It wasn't too long ago that I was forced to sit next to a guy on a long flight who spent the majority of our time in the air trying his best to convince me to join him as a Flat Earther. I should have seen it coming when he insisted on placing a much-too-large suitcase inside the overhead compartment (it never fit). It should be noted that he also removed his shoes on the flight.
As it turns out, he eventually told me he went to Penn State.
I mention this because everything I know about the education at Penn State has come from Flat Earth Ken and Micah Parsons, a man who clearly has absolutely no future in broadcasting or football analysis when his playing days are over. The good news is he's getting the bag now.
Why would I make such statements? Um, all you have to do is listen for yourself to his recent rant on First Things First.
The Chiefs should blast this in the locker room 24/7 https://t.co/mVZPn0HH5u pic.twitter.com/dULlxkmbtc
— Zack Eisen (@zackeisen21) October 25, 2023
Yeah, not only does he say there's no one to fear on the Chiefs but Travis Kelce and Patrick Mahomes, but he also goes on to say that he does fear Dallas Goedert and D'Andre Swift. I'm pretty sure both of those players have never even reached 1,000-yard season of any kind in Madden, let alone real life. To make matters worse, Parsons lists the 49ers, Eagles, Dolphins, Ravens, and Browns as teams who are better than Kansas City.
So perhaps this is understandable. He went to Penn State. Maybe Parsons is a Flat Earth guy or maybe Penn State is a diploma mill.
Either way, Parsons is about as astute in his observations as me sitting in a fancy tasting room at Woodford Reserve while on a bourbon trail trip with some old friends. In this fireside room, you're given a wheel with 30 "tasting notes" and then asked to identify hints of this or that. The host in the room called on me in front of 50 or so people who were all geeking out about this particular casked bourbon. "What are you getting?" he said. Drunk, I replied.
So, should we be mad at Micah Parsons? Nah. This isn't even bulletin board material for the Chiefs, to be honest. To be disrespected, it has to come from someone who knows what respect is, but Parsons plays for the Cowboys. When you play on such a lower-tier, you're constantly looking up, so it's not surprising that several teams seem to be so amazing to Parsons.
It does, however, make him inaccurate. This analysis is stupid and not worth anyone's time, so he's clearly not cut out for any sort of post-career analysis in broadcasting. Wait, actually, in a world with Colin Cowherd and Mike Florio, perhaps Micah Parsons is perfect for this sort of thing.