New Kansas City Chiefs general manager John Dorsey, left, poses with new head coach Andy Reid during an NFL football news conference announcing Dorsey's hiring Monday, Jan. 14, 2013, in Kansas City, Mo. (AP Photo/Charlie Riedel)

Chiefs Concede AFC West To Denver; Won't Play In 2014


In the least surprising move of the off season, the Kansas City Chiefs announced this morning they have conceded the AFC West to the Denver Broncos and will forego playing football during the 2014 season.

“Listen, let’s be honest about this,” Andy Reid said in front of a lone reporter, Perez A. Hilton, at a press conference oddly scheduled for 3:20 a.m. “There’s no way anyone is beating Denver this year. No chance. Why risk the health of Junior Hemingway and Dustin Colquitt when we know Denver is going to win anyway? It is just not a good idea.”

Asked if he had called Denver Broncos general manager and executive vice president to concede the AFC West, Reid said, “No, Steve Weinberg beat us to it.”

Kansas City has been criticized for not being active in free agency and for not re-signing key members of their 2013 playoff squad. Gone are sure to be Hall of Famers, Kendrick Lewis and Tyson Jackson, along with the greatest back-up offensive lineman of all-time, Geoff Schwartz. Finding a player to replace Dexter McCluster and Jon Asamoah may be impossible. Branden Albert is also a football player.

“Everyone knows where this league is going,” John Dorsey said. “If you don’t have a great right guard then you really have nothing. We felt it was in the best interest of the team’s future to be sure we finished 0-16 so that we can get as a high of a pick as possible in order to pick the best offensive guard available.”

There are some who would argue it does not make sense for the Chiefs to give up on the season before the 2014 Draft has even taken place. But Reid says it is time for the Chiefs to look ahead to 2015 and fans should not be purchasing Chiefs vs. Broncos tickets this season.

“Listen, I understand the argument that maybe we should let the season play out,” Reid said. “See how our young players develop, how our few free agent moves fit with the team, and what another year playing in the same system does to help the overall production the team. But… well, Denver signed Aqib Talib and we just cannot compete with that.”

Dorsey echoed Reid’s statement.

“Last year, everyone expected us to start 9-0 and make the playoffs after finishing 2-14 the year before,” Dorsey said. “Everyone knew we would score 44 points in a road playoff game with Jamaal Charles only playing six snaps; Marcus Cooper would be an up and coming cornerback prospect; Dontari Poe would be an All-Pro level player; Schwartz existed; Quintin Demps would be the NFL’s second best kick return man; McCluster would have his first season where he had more touchdowns than fumbles; and Dwayne Bowe would get arrested for getting high at a Sonic. This was obvious last April.

“This April it is obvious Denver cannot possibly lose the Super Bowl and we will be the worst team in NFL history because we don’t have a good right guard. Why play?”

Clark Hunt released a statement expressing his support for not playing in 2014.

“Baa ram ewe! Baa ram ewe! To your breed, your fleece, your clan be true! Baa ram ewe!”

When asked if the Chiefs would play in 2015, Dorsey and Reid each responded with a shrug. Pressed to clarify their answer, Dorsey said, “It will probably depend on if we can get a good right guard.”

 

Note: Clearly this post is not true. Happy Opportunity To Drop A “Babe” Reference In A Sarcastic Post And Everyone’s Mildly Okay With It Day! Or April Fools. Whatever.

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Tags: Kansas City Chiefs

  • Jacob

    Well, I might as well go back to sleep now. I’m not going to find anything as funny as this today.

    I think you made it obvious enough that it was a joke though, I would’ve just left the article the way it is without the note at the end.

    • Jason Seibel

      Yes, Jacob. Go to sleep and dream of Dorsey and Reid drafting right guards with our first three picks this year! Classic! I’m still laughing!

      • berttheclock

        Why not a left guard, as well?

        • Jason Seibel

          Might as well. Maybe trade our first round pick for a mediocre receiver who can return kicks.

    • Ben Nielsen

      Thanks, Jacob.

    • Michael Shaw

      I have to disagree Jacob. Some fool will read this article and if it wasn’t for the note at the end of it, might think Ben has finally gone the way of the DO DO bird!!!!! Wait………..maybe he has!!!?? LOL!!

      • Ben Nielsen

        Oh, I have, no doubt.

  • berttheclock

    Ben, I applaud you, but, have you forgotten that satire is vastly misunderstood on the net?

