Personally, there are a lot of places I would hate to live as a Chiefs fan. Currently from a fan perspective I am in one of those places. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of natural wonders and beautiful landscapes here in Oklahoma, well maybe not, but being in Tulsa has a lot of drawbacks. Being only four hours away from Arrowhead Stadium, but equidistant from JerryWorld, guess which team gets played most on television? DING DING DING! You guessed, it! Jerry Jones and company sweep the market for the most part, and we are just far enough away that people don’t care to see the Chiefs.
To add insult to this injury, having no professional football team in the state but being home to two Big 12 teams (OU and OSU in case you live under a rock) most people look at the NFL as a secondary football league that they will watch if there is nothing better to do. I think I could stand having no one care about the Chiefs so long as there was some passion around the rest of the league, but it is downright painful for someone who has never really gotten into the college game.
The reason for all of this talk? I may be moving soon to a place much worse.
That’s right Addicts, your Okie Homie Nick Rodgers may soon be packing his tomahawk and headdress and moving to Denver. This of course is a voluntary action on my part, but although I feel this is a smart career choice I cannot help but feel that I am betraying my home town slightly. After all, being from Kansas City and having a borderline healthy/I should see a shrink about my anger issues hatred for the Denver Broncos, this can only compound the volatility of my mental state. The past few days as I have pondered the idea of becoming “Trapped In Donkeyland” (that one goes out to you TIDL) a greater picture has started to encompass the microcosm of my life. The burning question behind this greater picture is, “What would be the worst place to live as a Kansas City Chiefs fan?”
There are several obvious candidates, Denver being among them, but in all reality there are much worse places to live than Colorado. Here is a list of my top five:
5. Denver, CO: This ranks low on my list because aside being an optimist about possibly moving there, I will still get to hear a lot of AFC West news, I will continually get to talk smack to Broncos fans, and overall Colorado has a lot to offer as a state in terms of activities being so close to the Rocky Mountains.
4. Foxboro, MA: Don’t get me wrong, I think that Belichick is a great coach, and Brady is a great quarterback, but I don’t think I could handle the omnipresence of Super Bowl Title jackets and the overbearing sentiment that the Patriots are greatest organization ever to bless the NFL with its presence. This coupled with the horrid weather (Colorado has bad weather but at least there’s stuff to do) and the Boston accent, which I think is charming in doses but would eventually drive me insane, lands them in my number four spot.
3. Dallas, TX: I have not had good experiences in Texas. The best of these experiences was when I was pulled over for going seven miles an hour over the speed limit and had all of my bags pulled out of my minivan (that’s right a 1998 Red Chevy Venture) and searched. I believe the hubris of Cowboys fans in that area claiming that they are “America’s Team” and even to go so far as to say that their old stadium was designed so God could watch his team play football would inevitably drive me so insane that I would either be killed, or end up in the penitentiary. I’m too pretty to go to the penitentiary.
2. Anywhere Outside of the US: Football is not Soccer, well it is in every other country, but my point is that outside of the US virtually no one cares about the NFL. Having no one other than people in online forums to talk to about the Chiefs, plus the fact that whatever crazy time zone I may be in would mean that I would have to watch games at 2 o’clock in the morning spells disaster. Also, in most places abroad I would have to learn another language which I am not apt to do being an American. I am proud of my ignorance dammit!
1. Oakland, CA: Don’t lie, you all saw this coming. Oakland is known across the nation for being a total shithole (no offense to people in Oakland, but it is what it is) with high crime rates and double digit unemployment. To be a Chiefs fan there I would have to invest in quite a bit of personal protection equipment just to walk down the street in KC attire, let alone what I would have acquire go to games without being beaten, stabbed, and shot. I believe that anyone buying tickets to an Oakland game from out of state should automatically being linked to a page displaying the “Raiders Game Survival Kit” which would include bear mace, bulletproof vest, headgear, rape whistle, assorted small arms, and ninja smoke balls for use after the game to escape when a group of belligerent fans decides to go all mob mentality.
So, I guess what I’m saying is that it could be worse, much worse. Away from Kansas City is never where I want to be from a fan standpoint, but the adventure of life is a complex process that involves much more than just what team you root for on Sunday.
So what do you think Addicts? For those of you not in KC, what is the worst part of being a Chiefs fan where you live? Also, are there any other places you think should be added to the list that I may have overlooked?