5 Keys To Beating The Oakland Raiders
The Kansas City Chiefs have 16 games in the books and they have one more regular contest this weekend against their bitter rivals, the Oakland Raiders.
As I have done all season long, I am going to offer up to you my 5 keys to a Kansas City Chiefs victory. All season long I’ve looked at each opponent and let you know what I think the Chiefs needed to do to take care of business against that particular foe. This game against the Raiders is more important than it may appear on the surface. Sure, the Chiefs have the AFC West all locked up but a win Sunday would guarantee them the #3 seed, which if things were to fall KC’s way, could put the AFC Championship game at Arrowhead Stadium.
After a lot of thinking, I’ve come up with 5 keys to victory…after the jump.
1. Take a shower 30 minutes before game time.
If all of the Chiefs shower before the game they will have a significant advantage over the Oakland Raiders. Oakland Raiders players typically smell like something of a cross between an overflowing jailhouse toilet, a garbage can full of rotten eggs and a pile of dead bodies left out in the sun.
The theory here is that the overwhelming smell of cleanliness from the Chiefs players will throw the Raiders players off so much that they will literally have trouble keeping their balance. Todd Haley might even want to consider passing out aftershave as the players come down the tunnel for added effect.
At Arrowhead, it will “Free Bar Of Soap Day.” Clark Hunt came up with this one last minute. The giveaway is sponsored by Irish Spring and every game attendee will be given soap upon presenting their game ticket for admission. This should scare off most Oakland Raiders fans who try to attend the game.
In the event that any Raiders fans do try to chance touching a bar of soap, police officers will be stationed at each gate to frighten away stragglers.
2. Place garlic under Al Davis’ seat and have a priest bless his bottled water.
Everyone knows that the Oakland Raiders get their power from their owner Al Davis who made a deal with the devil back in 1745 to live forever. Satan, tricky little devil that he is, guaranteed Davis everlasting life but did not guarantee him everlasting youth, which is why the Raiders owner is sort of starting to resemble the Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt.
While there is some debate over whether or not Davis can, in fact, be killed, he does have certain weaknesses that can be exploited:
1. Fast wide receivers who can’t catch
2. The color white
3. Silver Bullets
4. Garlic
5. Holy water
6. Sunlight
7. The Bible and crosses
8. Children
9. Terrible coaches
10. The law
11. Love
All of these things can throw Davis off balance and cause him to make poor decisions. The garlic and holy water may not kill him but it should confuse him enough to keep him from roaming around Arrowhead consuming the souls of the innocent like he did back in 1986.
3. Hire a bunch of Tom Cable’s ex-girlfriends to join the Chiefs Cheerleaders on the sideline
Cable has a know weakness for slapping women around, as well as his assistant coaches, so seeing some of his ex-girlfriends on the sideline will probably be enough to send Cable over the edge. The women will be safe of course, as they will be on the sideline in the protection of the KC players but their presence alone will force Cable to have to leave the field as the women all have court ordered restraining orders against him.
While being coachless won’t likely make any difference for the Raiders players, Cable has been known to remind them on occasion that they aren’t playing prison rules football and that they have to attempt to play a clean game. This should lead to numerous personal foul penalties and arrests that should push things in KC’s favor.
4. Leave a trail of donuts and bottles of whiskey out of the Oakland locker room off the edge of a cliff
This should at least take care of Sebastian Janikowski and probably a couple Raiders lineman.
It is my understanding that the Chiefs will also be putting a statue constructed of pure steel and bearing a striking resemblance to Ben Roethlisberger in the Oakland locker room. This will take care of Richard Seymour,
who will punch it for no apparent reason, until he breaks his hand.
5. Show up
The easiest way to beat the Raiders is to show up for the football game. As Marty Shottenheimer always said, just keep the game close until the 4th quarter and wait for the Raiders to beat themselves.
I see no reason why things will be any different Sunday.
Alright Addicts. Those are my 5 keys to victory. What are yours?