The Chiefs Spooky Season
By Laddie Morse
Every season has a life of its own. Some seasons are just what they appear to be, while others, like this one, scare the holy crap out of you. So, it’s actually quite fitting that the K.C. Chiefs are hosting a Monday Night Football game this coming Monday evening, which is also Halloween.
Here, I pay homage to the Chiefs’ very scary season.
The Nightmare
You walk into this room and there’s this giant sized pink Buffalo being crowned King for a day being ridden by a coach who once coached for your team and the next thing you know, a little baby Lion is eating your lunch… and your dinner… and he keeps growing bigger and bigger… and you can’t remember how you got to this place but, you wake up from the dream only to realize you’re still asleep and your quarterback keeps throwing up footballs with lightning bolts on them.
The Horror
When you lose your starting MLB and best TE and then lose your Pro Bowl RB and Pro Bowl SS… it is horrific, to put it mildly. Who could have imagined that the Chiefs would lose four key players before the season ever gets a-brewing. As a long time Chiefs fan, I can’t remember a worse set of on-the-field events to beset the Chiefs.
The Trick
Whispers, rumors and innuendo surround your coach and threaten his very existence. Then… odd Todd… tricked great Scott… by doing something bizarre and devious: winning. Add… 0-3… to… 3-0… and you get… job security. For now.
The Treat
Through the mist, sweet salvation appears in the form of a Viking, declaring boldly, “We are mighty warriors, and we have many weapons… uh, can you tell us what to do with these weapons… they seem dangerous… we just don’t know how to use them.”
"“And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtainThrilled me — filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before” (1)"
We should rename them, “The Purple Pee Wee Shooters.” Really… the only thing spooky about the Vikings these days is… you never know what you’re going to get when you play them.
In a never land of lolly-pops and fairy tales our little chieftains already had 3 licks upon the lucky sucker… and decided it tasted bitter. When my little pony from Indy land came bearing gifts these little Indian boys could not refuse. “All you need is trust, and a little bit of pixie dust.” (2) The Colts made the Chiefs look like Giants. The 1986 Giants.
The Thriller
Jackie Battle. “The hotter the battle, the sweeter the victory.” (3) “’Cause this is thriller, thriller night, and no one’s gonna save you, from the beast about to strike.” (4) Well, how do you like 6.3 yards per carry for the game or 5.2 for the year? Beastly indeed. DBowe had 128 yards in the Indy game, and he has been beastly all year too. It may be a spooky season but, you could also call it the year of the beast. Can you say… Hali?
The City of Fountains has always known who their all-time greatest villain… was. Then, one day, the evil Grinch simply up and died. The black hole wailed but, all the good little children of the earth sang in unison, ding dong, the witch is dead, the witch is dead.
Halloween children are challenged everywhere with the decision: which is scarier… the mask of Al Davis… or the mask of Gollum? The bigger question is, can they tell the difference? Scooby Doo is so confused… as usual.
The Candy
Is there anything sweeter than watching the Chiefs beat the cow dung out of the Oakland Raiders on the Raiders own home dirt? That’s like running a local haunted house and your worst enemy shows up to walk through but, they don’t know that you are the one who owns the haunted house. The drubbing of the Faders is probably more equatable to a thousand bags of Halloween candy! How sweet it is. However, it was more like Christmas than Halloween.
The Lions and Tigers and Bears!
In all actuality, when the Chiefs face the hardest part of their schedule, it will be: Patriots and Steelers, and Bears and Jets and Packers, oh my lord! I challenge anyone anywhere to find any 5 game stretch in any sport in any season that is scarier than the Chiefs 5 opponents. BTW… I’m predicting we beat three of them. So, now, who’s scaring who? Or is that whom?
The Best Costume
This falls into the all time best costume category. An Arrowhead Addict T-Shirt worn by AA readers Jeff and wife. Addicts rock the planet all the world over.
Tim Tebow. Here we have the Cirque du Freakin’ Donkey show that is a mile high nightmare… for them. Can you imagine what John Elway dreams about at night. I’m sure he’s finding out now what other super-star players have found out. Just because YOU were a star doesn’t mean you can turn a clown into a clone… of yourself.
It’s a little bit funny to me that the Bonkoos could have gotten back something good, earlier in the year, in a trade for Kyle Orton. Now, his value will most likely diminish to nothingness while Tim Tebow-zo explores the vast universe of his own futility.
You can parade around all you want, trying to look like an NFL QB but, sometimes it’s just a costume. That’s all it is. A costume. A bad one at that. Of course, I never have liked the Broncos uniforms.
The Best Ghost Impersonation
Why is it that Scott Pioli always seems to do a disappearing act during the season? OMG… I just realized why we can never get him to answer direct questions… he IS a ghost. I’d say he’s most likely the ghost of Bill Parcells… but, Bill isn’t dead so, never mind.
The Masks
If the Chiefs win on Monday against the Chargers, they would be in a first place tie in the AFC West. If that happens it would be more unbelievable than a Michelle Bachmann mask. Outrageous! If it doesn’t happen… then I’ll be stuck with the same ole Elvis mask… cause I’ll be shakin’ all over.(5)
Go Chiefs!
1. from “The Raven” by Edgar Allen Poe
2. from “Peter Pan”
3. Bob Marley
4. ‘Thriller” by Michael Jackson
5. my apologies to Vince Taylor but, Elvis sounded better.
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