilt
18. Houston – RB Jonathan Stewart, Oregon
19. Philadelphia – WR DeSean Jackson, California
20. Tampa Bay – WR Limas Sweed, Texas
21. Washington – DE Phillip Merling, Clemson
22. Dallas (from Cleveland) – CB Aqib Talib, Kansas
23. Pittsburgh – OT Jeff Otah, Pittsburgh
24. Tennessee – WR James Hardy, Indiana
25. Seattle – DT Kentwan Balmer, UNC
26. Jacksonville – DE Quentin Groves, Auburn
27. San Diego – CB Antoine Cason, Arizona
28. Dallas – RB Felix Jones, Arkansas
29. San Francisco (from Indianapolis) – LB Jerod Mayo, Tennessee
30. Green Bay – OT Gosder Cherilus, Boston College * New England (pick forfeited)
31. New York Giants – FS Kenny Phillips, Miami…

35. Kansas City Chiefs, QB Joe Flacco, Delaware

For me, this would be a dream come true, but only if we followed the first round up by picking Joe Flacco–who I now call 1B, as in my back-up plan to 1A, or Matt Ryan–in round two. Now, of course trades could blow this sucker up, but I think it is pretty damn realistic.