Dealing With Denver
I have a couple of friends of mine who love talking smack on the Chiefs. They also happen to be Denver fans and every time some Chiefs news comes down the pike, my cell phone inevitably blows up with text messages. Like an old, bitchy girlfriend, they can’t stand seeing any sort of good news about us, especially if the news means bad news for them. Last weekend’s Matt Cassel trade helped ignite the fire, but Jay “Crybaby” Cutler may never get over his new coach mentioning Cutler in a trade for Cassel that would have shipped Cutler to Tampa. If you thought you heard about Cutler’s diabetes one too many times last season on Sundays — well wait until you hear how many times you’ll hear “Cutler had his poor widdle feelings hurt because his name was mentioned in a trade scenario with Tampa” when next season gets rolling.
So, onto the purpose of this post — talking smack with the best of them — how to deal with delusional Denver fans who can’t talk smack without mentioning the following things somewhere in the script. I’m going to list a few of these fallback smack items and then show you how a real conversation goes with a “Denver Dummy”. Hopefully you’ll come out looking like John Smith instead of Emmitt Smiff in your smack talk, so put your thinking caps on and get your best yo momma joke ready because you are going to Smack School!
1. John Elway – This is the Denver fan’s ace in the hole, their crutch, their go-to in an argument where they are grasping at straws. John Elway will inevitably be brought up at any time in any smack talk dialogue. Be prepared.
2. “At least we’ve won the SuperBowl this decade recently.” This is sometimes interchangeable with “Elway”. Denver fans love to remind KC fans about how recently they won the big show. Usually, they will say that “At least we won a SuperBowl,” then you remind them the Chiefs won SuperBowl IV, long berfore John Elway and his overbite terrorized the league. The next inevitable response is that “Well, at least we won this decade in the last 20 years.” This is the point when you say “Jeff Hostetler, Doug Williams, and Joe Montana; at least we didn’t lose three Super Bowls!”
3. Jay Cutler – This guy is slowly becoming your ADF’s (Average Dumb Fu Denver Fan) favorite topic, so much in fact that Cutler noticed this trend and proclaimed himself the next John Elway in a preemptive ego strike and one that garnered Cut no love at local car dealerships owned by former Denver QB’s. Denver fans also love having a diabetic QB because it gives the announcers 18 more excuses to talk about the big dumb oaf who can’t win one freaking game down the stretch to get into the playoffs (still lol’ing about that one!)
Your typical Denver game now consists of the announcers talking about these three things only:
- Jay Cutler’s blood sugar
- Eddie Royal’s breakout game (every week)
- Brandon Marshall’s suspension(s).
Here’s how the conversations between me and (well, we’ll call him DenverDummy for now.) go…
CraneDamage: Cassel to the Chiefs, now we have a QB and you’re dead meat.
DenverDummy: Cassel’s mentor, the guy who taught him everything he knows, is now the coach in Denver. We know his every weakness, we will continue to dominate D Chiefs.
CraneDamage: Way to sign the next Ty Law. What is Brian Dawkins, 50 now? The Rickey Henderson of football. Hope he owns a treadmill, he will need it to keep up with Crabtree.
DenverDummy: Don’t forget about your other “#1” bowloney (Dbowe). Draft an injured player please! He’s a loser. Ty who? Another Chiefs has-been.
CraneDamage: Just like Dawkins.
DenverDummy: Look for Dawkins to dominate Fagtree and Bowloney!
CraneDamage: We have a new King in Pioli who got Cassel and a Vrabel for a second round pick. Bite Me.
DenverDummy: Assholi can’t do what he did b4, They gave up too much for Cassel, he won’t do sh** w/o the Pats O-line. Look for a big drop in his numbers.
CraneDamage: A 2nd rd pick is too much? Ur retarded.
DenverDummy: U think Belichick got stupid overnight? He knows Assel (sic) is a product of his system. Think!
CraneDamage: (2 messages) Billb is Pioli’s BFF — this was payback for getting 3 rings. They franchised Cassel bc they didn’t know TomB was OK and MC’s value never higher, so as insurance they franchised him. Had to trade bc can’t have two qb’s making 15 mil. They cleared 20m in space, and if Brady hadn’t shot his mouth off a few days ago about being OK, then they might have gotten more for MC.
DenverDummy: McDaniels gonna win many rings with Cut and his gun
CraneDamage: Not with that joke of a defense.
DenverDummy:Even an airheadaddict can understand Denver is a lot closer than KC. Admit that or don’t waste my time!
CraneDamage: F no you’re not, your defense is worse than ours. Give KC a new LB in Curry — we got DJ Curry and Vrabel and we are goin 3-4.
DenverDummy: Sure. Ur D is probably on the verge of greatness. Maybe even the 85 Bears. Wow. So good you won two of the last 50 games or something retarded like that. Jay Cutler Rules.
CraneDamage: At least we don’t have a QB that a Snickers can take down.
Addicts — post some of your own Denver smack!