In the event that my headline doesn’t tell you where my head is this Tuesday morning, allow me to clarify: I HATE THE OAKLAND RAIDERS!!!
I’m typically salivating for Raider Week by the final whistle of the preceding game. Midway through last week, I noticed that my standard loathing of the forthcoming Raiders just wasn’t there. The Chiefs are wrapping up what is arguably their worst season in franchise history. Being sapped by one disappointment after another in 2012 made it tough for me to work up a desire to see Kansas City kill Oakland (with fire). That was until the Raiders beat the Chiefs with five Sebastian Janikowski field goals on Sunday. It’s not the loss that burns though. It’s dealing with their insufferable blackhole of a fanbase that I can’t handle.
Beating the Kansas City Chiefs means never having to say you’re sorry. Make no mistake Raiders fans, you root for one sorry organization. At the risk of being the pot to call the kettle black (and silver), I’ll leave no stone unturned in telling you why. I’m an honest man though so I’ll start with an admission.
It pains me to say this, but the Raiders currently stand to be remembered ahead of the Chiefs. They have three Super Bowl wins to a lone Chiefs’ NFL championship victory in 1970. There’s no bigger feather to have in your cap. That is the coup de grâce of NFL gloating. Fortunately for me, none of my “friends” who support that organization could tell you a thing about their last trip to the promised land. Most of them are barely old enough to remember January 22, 1984. I’d be willing to wager that none of them would recognize Jim Plunkett if he introduced himself as “James” and said he once threw a touchdown pass in a mid-80′s Super Bowl.
I’m sure by now some of you think I’ve conveniently overlooked the Raiders’ 2002 Super Bowl appearance. Nay nay my friends, I remember that game well! That was the fateful Sunday evening where your precious pirates were run out of Qualcomm Stadium by halftime (Tampa Bay won 48-21). That loss sent Oakland into a dizzying decade-long spiral down the NFL drain.
Here are the Raiders’ final results dating back to 2003:
- 2012 – Record: 4-10, currently in 3rd (with two games left to play)
- 2011 – Record: 8-8, 3rd place finish
- 2010 – Record: 8-8, 3rd place finish
- 2009 – Record: 5-11, 3rd place finish
- 2008 – Record: 5-11, 3rd place finish
- 2007 – Record: 4-12, 3rd place finish
- 2006 – Record: 2-14, 4th place finish
- 2005 – Record: 4-12, 4th place finish
- 2004 – Record: 5-11, 4th place finish
- 2003 – Record: 4-12, 3rd place finish
There you have it boys and girls. That’s good for 49-109 (.310) and a 3rd or 4th place AFC West finish in each of the last ten seasons. Here’s the most damning statistic of all, Oakland has had ten consecutive seasons without a winning record. That’s what you have to brag about this week Raider fan! Sure, your squad just completed a sweep of the Chiefs with a jaw-dropping victory on your home field (where only Janikowski recorded points), but is that really worth boasting over?
The Chiefs were without their two best wide receivers on Sunday. Dwayne Bowe is finished for the season with broken ribs. Steve Breaston was a healthy scratch again this week. Apparently he’s sleeping with a group of Kansas City coaching wives (I’m kidding). With the two of them out, Jamaal Charles was keyed on and taken away. That made Kansas City’s offense one-dimensional and Brady Quinn a sitting duck. The Chiefs had just 119 total yards on offense on Sunday. Oakland should’ve won this game by three touchdowns.
While I’ll never actively (or passively) root for this team to lose games, I realize that the Chiefs are now one step closer to drafting West Virginia’s Geno Smith. Kansas City has that to look forward to. Conversely, Oakland is still trying to explain away one of the worst trades in recent NFL history. A #1 in 2012 and a conditional #2 in 2013 for Carson Palmer? That’s how you answer the quarterback problem after Jason Campbell and JaMarcus “one of the biggest busts in NFL Draft history” Russell? Enjoy the victory guys; this was your Super Bowl. You’ll see the Chiefs again in 2013 and I suspect they’ll have a real signal caller the next time the two teams square up. Be afraid, be very afraid.
I know full well that the team I support is the worst in the NFL. It’s time Raider Nation realized they aren’t far behind. Those 4-10 west coast world beaters are hardly the ’85 Bears my Facebook timeline would have me to believe. I tip my hat to the Raiders for being the better team in head-to-head competition this year. Turn the volume on the bragging down a bit though, will ya? You’ve managed only to distinguish yourselves as the prettier ugly girl. In three weeks, you’ll be at home (like the Chiefs) while the truly attractive girls are at prom.
Sunday’s shutout loss at Oakland-Alameda renewed my hatred of that woeful and soulless organization. May the fires of my hostility forever burn hot in the most hidden parts of my heart. The king has returned to detest the drab colors of your existence! You’ve brought shame upon a prideful group of men, but they will regroup when the winter of their discontent is over. When the spring descends upon Kansas City they will reunite and rally around a brave young warrior named Geno. He will lead them to restore all that has been taken from them.
*starts slow clap*
Until next time, Addicts!