In the least surprising move of the off season, the Kansas City Chiefs announced this morning they have conceded the AFC West to the Denver Broncos and will forego playing football during the 2014 season.
“Listen, let’s be honest about this,” Andy Reid said in front of a lone reporter, Perez A. Hilton, at a press conference oddly scheduled for 3:20 a.m. “There’s no way anyone is beating Denver this year. No chance. Why risk the health of Junior Hemingway and Dustin Colquitt when we know Denver is going to win anyway? It is just not a good idea.”
Asked if he had called Denver Broncos general manager and executive vice president to concede the AFC West, Reid said, “No, Steve Weinberg beat us to it.”
Kansas City has been criticized for not being active in free agency and for not re-signing key members of their 2013 playoff squad. Gone are sure to be Hall of Famers, Kendrick Lewis and Tyson Jackson, along with the greatest back-up offensive lineman of all-time, Geoff Schwartz. Finding a player to replace Dexter McCluster and Jon Asamoah may be impossible. Branden Albert is also a football player.
“Everyone knows where this league is going,” John Dorsey said. “If you don’t have a great right guard then you really have nothing. We felt it was in the best interest of the team’s future to be sure we finished 0-16 so that we can get as a high of a pick as possible in order to pick the best offensive guard available.”
There are some who would argue it does not make sense for the Chiefs to give up on the season before the 2014 Draft has even taken place. But Reid says it is time for the Chiefs to look ahead to 2015 and fans should not be purchasing Chiefs vs. Broncos tickets this season.
“Listen, I understand the argument that maybe we should let the season play out,” Reid said. “See how our young players develop, how our few free agent moves fit with the team, and what another year playing in the same system does to help the overall production the team. But… well, Denver signed Aqib Talib and we just cannot compete with that.”
Dorsey echoed Reid’s statement.
“Last year, everyone expected us to start 9-0 and make the playoffs after finishing 2-14 the year before,” Dorsey said. “Everyone knew we would score 44 points in a road playoff game with Jamaal Charles only playing six snaps; Marcus Cooper would be an up and coming cornerback prospect; Dontari Poe would be an All-Pro level player; Schwartz existed; Quintin Demps would be the NFL’s second best kick return man; McCluster would have his first season where he had more touchdowns than fumbles; and Dwayne Bowe would get arrested for getting high at a Sonic. This was obvious last April.
“This April it is obvious Denver cannot possibly lose the Super Bowl and we will be the worst team in NFL history because we don’t have a good right guard. Why play?”
Clark Hunt released a statement expressing his support for not playing in 2014.
“Baa ram ewe! Baa ram ewe! To your breed, your fleece, your clan be true! Baa ram ewe!”
When asked if the Chiefs would play in 2015, Dorsey and Reid each responded with a shrug. Pressed to clarify their answer, Dorsey said, “It will probably depend on if we can get a good right guard.”
Note: Clearly this post is not true. Happy Opportunity To Drop A “Babe” Reference In A Sarcastic Post And Everyone’s Mildly Okay With It Day! Or April Fools. Whatever.