I had this opus of a piece all typed out, about, oh, 75-80% done. Then I saw that Jason Whitlock had written almost exactly the same thing. Of all the times for this guy to agree with me, but I digress.
Instead of schlepping out the same old article, I’m going to keep it fresh. Since Led Zeppelin came back from the dead and killed it yesterday in their first concert in nearly 20 years (with drummer Jason Bonham filling in for his late father John Bonham), here’s my vision of the future of the Kansas City Chiefs told through the songs of my favorite band…
“Hey Hey What Can I Do” – Chiefs fans, you can’t do jack. Except remain hopeful. This season hurts, but the lower we sink, the higher we’ll end up rising. Hopefully, you all won’t stay “drunk all the time” during these dark days. Things can only improve.
“Over the Hills and Far Away” – These guys have to go: Chris Terry, Greg Wesley, James Reed, Jason Dunn, John Welbourn, Kendrell Bell, Kris Wilson, Kyle Turley, Pat Surtain, Samie Parker and Will Svitek. You got your “pocket full of gold,” now hit the “open road.”
“Ten Years Gone” – Tony Gonzalez, on behalf of the Chiefs organization and its fans, I apologize. You’ve been here for 10 years and haven’t even sniffed a Super Bowl. Stick around for another three of four and we’ll change that.
“Black Dog” -There is nothing in the song about a black dog, as it was just a black lab that was wandering around the area of the studio at the time. The connection here is that a black dog in dreams is said to represent fatigue. And, yes, watching possibly the worst offensive line I have ever seen has made me very damn tired. The unit will undergo a serious facelift.
“Trampled Under Foot” – Mike Solari has gotten a whole lotta somethin’ from the media and fans, and, no, we’re not “talkin’ bout love.” He’s deserved the stampede that’s run over him, and hopefully his bags are already packed. He also has to hit the road.
“Ramble On” – Larry Johnson, other than Carl Peterson and his buddy Whitlock, you get hated on more than anybody else in The City of Fountains. What you got to do now is “Ramble On” and prove your critics wrong. If silver-haired versions of Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones and Robert Plant can comeback to “rave reviews,” so can you. Can and will.
“Fool In the Rain” – King Carl, the “light of the love that you found” was Chiefs fans. Your just-do-enough-to-fill-the-seats M.O. has all but alienated them. Now you are left standing in the rain by yourself. Will new owner Clark Hunt be kind enough to hand you an umbrella, like his father did so many times? I think he should and will. One more shot, Godfather. Uno mas.
“Whole Lotta Love” – Jared Allen, we love you, baby, and we ain’t gonna let you walk. Whether it’s the franchise tag or a huge contract, you’re sticking around.
“Dazed and Confused” – Brodie Croyle, we know it can’t be easy, but keep your head up, kid. Your protection is going to get better and so are you. I have faith.
“Thank You” – Damon Huard, we asked you to do something you had no chance of doing. I know I’ve been hard on you, but your situation wasn’t fair. It was frustrating for us, but unfair for you. Thank you for the beatings — both physical and emotional — that you have taken this year. Thank you and goodbye. You have to hit the road, too.
“That’s the Way” – One of my all-time favorite tunes goes out to a guy who’s quickly becoming one of my all-time favorite players — Dwayne Bowe. We’ve been looking for you for decades, and once you got here you showed us all the way a star receiver plays the game. D-Bo is only gonna get better, folks.
“Good Times Bad Times” – Of course, I’m talking about young safeties Bernard Pollard and Jarrad Page here. At times they were revelations, other times disappointments. Similar to Derrick Johnson, I honestly believe that their third seasons will be charmed.
“Immigrant Song” – With all of the releases, we need a “Mothership” of new talent. Guys like Alan Faneca, Asante Samuel, Corey Williams, DeAngelo Hall, Derek Anderson, Jordan Gross and Marcus Trufant are the caliber of free agents that need to be on the Chiefs’ shopping list. Following the team’s worst season in recent history is no time for the Chiefs to be the Cheaps, Carl and Clark. We’ll spend some dough this offseason.
“Stairway to Heaven” – And of course the obligatory inclusion of this track. What is the “Stairway,” though? Three more losses, a top five pick and major heat on the front office to make changes. A rookie like tackle Jake Long, a coaching staff shake up and an influx of free agent talent will instantly elevate us back into contention in a weakened AFC West.