Well, Chiefs fans, today is Valentine’s Day, and that means only one thing: margaritas.

However, while it might be our tradition to spend every Valentine’s Night at a Mexican restaurant (the tacky-red-paper-hearts-per-person quotient is much lower), I realize everyone approaches this fake holiday in his or her own special way. Even back in third grade—which, frankly, is where the celebration of this day should begin and end—when societal norms and, more specifically, Mrs. Brockmeyer demanded that we give paper valentines to everyone in class, we had to decide which valentines best represented us, as well as which of our secret crushes would receive the more risqué—and risky—messages.*

*Was “You rock, Valentine!” coming on way too strong?

Just as a set of perforated Transformers valentines (“Let’s roll, Valentine! You’re a Mega Friend!”) perfectly represented who I was back in 1984, today’s Kansas City Chiefs fans need valentines that speak to us, that capture the angst and occasional joy of this tumultuous relationship in which we’ve entangled ourselves. And among all the boxes of Harry Potter, Shrek, and Smurfs valentines at the local CVS, I couldn’t find any. So—you can guess what’s coming next—I had no choice but to make a few of my own.

Feel free to print, perforate, and share as you wish. Perhaps—just like the Indianapolis Colts on draft day—you’ll get lucky.

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So, that happened. Another NFL season (and postseason) has come and gone. Forgive my lack of enthusiasm as I watched the New York Giants win the Super Bowl for the fourth time in my lifetime, and the New England Patriots lose it for the fourth time (to go along with their three championships). In fact, in the 38 Super Bowls I have lived through (not that I really remember Super Bowls IX through, oh, XV or XVI), 27 different teams have participated. Not one of them has been the Kansas City Chiefs—their Super Bowl appearances live in other people’s memories.

But the good news, of course, is that as soon as Tom Brady’s last “Hail Myra” pass landed incomplete in the end zone and Super Bowl XLVI officially came to an end, the Chiefs were immediately back in contention. All eyes, and odds, are now focused on 2012-13, and the earliest probabilities are already in. The MGM Grand Las Vegas and at least one leading gaming site have opened betting season with the Chiefs as 50-1 shots to win Super Bowl XLVII, which is as good or better than 13 other teams. Not quite as favorable as the 40-1 odds they were given a year ago, but much better than the one-in-100 chance set before the Chiefs’ 2010 AFC West Championship season.

In other words, the odds-makers don’t really know what they’re doing, at least at this stage—out of last year’s top five preseason favorites, three didn’t even make the playoffs. But for fans, it’s amusing to see just how favorably (or not) our team’s prospects are marked in the books of various distinguished sports-betting establishments, and ask ourselves, “What if…?”

Last year at this time, I made a list of the XLVI reasons the Chiefs could win it all. A number of those “reasons” are now no longer with the team or else tore up their knees within the first few weeks of the season. So I’ve learned my lesson—and I’m not about to try to come up with XLVII reasons now. After all, so many things can happen: the most important players can get hurt, the coach can go crazy, the GM can go crazier…I mean, what are the odds?

Ah. Good question. Why don’t we find out?

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“Winning isn’t everything—it’s the only thing.”

This legendary sports quote is most often attributed to legendary coach Vince Lombardi,* but rarely is it reprinted in its entirety: “Winning isn’t everything—it’s the only thing I love more than picking up candy wrappers.”

*Speaking of Green Bay, I didn’t get to see much of the games this past weekend, but I’m looking forward to Sunday. What time is Saints-Packers?

In the history of sports and coaching—particularly the rarified domain of big-time professional sports ownership and leadership—there have always been idiosyncratic personalities. That’s not news, and it’s one of the reasons why Kansas City Star reporter Kent Babb’s examination of “Arrowhead Anxiety” was as credible in its concept as it was dreadful in some of its details.

The sidebar—“Gold, greed lead to murder”—is actually unrelated.

Babb’s story was a solid piece of reporting, based on weeks of investigation and reflection and more than 30 interviews (as it should be—I wish I hadn’t been so pleasantly surprised by its thoroughness). For that alone, it deserved to be on the front page. As to whether it deserved to be the front page—for anyone who hasn’t seen the hard copy, Babb’s story (and its accompanying, menacing graphic) occupy about 80 percent of the broadsheet (right)—or to be the only sports story discussed in Kansas City and to make its way to many other markets, I have mixed feelings.

Actually, not mixed at all—I hate that we’re talking about this, because even though football is the undercurrent and the reason we care, actual football-on-the-field is removed from this discussion. I understand it’s interesting that Chiefs executives may seem more preoccupied with the surreptitious routes their employees take to lunch (so as not to be seen fraternizing with one another) than they are with Dwayne Bowe’s pass routes,* but does that mean we should be? Can’t we all just get back to relishing the end of Tebow Time?**

*I stole that clever route comparison from Nick Wright, who spent about four hours—three-and-a-half hours too many—discussing this on his show yesterday.

**And its return next fall, which, I feel, will ultimately be a good thing for the Chiefs (and all of the Denver Broncos’ opponents).

