Introducing Jane Rogers, a potential new AA staffer going through her brutal four-week tryout. Give her the usual AA welcome. -PA
Junior Staff Writer…the carrot has been dangled. What “nearing Senior Citizen status” individual doesn’t yearn to have THAT moniker attached to their name? And to add to the appeal, the first FEMALE junior staff writer – Rosa Parks, Barbara Walters, Oprah Winfrey, Phyllis George…Jane Rogers… Pioneers who paved the way for those coming in their stead…
But I’m on probation…my dilemma: to convince a hardcore, analysis-spouting, stat driven, predominantly male population, that I have the cred to run with the big boys. So I have decided that before I get into the hard-hitting, cutting edge topics (brats vs. hamburgers at tailgates, does Hy-Vee have the same impact as “Chiefs n’ Chopper” – oh yeah, I won’t shy away from controversy) which will normally be my forte to give you MY history.
First and foremost, I am a Chiefs fan through and through. When you cut me I bleed red…(wait a minute…so does the rest of the human population…dang it…..sounded much more impressive in my head…)
Ok, let’s try this again…for over 30 years, I have been married to THE (self-proclaimed) ultimate Chiefs fan and have watched as our life has revolved around the red and gold. Ask most people to name their greatest moments in life and it might be their wedding day or the birth of their kids – For Joel, it is Tamarick Vanover’s punt return to beat San Diego in OT or the Joe Montana to Willie Davis pass in the Denver game (For God’s sake, the guy can quote Dan Dierdorf saying, “Lord you can take me now, I’ve seen it all”). Kids going off to school? The death of a loved one? Sad, yes, but not nearly as gut wrenching as the No Punt Playoff Loss or the Lin Elliot Playoff Loss (we’re STILL not allowed to speak his name out loud in our home). This is a guy who can only remember one of the two items you told him to pick up at the grocery store five minutes ago but can still recite verbatim something called the 65 Toss Power Trap.
Year after year, I have not only watched a grown man shamelessly go out in public clothed in his red and gold zebra-striped Zubaz and black high-top Patrick Ewings, but also acknowledged that he was with me. Ok, I have to be honest, I would have had to draw the line if he had been one of those delusional males who thinks that everyone is just dying to see a large, distended stomach painted red hanging over those Zubaz…even loyalty has its limits and love is not THAT blind…but arrowheads on cheeks, Neil Smith Band-Aids on noses, black paint under eyes… I’ve resolutely held his hand and my head high through it all…
And of course the kids…while other children were merrily singing “I love you” with a purple dinosaur, we watched proudly as Sarah and JJ taunted the opposing team with “YOU, YOU, YOU” in their innocent, angelic voices. But not before telling them they were going to beat the hell out of ‘em with all of their 4-foot might. While other kids dreamed of becoming ballerinas and princesses or firemen and astronauts, our children’s role model was a big hipped, googly-eyed creature that pummeled, knocked down, drove over, and ALSO beat the hell out of the opposing team…(what do you MEAN JJ doesn’t play well with others?)
The bottom line is I DESERVE to have this opportunity to utilize all of the Chiefs knowledge, facts, trivia, gossip and minutiae that have made up my adult life. As I told Patrick in my original letter, while cotton may be the fabric of most people’s lives, the red and gold is definitely interwoven in the Rogers’ family tapestry.
So here is what I need everyone to do: you’ve watched American Idol or Survivor or Dancing with the Stars (ok, maybe only as you are switching channels to get to the 142nd discussion on whether Brett Favre was really retiring (he did) or if Peyton Manning was going to go to Miami (he didn’t)). But you know how this works – the person with the most votes, continues on. So obviously my junior writer status depends on if my articles draw comments.
Now while I have begged, bribed and blackmailed all members of my family to write in, I think this Patrick Allen (the Simon Cowell of the Arrowhead Addict) is kind of a clever guy. I’m not sure, but I think if all glowing comments end in the same last name or 47 comments come from the same computer that this article originated from, he might get suspicious…So it is up to you whether my name will be linked to the ladies I mentioned at the beginning of my piece or if I will just be another Maryann Webber (who’s she you ask?…..my point exactly!) And remember the key word is GLOWING – let’s not muddy it up with any of this pesky constructive criticism stuff…
And as I learned from “Who Shot JR” there is nothing to ensure continued viewing than a good old fashioned cliff hanger…so I can promise you that in the next article I will reveal the answer to the question that will be circling around the water cooler tomorrow morning (no, not how I was I able to hack into the Arrowhead Addict article section) but what WILL be my AKA name – Double D is already taken – so there will be some late nights burning the midnight oil but it WILL be resolved.