King Carl's Death Throes Of A Monarchy
The frozen fans at Arrowhead were treated to a great game Sunday, a classic Herm Edwards lose from ahead loss, and King Carl being his usual control freak self–silencing his critics and whitewashing his sleazeball image one final time.
I really wanted to get this debacle of a season off my chest. Once inside I yelled Fire Herm a few random times, but other than that, it was too cold for screaming and carrying on. I was on TV very early in the broadcast, I was holding up a sign that said “COLD But It’s Sunday” with the CBS going down vertically to get the attention of the cameraman. It worked, as I got text messages from all over the state saying they saw me! It made all the hard work of getting that sign together worth it. It had red and green strips of paper around the outside edge in a Christmasy theme- everything was right in the world. Still to come would be a run-in with Darth Vader Peterson himself, but let me get back to that.
The back of my sign had nothing on it before the game, so after a few shots and some chili to warm up in the tent we were shuddering in, I decided to write “Nice 5 Year Plan Carl” really quickly with a Sharpie in about 7 inch letters. I also had on a toilet seat with Christmas lights that had FIRE HERM written on it, but I had that under a layer in case someone at the gate freaked out on me.
My seats were right behind the Chiefs bench. I was decked out in my LJ Jersey over my coat, with my new Chiefs helmet stocking cap which proved to be quite sufficient in single digit temperatures.
After I was sure I was on TV, I didn’t hold the CBS sign up much anymore. However, one time during a break I did pick it up and wave it around. I turned in my seat and asked the guys behind me where Carl was in the suites so I could show him. They all turned around in their seats and started pointing to Carl. Now there are like 20 people pointing up at Carl’s suite. Carl sees us and stands up in his suite and points at ME. I point at the sign- he points at my sign, I beat my chest like a war gorilla a few times and everyone laughed that Carl was getting the message. He gave us the “fake” thumbs up like Commodus from Gladiator. Nothing dirty or immature, from us- just a little ribbing and it appeared that Carl could take it.
Boy was I wrong.
About 5 minutes after Carl and I’s stare down, one of his goons – some angry white rotarian – came and took my innocent sign away. I didn’t even realize what was going on at first. He was in a blue coat and growls, “I have to take that sign.” I said “Why?!?” He goes, (and this is classic) “You know why!”. Booooo! Everyone boos the guy and he takes off up the stairs with my sign. He pretty much grabbed it before I could even say boo. I was a little depressed after that, I felt wronged, cheated and squashed; like the proletariat victim of some dictator controlling his state media. I was in shock that the sign was taken. I couldn’t get over it for a while. If it had said F _ _ _ Carl then yeah, sure take it. But just because it had Carl’s name on it, it was gone. I also noticed a big bed sheet that was hanging from the ring of honor that said Goodbye Carl or something was gone too. I then gave in and thought, to hell with it, if King Carl wants to protect Carl so bad then so be it. He’s gone anyway. Take your slimeball leather coats and your hair mousse with you Carl. You’re a douche. I’ve always been respectful and civil with my criticism of you Carl, but after your ridiculous attempts to clean your image in that game, I’m done with civility. After 20 years of going to games and lining your wallet, I should be allowed to hold up a sign with your name on the back that was written as an afterthought. Chiefs fans deserve a little protest time after the past few seasons. Your image has already been signed sealed and delivered King Carl, taking a few fans signs isn’t going to fix it now.
I went up to the concourse at halftime and filed a verbal “grievance” with customer relations which consisted of two women freezing in a booth. I told them the above incident, and they asked if I was misbehaving because that seemed like an innocent sign. I told them it had to be Carl’s bidding, and they asked how I would feel if someone was holding signs up about me.
"I laughed through the little voice porthole and told them “Carl has about $70 million reasons not to care about my sign.”"
Obviously the T.O. PR rep reference was lost on them, but the point wasn’t. One of them said “Well, I’ve never thought about it that way.” The other had to have the joke explained so I told her $70mil is approximately what Carl has made here in 20 years. My uncle was at the game and told me he found some security guys and asked them about my sign, they said they had heard about it and told him that there were a lot of seized Carl signs and to forget it, because it was gone for good.
My buddy and I went up to the concourse at half talking about how crazy it was “they” came and took our sign, we continued wandering for a while, and even stopped a few cops to ask about the legality of staff taking our property. I was told they couldn’t really take my FIRE HERM toilet seat, although it could be used as a weapon. I told the cop that bludgeoning someone with a toilet seat would be the most pathetic crime that ever happened at Arrowhead and was told a chilling “You’d be surprised”. Wondering what that was all about, my friend and I headed back to our seats.
At this point I was just standing there, watching, with my FIRE HERM toilet seat prominently hung from my neck when we had a chat with D-Bowe in the third quarter.
I yelled “C’mon Mr. Awesome! Make something happen D-Bowe!” He looks up and read my FIRE HERM sign, then he motioned for me to turn it around, I said “No way Herm stinks!”, he motioned for me to turn it around again and said “Trust Me, Trust Me,” a bunch of times hitting his chest. So to be a good sport I turned the sign around and was wearing a blank toilet seat around my neck for a while. Apparently at some point the sign got turned back around and I didn’t see it, but D-Bowe did and my seatmate told me D-Bowe saw my sign with FIRE HERM facing out again and he shook his head at me in disappointment. Sorry D-Bowe.
The 4th quarter was about half over with, and we are getting ready to leave, when another one of Carl’s goons came for my toilet seat. This time I fought back. I told the person (who happened to be a black woman) I wasn’t giving up my property, and they are going to have to get some back up if they want my toilet seat! lol I then asked her to tell me what was wrong with my sign. She couldn’t even make up a reason, “You -you just…can’t.” A few other people chimed in and started raising some hell at these Nazi techniques and pretty soon everyone in the whole section was hollering at Carl’s second goon. Looking back on it, it must have been funny to see a short black woman trying to wrestle a toilet seat from 6’3″ me. Actually, she reached for the seat, and an angry fan behind me reached down and gently smacked her hand like a grandmother smacking an 8 year old’s hand for trying to stick his finger in the icing of a cake. She goes “Ooooh, you done it now! You touched me! I will be right back with security!” Not wanting to deal with any of that nonsense, I told my buddy “We’re outta here, Dante Hall it to the other stairs and let’s go!” We took off with 3 minutes to go in the game and had to watch Herm blow another lead from the concourse. I couldn’t help but chuckle while Harm pulls dirt onto himself from inside his own grave.
How surreal it was to get jacked by one of Carl’s henchmen, attempted jacked by another – D-Bowe telling me Harm is good, and Carl flexing his muscle in the last home game by trying to protect his image. The only reason I showed up to that frozen debacle Sunday was to show my appreciation for getting rid of King Carl, voice my support for firing Harm and to earn my Arrowhead. Despite not agreeing with the way we’ve handled this “rebuild” I am and will always be a Chiefs fan, despite the powers that be and have been. Go Chiefs.