The Cincinnati Bengals Halfway House and Resort

The commercial that didn’t air during the Super Bowl:

Mmmm. Smell that? That is the putrid smell of Paul Brown Stadium in despicable Cincinnati, Ohio.

Weighed down by too much money and drugs? Bored with slapping women and spitting drinks in their faces? Weary of running down construction workers drunk and high at dawn? Finally out of jail?

Get away and start over at the luxurious Cincinnati Bengals Halfway House and Resort. We’ll be your home away from home, paying you millions of dollars to play a game and bring shame to our organization.

Domestic violence? Drug possession? Gun possession? Murder? No problem. All are welcome, here at lovely Paul Brown stadium.

Well, what are you waiting for? Call Marvin Lewis and book a private workout free of charge!

The Cincinnati Bengals: The NFL’s version of Australia.


In case you have missed it, over the past few days, the Cincinnati Bengals have completely lost their minds. It was one thing when the signed free agent Larry Johnson, released by the team that drafted him, the Kansas City Chiefs, during the season. The KANSAS CITY CHIEFS! In case you hadn’t noticed, things aren’t going all that well in KC. They can use all the talent they can get. Then again, Larry Johnson really isn’t talented any more so that probably made the decision easier on the Chiefs. The fans in Kansas City hated Johnson so much they started a petition urging the team to dump the woman beater so that he wouldn’t break Priest Holmes’ franchise rushing record.

Did that deter the Bengals? No sir. They needed insurance in case Cedric Benson didn’t get better. They brought in L.J. and his baggage too, for a bargain league minimum. It takes a special kind of desperation to hire a guy another company is paying millions of dollars NOT to come to work there anymore.

At the time, I though Cinci was merely making a strategy based move. They just wanted insurance for Benson. They could always dump L.J. without much penalty if he started acting up. While I didn’t agree with the move, I could at lease see why they did it.

Now, however, I am pretty sure Marvin Lewis is trying to build up an army of evil football players to take over Ohio. After adding Larry to the rap sheet last season the Bengals have now allegedly signed former Jacksonville WR Matt Jones to a contract, worked out Adam “Pac Man” Jones and are reportedly very interested in former Brown and convicted murderer, Dante Stallworth.

Upon reviewing their team’s off-season moves thus far, all 5 Cincinnati Bengals fans must be starting to question their allegiance. Heck, 2 of the 5 the Bengals fans only started rooting for the team last season when they saw the bandwagon rolling by and the other 3 are Marvin Lewis and his two Golden Retrievers.

*Note: Lewis used to have 3 Golden Retrievers but one of them was tragically killed when Lewis left it to board at Mike Vick’s “Bad Newz Kennel.”

**Note: Lewis told me privately a couple of weeks ago that the Bengals would not rule out trading for Vick as insurance for Carson Palmer.

Back to the criminal law firm known as Jones, Jones and Stallworth.

Are the Bengals really this desperate? I mean, these guys have a pretty decent team. They have a good defense, a darn good QB and a solid running game. Seriously, if Larry Johnson proved anything last season it is that any old, washed up running back with legs or any running backing in his prime, without legs but with a motorized wheel chair, could gain 100 yards in a game running behind the Bengals line.

Have the Bengals ever heard of the draft? The waiver wire? I am all for thinking outside the box when it comes to player acquisitions but even I wouldn’t have thought of going down to the local penitentiary to find my team a corner back. I just don’t get it. It is like Marvin Lewis is trying to create his very own version of the movie “The Longest Yard.” Next thing you know, Carson Palmer’s knee is going to get blown off his leg by one of the thugs in the locker room and Burt Reynolds is going to be playing QB.

Let’s take a look at the Bengals possible starting lineup for next season and some of their vitals.

The Bengals QB of the future. Seriousl, he is a QB...look, it even says so ON THE FOOTBALL!

New starting QB: Burt Reynolds aka Paul Crewe

This is a brilliant move by Marvin Lewis. The hell with Palmer. This guy is a leader of men. Very, very bad men.