    • Auburn78

      Completely agree. Someone somewhere needs to invent a universal sarcasm font cause too often people just don’t get it.

    • Ben Nielsen

      Hopefully the note takes care of it. If not… welp.

    • Patrick Allen

      I feel bad for the people that don’t get this post.

  • Jason Seibel

    This is the funniest damn thing I’ve read in a while. Great job, Ben. Really started the workday off right for me!

    • Ben Nielsen

      Thanks, Jason.

  • Deaudrey Dre-Mac MacDonald

    Good stuff lol

  • Bigtexjayhawk

    Here are my off season wishes. We sign Grizle Behr. He is a huge 6 foot 9 beast of a lineman. Pitfall Harry is an amazing pass receiver. He is adept at making things miss. Gheorge Muresan a 7 foot 5 freak to catch red zone TD passes. I think with these additions we will win the Super Bowl!!

  • Austin Wagner

    “Branden Albert is also a football player”… Haha hard hitting facts!

  • Roc

    Best article I’ve read all year

    • Ben Nielsen

      Thanks.

  • Dustin Joyce

    The only thing I don’t believe here is that McCluster had more toches than fumbles, haha

  • Patrick Allen

    In Reid and Dorsey I trust.

    • jimfromkcj

      Patrick, were you one of those who were In the “In Pioli I trust” band of merry men? I for one don’t put my trust out lightly. I never liked these two guys from the git go and my opinion is hardening. I see little chance to improve this team for the next 2 or 3 years because of cap restraints and it doesn’t all fall on Pioli.

      • Patrick Allen
        • jimfromkcj

          Good for you. I either missed that post or forgot it. Forgetting seems to be more commonplace for me every day. Never the less I believe you could write the same piece about Dorsey and Reid and it would be just as appropriate. The way the cap has been abused by Dorsey by signing Bowe is a train wreck. I see no way that we can expect the Chiefs to compete for a super bowl berth any time soon. there are just too many ifs and it just doesn’t happen that all the ifs come down favoring us.

    • Michael Shaw

      Wait…….is that an April Fool’s?

      • berttheclock

        No, that is very much of a “Damned Straight” comment. Dorsey is a breath of very fresh air to arrive in KC. The cap restraints will ease as Dorsey is going to become the John Schneider of KC and look for more cuts to be made in the future. The Seahawks under Schneider have really honed the “What have you done for the team lately” and the Chiefs will become a younger and cheaper team, as well. The money to Bowe may annoy several posters, but, the reality was there was little choice to rebuild the Chiefs at the time. BTW, very few Splashy Headline Re-ups ever become fully paid out. Jackson had one of those in Philly, yet, is out looking for a new job.

  • scomstock55

    lol…good stuff…
    on a more serious note….what do you guys think of picking up Danario Alexander on a minimum contract? When healthy he is very very good.

    • berttheclock

      He missed the entire 2013 season, then, had surgery, but, the biggest problem is as of February, complications set in from his surgery and he may need more surgeries. Yes, when, healthy he is a proven talent, but, the shame of it comes down to his knees.

  • NicholasAlanClayton

    Great stuff man. I can’t wait until the 2016 draft when we finally have things to talk about again.

    • berttheclock

      However, won’t the Lombardi Trophy be left on a permanent basis in Denver? I heard the NFL Fed Exed it there just after the Ware and Talib signings. But, if I recall it, also, had been shipped to Denver just after Manning signed and there was a bit of confusion about keeping there or just letting it rotate through the Papa John’s system.

  • ABQ_Girl

    Very well done!!

  • EMAW Addict

    Huge fan of the post. It’s about time someone said what we’ve all been thinking. There’s just no way to win without a All-Pro right guard.

  • andyred

    when I saw the title of the post, my first thought was “alright…which broncos fans @$$ are we kicking for hacking into a chiefs writer system?” Lol

  • Joe M.

    April fool`s

  • A1 Yola

    Is this The Onion?! I’m on the wrong site!

    • Ben Nielsen

      Ha!

  • Andy

    In order for a joke to be funny, it has to have an element of truth. What is that element, that the donkeys are well equipped to win it all, Or our fans think Reid and Dorsey are not trying to build a winning team?

    Both can be truth. Denver, on paper, look like sb contenders. The chiefs are trying to build a winner…that will last

    Just my thoughts.

    • Ben Nielsen

      I like the way you think, Andy.

  • RepOurChiefs

    This is great! Lol

    • Ben Nielsen

      Thanks!