It’s amazing, really, that we survived the offseason.
Some of you-–the lucky ones–actually like baseball and have had months of sports-related distractions. Others of you, like me, who would rather re-live our first junior high school dance than watch baseball, survived by stringing together a desperate list of last straws in sports. We found a team to root for in the NBA playoffs, learned to love/hate LeBron, tried to get into hockey, even tried watching billiards on ESPN on Saturday afternoons. And let’s all thank God right now for the Olympics. That at least, took up a solid two weeks of pretty decent sports-related drama in what was otherwise thirty-three weeks of nothingness.
As Addicts, we helped each other during this difficult time. We prognosticated. We whined. We spent more weeks talking about the draft then most normal people spend raising their children. We even debated whether or not the Pro Bowl should exist (for the record, “no,” and “who cares”). And yes, on more than one occasion, we turned on each other in posts and comments, just like those crazy little kids did in Lord of the Flies. That’s what happens without football.
Now, as we prepare ourselves to make our heroic return this Sunday, it is time to focus. We have trained hard this offseason, in preparation for this home opener. So without further ado, I present my top five signs to watch for to prove that the Chiefs are crushing the Falcons. If you see any of these things happening, then it’s a lock: the Chiefs are crushing the Falcons!
#5. Romeo’s got his team PUMPED! In the sideline huddle before the special teams takes the field for the kick-off, Romeo is spotted crouched down right in the middle, yelling “whose house? OUR house? Whose house? OUR house!!!” The Chiefs’ players are momentarily stunned, seeing Coach so fired up. But Stanford Routt, who played under Tom Cable and therefore thinks that coaches acting all crazy is actually perfectly normal, doesn’t skip a beat and joins in heartily, bringing the rest of the Chiefs along.
#4. The Chiefs win the kickoff and defer. Succop kicks it 9 yards deep and the Falcons returner, Jacquizz Rodgers, decides to take it out. Poor Jacquizz. The Chiefs special teams unit looks like the forest scene from House of Flying Daggers. Terrance Copper comes knifing through the Falcons unit like a blade through a forest of gently swaying bamboo trees, and spears Rodgers at the 8 yard line so hard you can see the impression of his shoulder pad come bulging out of Rodgers’ back.
#3. On 3rd and nine, on their first series, Matt Ryan drops back to pass. Justin Houston has just Michael-Phelped Falcons right tackle Tyson Clabo with a swim move so fast it would have won gold. Just as he’s about to flatten Ryan for his first sack of the season, here comes Javier Arenas on a corner blitz, literally flying through the air. To make up for Tamba’s one game suspension, Crennel is throwing in some special blitz packages. In this one, Arenas starts 15 yards deep, then just as the offense is breaking their huddle, he sprints ten yards even deeper into the secondary before starting a giant arc until he’s running at subsonic speed but from the opposite side from where he lined up. As Ryan snaps the ball, Arenas launches himself at the line of scrimmage. He quickly picks up the jet stream so he flattens out, arms at his side, like Superman when he goes into bullet-flying mode. He sees Ryan fleeing Houston, hones in and nails Ryan in the chest for a safety. Ryan looks like he may cry.
#2. On the Chiefs’ first possession, the O-line is feeling nasty. They bump some Falcons defenders just walking to the first huddle. First play: Albert absolutely crushes All-Pro Falcons defensive end John Abrahamson. Sensing a big run, Falcons linebacker Akeem Dent tries to slow Albert down. With just a slight twist of his shoulder, Albert transfers 10 tons of chi that sends Dent flying, learned from Grandmaster Joe Kim’s martial arts training. Hillis trucks through for 14 yards. Second play: Charles runs behind Eric Winston, who has just blown a hole so big that Charles slows up, so that Ryan Lilja can come over all the way from his left guard position to play fullback for a play (Lilja, postgame: “Yeah, Jamaal and I talked about that. I’ve always wanted to be a running back, so we just kinda figured out a signal: when Jamaal tugs twice on his facemask and gives me the old Chiefs wolfpack sign, I know to come on over.”) Just to prove a point, the Chiefs proceed to run the ball 12 straight times, culminating in the “welcome back, Jamaal” 12-yard lightning bolt run into the end zone.
#1. And the top reason that the Chiefs will crush the Falcons: at halftime, with the Chiefs up 24-0, Tony Gonzales walks over to the fifty-yard line, retires, then spends the rest of the game rooting for the Chiefs on the red-and-gold sideline!
Addicts, how ready are YOU for Sunday?!! Let’s go Chiefs!!!!