Notes From The Couch

Monday nights are usually when I sit down, reflect on what the Kansas City Chiefs did or didn’t do over the weekend just past, and pull something out of my ass together for my Tuesday post. But on this particular Monday night, it so happens I was a bit distracted by something rather compelling that I was watching on television. I only had time to jot down some observations during breaks in the action as it unfolded. So consider these my Quick Slants. Some of them are even football-related…

• Hey, nice graveyard rendition of Danse Macabre by the Philharmonia of Greater Kansas City during the MNF intro (my friend Kristin was the Zombie bassist on the left).
• Not a big fan of all those not-so-terrible white towels. The idea was lame enough at Busch Stadium during the World Series and it’s no more impressive at Arrowhead. What? Is everyone surrendering? Or just waving their tighty-whities in the air? Hard to tell.
• Is that a five-inch Herm Edwards screaming at a couple of clueless tools to “ice down those Coors Lights, baby?” Finally—a coaching job worthy of Herm’s stature.
• Lamest Halloween costume seen in the crowd: Zach Galifianakis’s “Alan” with beard, sunglasses, and strap-on baby (with sunglasses) from The Hangover. Soooo 2009. (And there’s no good reason to remind Chiefs fans of 2009.)
• Did I hear that right about Chiefs center Casey Wiegmann? 10,502 snaps in a row? I wonder if that statistic about a routine, seemingly mundane element of the game will take on more significance later…
• Newest addition to Todd Haley’s nasty-as-he-wants-to-be ensemble: Navy undershirt with some kind of emblem that resembles either a grease stain or maybe a patch of sweat.

• The time Ryan Mathews must have spent on his rather intricate haircut surely could have been better used on a few more contact drills. Not sure what all those zigzagging lines mean—perhaps Sanskrit for “Small Fast Running Man Who Drop Ball.”
• The red socks and shoes seen on Bowe and Flowers should be regulation for all Chiefs receivers and defensive backs.
• Has Thomas Jones had any runs for positive yardage this year? I don’t mean that literally… No, actually, I do.
• So that’s where Jonathan Baldwin’s been all season: “being developed.” Thank you, Jon Gruden.
• Holding hands in the end zone = offensive pass interference.
• For the second game in a row, the Chiefs coaching staff seems to have forgotten that the first half lasts a full 30 minutes. Fortunately, this time, they woke up with 30 seconds left.
• Hey, Siri—do you know where I put the remote? I want to fast-forward through this damn iPhone commercial.
• This Brandon Flowers kid is pretty good. You’ll be hearing about him. The Chiefs should really try to sign him to a deal or something.
• Same for that Tamba what’s-his-name.
• Speaking of TH, he should get at least a half-sack added to his stat total for every time he gets held within three feet of the quarterback. I think that’s happened at least five times tonight.
• Oh, crap. I never did paint that chipped windowsill. (Sorry, just something else I observed during the game.)
• Dexter McCluster consistently makes four-yard plays look like 25-yard runs, with about a three-jukes-per-yard average.
• Love the Jackie Battle second-chance touchdown leap; let’s call that move the “Statue of Liberty Stage Dive.” Good thing there were no linebackers there to swat it out of his outstretched hand.
• The better Cassel plays, the cooler and calmer he looks. That’s a nice change.
• Does drinking a Corona make you feel like you’re at the beach? Anyone?
• McCluster: seven weeks after fumbling the opening kickoff, he’s learned to hug the ball like it’s his favorite teddy bear.
• I think there should be an actual 10-foot-high pane of glass installed on the goal line across the length of the field. Enough of this “breaking the plane” nonsense. Make them shatter the pane.
• Okay, apparently, the Chiefs coaches are also slow to realize that the second half is only 30 minutes. And now they can’t stop the clock. I guess the Chargers will have to stop themselves.
• And yep, that’s why they make you snap the ball. It can be as important and decisive as any other aspect of the game.
• Trivia question of the night: Who is the only player in NFL history selected last in the draft to go on to kick game-winning field-goals in overtime on Halloween in back-to-back seasons? I think we all know the answer!
• Best Halloween costume seen in the crowd: Crying baby in Philip Rivers jersey. (Also seen on the field.)
• Todd Haley’s creeping beard is getting crusty and a bit gray, and that sweaty hat is naaas-ty. But he doesn’t look all that bad. That’s what winning’ll do for you.
• So the Chiefs, left for dead in September, are now tied for first place in the AFC West…! (Yes, I’m just stating the obvious…but, hey, who would have thought you’d see “Chiefs,” “first place,” and “obvious” in the same sentence?)