Happy Independence Day to my fellow Americans! And if you aren't American and you're reading this, welcome to the party. Today we celebrate freedom by doing something truly American: blowing stuff up. Millions will tap into their dormant DNA that awakens once a year by spending copius amounts of money on awe-inspiring fireworks. It's awesome.
But as I enjoy the celebration, it got me thinking: What if Kansas City Chiefs players were fireworks? This may be an exercise in futility, but hear me out: the team that has easily been the most explosive over the past five years has to be kind of like fireworks right? So who's who? Let's get started.
Roman Candle: Travis Kelce
You never have a firework war without Roman Candles, and the Chiefs never go to battle without Travis Kelce. Just like a Roman Candle, the dude just keeps producing, year in and year out.
When playing with Roman Candles you might think, "Is it done yet?" and after seven straight 1000-yard seasons, some were asking the same thing of Kelce this year.
His response? "Until the wheels fall off."
They tell us to never hold Roman Candles in our hands, but you know what Kelce would say to that? "Pshhh!" That's because like Roman Candles, you never know what you're gonna get. Will it shoot off straight, will it backfire, will it go sideways? That unpredictability is what most fans experience whenever Kelce has a mic in his hands. And we love it.
Skyrocket: Chris Jones
Skyrockets are fun to watch shooting off into the night sky. Or pretty much any direction except your direction. One time I had a cannister fall over and I just barely dived out of the way as one of these zoomed towards me and exploded.
That's how quarterbacks feel seeing Chris Jones come off the line. It's truly terrifying, and if you don't escape the blast radius, his sacks are almost certainly drive killers. This beautiful behemoth of a man lights up night games like the beautiful rockets exploding over your house right now.
Firecracker: Isiah Pacheco
Firecrackers can pack quite a bit of firepower inside their little shells. Kind of like Isiah Pacheco. Everytime he touches the ball it's like someone lit his fuse and he's going to explode through the line. Which he usually does.
And then true to firecracker form, Pacheco isn't afraid to give a nice loud "pop" as he bulldozes his way through defenders. It's fun, and makes us want to watch it again and again—just like firecrackers.
Sparkler: Kadarius Toney
Sparklers are classic fireworks that are easy to use and fun to play with. Kind of like Kadarius Toney. Even though he's been on the team for less than a year, Toney has already made his presence known, contributing to the Super Bowl win (and the journey there) in considerable ways.
But the problem with sparklers is that they don't last long. Unfortunately Toney has displayed the same in his short tenure with the Chiefs. Hopefully his injury history is...well history, and we get to enjoy seeing Toney's shine for a little bit longer this year.
Smoke Bomb: Nick Bolton
After making a name for himself last year with a franchise record 180 tackles, Bolton made the NFL.com All-Under 25 team this year. And it makes sense. As evidenced by that record, he's a tackling machine.
The comparison here is simple: if Bolton's coming at you, you're going to get smoked. Okay okay, too much of a stretch? Fine, how about the smoke he produced when he ran that fumble recovery back for a touchdown in the Super Bowl? He left everyone in the dust.
Poppers: Harrison Butker
Poppers are the old faithful of fireworks. They are simple, reliable, and you can expect the same thing from them over and over. They are safe. Just like Harrison Butker.
Butker is one of the best kickers in the NFL, and his leg certainly provides plenty of 'pop'. On top of that he's consistent and reliable. Well, usually.
The thing with poppers is that there's at least one or two duds in every box. And weirdly enough that's kind of what happens with Butker, too. For every 10 unbelievable kicks, he gives you a couple duds - usually in the form of missed extra points.
Artillery Shell: Patrick Mahomes
Is it anymore obvious? When you go to a fireworks show, you go to see the big guns, the cannons, the biggest possible bang for your buck.
And that's what we get with Patrick Mahomes. He has a cannon for an arm that can make literally any throw and regularly rains down mortar strikes on opposing defenses. It's beautiful and unfair at the same time.
As you celebrate the red, white, and blue by lighting off your favorite fireworks, don't forget you can see fireworks all year round: just by turning on a Chiefs game.