CB Adam "Pac Man" Jones

CB, Adam Jones

Not only is he a talented player at a bargain price, he has a really cool nickname, which is what mainly attacked the Bengals. “Pac Man” has the stats to back up his street cred.

2005- Assault and Felony Vandalism

August 25, 2006- Jones was arrested for disorderly conduct and public intoxication.

On October 26, 2006- Jones was cited for misdemeanor assault for allegedly spitting in the face of a female student from Tennessee State University.

On May 7, 2007- Jones was stopped at 12:45 a.m after an officer clocked him on radar at 79 mph in a 55 mph.

On June 18, 2007- Jones was sought by police for questioning after a shooting at an Atlanta strip club allegedly involved members of his entourage.

If you put your chin up at an akward angle in a mug shot, it makes you look like a bad ass.

WR, Matt Jones

Not only has Matt Jones not played football in a over a year, he is also a drug addict. Sounds perfect for the Cincinnati Bengals Halfway House and Resort. There is also a chance Jones can help the team bring in extra revenue by smuggling cocaine around in the teams footballs. Jones also has not played football in a year but what really concerns Marvin Lewis is Jones’ rather short list of crimes. Ah hell, never mind, they went ahead and signed him anyway. Let’s look at his stats, shall we?

On July 10, 2008-Jones was arrested at gunpoint and charged with felony possession of a controlled substance. The police found a plastic bag filled with six grams of a white substance that tested positive as cocaine.

On March 9, 2009-Jones was arrested again after failing a drug test which showed that he had alcohol in his system. This violated the condition of his probation.

Larry "Smack My Bitch Up" Johnson

I would think, given his rather tame crimes of slapping women around and spewing homophobic slurs (which isn’t even a crime) that Johnson might be released this off-season. But the recent moves the Bengals are making in picking up Jones and working out Pac Man, make me think that Marvin Lewis might really value chemistry and as we have learned, Pac Man likes to slap women around too! The two could end up being bosom buddies and locker room pranksters! Most especially, Jones likes to bang strippers heads off the stage as they crawl around trying to pick up the dirty, 1 dollar bills he threw at them. Hell, he might be able to mentor Johnson.

What Lewis really likes about Stallworth is that he got dressed up to go to jail. That shows character. You can't teach intangables.

The whole center piece in the 2010 Bengals would be getting Stallworth on to the Resort. As many crimes as Jones and Jones and even Johnson have on their rap sheet, none of them have actually murdered anyone…yet. Lewis is impressed with Stallworth, not only because of his snazzy fashion sense, but his ability to maintain focus while driving a car drunk and high. Why, just imagine how many footballs he could catch drunk and high?

Now, if grabbing a couple of drug addicts, thugs and a murderer aren’t enough for the Bengals front office, here are 2 sleeper free agents the team may go after.

Plaxico "Where's the Safety?" Burres

Plax never hurt nobody. Nobody but himself. He probably doesn’t have much left in the tank but if Marvin Lewis wants to get rid of Carson Palmer to make room for Burt Reynolds, he is going to need someone to shoot his knee off.

Enter Plax.

Lewis is interested in Vick for a couple of reasons. 1st, he wants Vick to teach him how to grow that bad ass goatee. 2nd, he could use Vick, not only as insurance for Burt Reynolds at QB, but as a special enforcer. You see, when Larry Johnson gets too old to run anymore, Vick can electrocute him to death and relieve the Bengals of some cap space. Also, if Jones and Jones act up and start fighting over who is the best Jones, Vick can put them into the trunk of a car until one rips out the others throat.

I know I  said two sleepers and I meant it.

This next one is more like a dark horse. I got this one straight from Lewis himself.

More insurence. In case the team can't sign Adam Jones.

Yes, I have to say, the AFC North better look out. The future is bright in Cincinnati. Oh well.

At least the Bengals have one model citizen.

Topics: Bengals, Kansas City Chiefs, Larry Johnson, Marvin Lewis, Matt Jones, Mike Vick, Pac Man Jones

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