I know there are some people who have been saying they are anxious to see my analysis of “all things Chiefs” and so I sat down to let my brilliant opinions flow on the page……c’mon, flooooow…..how about steady stream?…..Trickle???
As I TRIED to come up with profound predictions, I finally had to come to terms with what I have always suspected – for me, it is not about the SPECULATION but all about the SPECTACLE. I know that Arrowhead Addict is about both the “What If”, as well as the “What Is”, but my forte has always been about the “What Was” and how best I can explore, explain and exaggerate the heck out of it. Therein lies my dilemma…. I have nothing to write about at the moment because, in my opinion, everything is unknown – the players, the GM, the coach…. I’ve got nothing….
Like the old Hollywood glamour, I long for the Chiefs’ “Glory Days”: Joel pulling a groin muscle doing his best Andre “Spiderman” Risen impression; The X-Factor—not an insipid show of hollow talent but an inspired show of Hall (Dante, to be exact) talent; Goo Gone flowing freely, removing Neil Smith Nose Band-Aids after games (Just an aside to my girlfriends – actually did wonders for my pores in that pesky T-Zone area!); Tony G’s spike over the goal post after touchdowns (especially when he got tired from doing it so often that it turned into an underhand toss); and Marcus Allen – well, Marcus Allen – do I really need to say more?
There are no stars, no personalities, on this emerging team YET (I had hopes when they drafted Turk and Tank in the same year – man, talk about a writer’s dream in alliteration alone – but alas, they’re history)….. But, back to my case in point: We went to the Chiefs game last Halloween, and JJ dressed up as Todd Haley—complete with stubble, shaggy hair, grimy cap, headset and playbook. He even had his trademark look down pat – the one that was kind of a cross between him smelling something rotten and just finding out his dog had died. NO ONE knew who JJ was impersonating……at a CHIEFS game, for God’s sake! And NOW we have Romeo who doesn’t even have the GRIMY CAP! Where is Marty frantically running up and down the sidelines, veins popping, jaw dropping, clipboard down the front of his pants or Dick Vermeil sobbing uncontrollably about ANYTHING—the latest loss, the greatest win, a player injured, a player coming back from injury? (The after-the-game press conference reporters used to just automatically don slickers, click their waterproof pens and wait….)
I even miss Carl Peterson, which I didn’t think is something that would ever come from my mouth after the Gannon/Grbac fiasco. At least I knew that pompous stance, gelled hair and big ring (NOT from the Super Bowl—Thank You, Carl) equaled our general manager. To me, Pioli is like the “great and powerful Oz”—a lot of smoke and flash and intimidation but, so far, not showing a lot of what’s behind the curtain (Where’s Toto when we need him?).
Now do I think we can get back to those days of stars and personality and fodder for my type of observational roasting? Absolutely! IF….. 1) We can wrap Moeaki and Charles and Berry in bubble wrap, so we can keep them uninjured longer than the two weeks we got last year; 2) After a few starts under their belts, the new guys—Poe, Allen, Stephenson—are riding the parade float, waving through the confetti, rather than scraping the bus tire marks off their backs à la Trezelle Jenkins; 3) Pioli finally gets his wish and turns the Chiefs into his dream – “The Midwest Patriots”; or 4) The Chiefs can actually get into a playoff that they deserve to be in, rather than apologetically sneaking in the back door on an astronomical alignment of the stars.
But therein lies the difference between the fan (me) and the fanatic (Joel and the “Arrowhead Addicts”)…… Because of the unknown, Joel is voraciously scanning every form of media to get every insight on every player and every aspect of the game. I, meanwhile, have switched over to People Magazine and trashy novels until at least training camp (Hey, let’s go mano-a-mano on “The Kardashians” or “The Bieb” and see who has the stats THEN!).
So, while I do not have a lot of insight to give in regards to the upcoming team, I WOULD like to offer something to those steadfast readers that have stood by me lo these many years…. months…. weeks…. Hmmmm…. Oh well, so your loyalty isn’t THAT impressive – I still would like to deliver to you what I promised in that inaugural column (not) so long ago…my aka name……”Jane (in a) Man’s field” (Those under 40, just Google it for God’s sake!), a beautiful, blonde bombshell (ok, so I’m closer to a bombed blond who looks like she just got shelled, but let’s not quibble on semantics). Like her, most of my columns, while seemingly shallow and flighty at first glance, hopefully have a little bit of substance and intelligence underneath. Or, if nothing else, entertains you for a moment. And though many may not know my articles, those who do will never forget them (oh yeah, just TELL me you won’t “hear my voice” when Mr. Irrelevant is announced next year).
Only time will tell if they live a full and productive life or if, like my namesake, they meet their untimely demise and the phrase “gone too soon” will be forever linked (ok, probably only in MY mind) to them.