2016 NFL Mock Draft
I get sick of Todd McShay and the so called experts who get paid around the clock to tell us not just who’s going where in the upcoming months, but who teams will be selecting in the upcoming years.
It cancels me out. It makes me unnecessary. And it renders anything I say to be redundant; any argument I have for any player was likely already written by Rick Gosselin in 2009.
There’s little to nothing that your average schmoe can do to get ahead in this rough world of draft analysis.
Until now.
I have run the proverbial end around all professional analysis by taking my predictions to the next level: five years into the future.
Watch history unfold before you as the Mike Mayock’s of the world squirm anxiously upon the release of my first-round mock of the 2016 NFL Draft.
Now, I do want to remind you, the NFL is a bit different in the future. My mock predicts and reflects those changes. After the jump.
1. Denver Broncos — CB Gabrio Garcia, Florida State
John Elway’s newfound love of Tim Tebow is yeilding modest returns, to say the least. Elway decides to help him out, by drafting a corner. Which makes sense, Elway assures us.
2. New England Patriots (from Tampa Bay) — QB Arlo Martinez, Ohio State
Tom Brady, after playing until he was damn near40. He broke his leg in practice, and the Patriots’ medical personnel had no choice but to put him down. Acquiring this pick from another team, the search for a replacement begins.
3. The Greater Southwest Cardinals — WR Lonzo Rodriguez, Penn State
Once the Phoenix Cardinals, the Arizona franchise continues to expand the region it represents, and drafts a guy who racked up 2,000 yards receiving in the strike-shortened 2015 NCAA football season.
4. New England Patriots — QB Roberto Lopez, USC
Acquiring this pick from another team, the search continues.
5. Toronto Bills — DT Montrelle Hernandez, Alcorn State
The NFL wanted to expand internationally, and the Bills franchise needed to move somehwere (a.) more profitable, and (b.) even more frigid.
6. Miami Dolphins — WR Videl Gonzalez, Colorado
The Dolphins land the much needed Gonzalez for the Tyler Thigpen renaissance.
7. New England Patriots (from Carolina) — QB Honorato Perez, Penn State
Acquiring this pick from another team, the search continues.
8. Baltimore Ravens — DE Cristos Sanchez, Florida
Sanchez will be the league’s first 350 lb DE with 4.5 speed. Falls to #8 because he is considered a project.
9. Indianapolis Colts — QB? [fetus] Manning, Tennessee
After several mediocre seasons as offensive coordinator, Peyton Manning simultaneously assumes GM duties and impregnates his wife. In the wake of the 2011 NFL Lockout in which the players won everything they wanted in court, drafting the future rights of fetuses is legal.
10. Denver Broncos — OLB Mateo Ramirez, Ohio State
The Broncos acquired this additional pick out of pity.
11. Los Angeles Stars — DL Delmar Torres, UCLA
The San Diego Chargers franchise finally moves to a location where people give a rat’s ass about football. Just in time for Torres, a whirlwind of destruction. But he only plays well when he’s high on marijuana, which Big Matt would be happy to know is legalized in 2016.
12. New England Patriots (from Philadelphia) — QB Lisandro Diaz, Miami
Acquiring this pick from another team, the search continues.
13. Pittsburgh Steelers — S Javier Gomez, Washington State
A wave of teams start drafting safeties in the first round in the vain hopes of matching the incredible impact Eric Berry has had on the Chiefs. Berry by this point is a lock for Taco Bell’s NFL Hall of Fame.
14. London United — OT Tajo Reyes, Pittsburgh
In a widely watched television program, citizens of Cleveland as well as the rest of the world watch as Browns owner Randy Lerner announces his “Decision” on ESPN, which involves him elevating on a platform and deciding the team is moving — to London.
Cleveland goes on watch for mass suicide.
15. Dallas Cowboys — OT Estefan Ortiz, Florida
Following Roger Goodell’s retirement, the NFL opened its doors on players with character concerns. This provided Estefan Ortiz with an opportunity, and he became the NFL’s first player to play with an ankle bracelet.
16. Detroit Lions — RB Montenegro Cruz, Central State (OH)
Montenegro Cruz is crushed, as he desperately wanted to play professional football. But the Lions famously won the Super Bowl in 2012, and as such decided to go out on a high note. Every Sunday they bring their players out to the field to wave at the crowd for three hours. Oddly enough, in 2016, this gave them a .500 record.
17. Milwaukee GE Healthcare Global Diagnostic Imagers — MLB Vincente Morales, Michigan
Long touted as an anti-capitalist collective organization, Packers fans long lorded their superiority in that regard to the rest of the NFL. But this all changed in 2014, as GE Healthcare Global Diagnostic Images bought out the franchise. It also bought out its soul.
18. Mexico City Hombres — OG Mark Smith, Washington
The Jaguars finally move to Mexico City in 2015. Oddly enough, their first move is drafting the only non-Hispanic in the entire first round.
19. New York Giants — WR Sal Ruiz, Tennessee
20. Washington Trail of Tears — RB Felix Chavez, Utah
The Redskins changed their name back in 2013 to reflect concerns that the team name was too racially insensitive.
21. New England Patriots (from Tennessee) — QB Silvino Castillo, Fort Valley State
The search continues.
22. New York Jets — DE Eduardo Garza, Michigan
Rex Ryan is still around. So is Mark Sanchez. Because I thought you’d like to know.
23. Oakland Raiders — Snagglepuss Your Champion The Third, Kentucky Derby
Al Davis continues to defy death, and has started drafting horses out of the Triple Crown. After the lockout in 2011, this became legal.
24. New England Patriots (from Houston) — QB Che Vargas, Houston
The..
25. New England Patriots (from Chicago) — QB Gorane Mendez, Texas
…search…
26. New England Patriots (from Atlanta) — QB Ignado Santiago, Arizona State
…continues. Tom Brady’s a hard guy to replace, okay!?
27. New England Patriots (from Minnesota) — QB Josie Juarez, Kansas
The Patriots draft a woman out of Kansas University. She runs a 4.3, throws the ball through the uprights at the 50, and calls peerless audibles at the line of scrimmage. The only downside is that she will have one bad game a month…
28. New New Orleans Saints — MLB Adan Delgado, South Carolina State
After numerous natural disasters, the mayor of New Orleans just decided to rebuild the entire city on top of the old city, Futurama-style.
29. Kansas City Thormans — NT Quinto Torrez, Wisconsin
Chris and Joel Thorman’s influence has grown in Kansas City until they eventually accumulated the power to take over the St. Louis Rams, which they promptly turned into a soulless organization of slickly executed success. Arrowhead Pride traffic plummets as the Thormans now have something to do during the day.
30. Kansas City Chiefs — QB Jesus Rios, Nebraska
Todd Haley FINALLY bails on Matt Cassel to bring in the next quarterback of the future. Which is actually a guy named Jesus. He grew up in Nebraska, too, so he was actually born in a manger. No relation to the other Jesus, though.
31. New England Patriots (from New England through San Francisco) — CB Florinio Jimenez, Stephen F. Austin
The Patriots look to build their defense. Or something, I’m pretty sure Belichek is mailing it in this year.
32. Cincinnati Bengals — OT Sein Aguilar, Alabama
The Bengals draft well to continue their dynasty of three consecutive Super Bowls since 2013. Their key advantage over all other teams: Jesus Christ returned in 2012 and all worthy souls ascended to Heaven, knocking every team in the NFL back to expansion team-levels of remaining talent. Ever team but the Bengals, such as they are, who remained pretty much in tact.