I would rather eat this bucket of dirt than draft Brian Bulaga #5 overall.

Listen Draft-o-sphere, I’ve tried being nice. My co-bloggers have tried much harder than I have. But you are really ticking me off. You insist that my Kansas City Chiefs, a team almost completely lacking in playmakers and elite skill players, would rather spend their #5 overall on a solution so conservative it would raise Woody Hayes from the grave than pick up any player that might actually do something exciting on the football field.

You’ve pounded me all offseason with the notion that Pioli wants to pick up offensive tackle this offseason. Marginally improving one position on the offensive line in order to… improve a second position on the offensive line? You might as well be preparing a noose over my big board. You might as well start a bonfire in front of the Arrowhead Stadium ticket stand. You might as well bring back Carl Peterson in order to fully achieve the drafting futility that you want the Chiefs to embrace.

Now, to a certain extent, I could wrap my head around the notion with Russell Okung, stud tackle from Oklahoma State, who you all have mocked to the Chiefs for most of the offseason. We do have a struggling franchise quarterback that could use better protection. Okung’s the most physically superior offensive line specimen in the entire Draft. He’s prototypical. He still has upside! Yes it would be a pick that would madden me, upset me, and dishearten me, especially as stud safety Eric Berry is gobbled up by the Seahawks with the very next pick. But it is a combination of player and position that would as least remain logical. And in GM Scott Pioli’s eyes, preferable.

So I thought I was bailed out when the Lions beefed up their defensive line so much that it now seems likely that they will pick up Okung with the #2 overall, leaving the Chiefs at #5 with no serious offensive line prospects, and with Berry, the most exciting safety to come out of the NFL Draft in years, the next Ed Reed, and by all means an A+ Grade player staring us straight in the eyes. So with all this logic in hand, what does the Draft-o-sphere mock to the Chiefs?

Tackle. Still.

So it’d have to be OT Bruce Campbell of Maryland, right? The guy is a pure left tackle, with superfreak measurables, running a 40-yard dash that outpaced ILB Rolando McClain! He’s no sure thing, but the upside is there for him to be something truly special. It’s gotta be him!

Nope.

Brian frickin’ Bulaga? Of Iowa? You’ve GOT to be kidding me. I thought this was just a fad until more and more people have started doing it. Now it’s a theme.

The connection, I’m told, is so there. Iowa’s head coach Kirk Ferentz has a Pioli connection that will surely elevate his opinion of Bulaga — a prospect that is most often mocked like Tyson Jackson was last year: in the early teens.

Well you know what else is so there, you uncreative, needs-obsessed echo chamber? Bulaga’s short, Robert Gallery arms. His iffy lateral movement. His incompetence in space. And the fact that he has zero upside — he is as good right now as he’ll  be his entire career in the NFL.

I obviously don’t know Bulaga personally, and he apparently is a stand-up character who his teammates love. Don’t confuse my hatred of this potential selection as a slander on Brian Bulaga, The Man. But the guy is a right tackle at the next level.

I’ll caps lock and bold that, so even Peter King can hear me: BRIAN BULAGA IS A RIGHT TACKLE IN THE NFL, NOT A LEFT TACKLE.

And that makes the idea that he is somehow worth the #5 overall because “Pioli knows a guy” is nothing short of insane.