Yes, I’m writing about it right now, and no, I don’t think I’m hypocritical for doing so. Not wanting to talk about something and believing it can’t be ignored are two different things. I’m adding to the hubbub,* but I hope that by talking it out now, we will all see this story fade away sooner.

*Couldn’t decide whether to go with “hubbub” or “hullabaloo.” Hullabaloo? Yeah, I should have used hullabaloo.

Because I don’t have much at all to add—it’s hard to imagine how anyone could—to the comprehensive scrutiny laid down by Big Matt and Lyle yesterday. I appreciate the points made all around. I agree with most of Matt’s observations and roughly 100 percent of Lyle’s conclusions (and in the comments, it sounds like Matt agrees more than disagrees, too). So before I leave it at that, I will share just a couple of my own, none-too-profound reactions to the article and its allegations…

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“I want [my players] to be strong, I want them to be tough, I want them to be physical, I want them to be aggressive, I want them to be tenacious….did I forget anything? Smart? Yes, that should’ve been at the forefront.”

—Romeo Crennel, upon accepting the job as head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs
January 9, 2012

Yep, the Kansas City Chiefs and Romeo Crennel made it official. This interim is over, and yesterday they got together to let the world know: They are in love. For now, at least. Even when you’ve started out as friends, any serious relationship takes work—What’s the give and take? How do we want to raise our family? Who will be our starting quarterback?—and this partnership might take more work than most.

The Chiefs, of course, are at a crucial juncture. Some think one small tweak* could lead them to the Super Bowl. But the possibilities are downright Shakespearean. Will we see tragedy, as we did for too many recent years, or comedy—you know, the good Shakespearean kind that always has a happy ending but for some reason isn’t really funny at all? Or just another comedy of errors?

*Peyton Manning?

Crennel has said all the right things publicly—he is here to win a championship and thinks it can happen and soon—but what is he really thinking?

At times when I feel like I don’t have nearly as much as others to add to this ongoing Chiefs conversation in terms of facts, figures, and analysis (these times include the off-season, the pre-season, the post-season, and, occasionally, the regular season), I opt to have some fun and squeeze my ramblings into rhyme or rap or greeting cards or even Mad Libs.

So here we go: In tribute to Romeo Crennel’s namesake* and with apologies to Bill Shakespeare (or whoever really wrote Romeo & Juliet and those other plays that bear his name) and to all of you, I offer our fair Romeo’s first inner monologue as Chiefs head coach—yes, in iambic pentameter (except, you know, when it’s not)…

*Seriously, Crennel is named after Shakespeare’s Romeo. He even has a sister named Juliet.

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It was a painful Christmas weekend for the Chiefs and their fans. Hope was high when the day began and even later, the best outcome seemed highly possible: everything was falling into place—if only Kansas City could pull out a win at home. But a failed field-goal attempt at the end of regulation meant overtime and ultimately, one big play and a relatively short field goal—and the Chiefs were officially out of the playoffs.

Hard to believe it was 40 years ago.

Wait. What? Which game were you watching?

Yes, one day after the Raiders defeated the Chiefs in overtime, for their fifth straight win at Arrowhead*, I found myself masochistically sitting through another heartbreaking Chiefs loss in overtime. Double overtime.

*The last time that had happened at Arrowhead? It hadn’t.

I’ve written before about my joy in reliving past Chiefs glory that I was not living to enjoy in the first place. On Sunday, I almost too eagerly took the chance to experience some of the pain I wasn’t yet born* to appreciate, either: The NFL Network had cobbled together some never-before-rebroadcast archival footage for an hour-long special commemorating “The Longest Game Ever,” Kansas City’s 1971 division playoff against the Miami Dolphins, which was—spoiler alert!—the longest game ever, lasting well into its second overtime before—double spoiler alert—Kansas City succumbed 27-24 on a Garo Yepremian field goal.

*Though, as I indirectly explained to my daughter, the game plays a role in my being born:

[There is] a story I like to repeat, though I most definitely was not there: On December 25, 1971, [your grandmother] was watching the historic Chiefs-Dolphins divisional playoff, which I’m sure you know is still the longest game in NFL history (that’s why it’s historic!). When the game went into a second overtime, she had to choose whether or not to leave to go on a scheduled date with your grandfather. She went. This started a process—one that, I hope, your own mother will be the one to explain to you in several years—that eventually resulted in me.

In fact, when my father came to pick up my mom, it was the first time he had ever met his future in-laws, who were visiting—and at that moment glued to the TV. They would claim, jokingly—though we were never sure how much so—that they couldn’t remember meeting him that day.

Though it is part of my own family’s lore, I had never known all the little details and dramas of that day—an unseasonably 63-degree Christmas Day, which was seen as an ominous sign against a team from south Florida. The players were somewhat bummed to be playing on Christmas, an NFL first, though Len Dawson reminds viewers that many were just happy to be playing for an extra paycheck in an era when football salaries didn’t always make ends meet (Bobby Bell was working full time for General Motors—being an all-Pro linebacker for the Chiefs was merely his second job).

In the end, it would come down to the kickers. Miami’s Garo Yepremian, who looks not unlike Wallace Shawn as Vizzini in The Princess Bride, was “the smallest man in professional football,” and had spent the previous two years selling his own line of neckties. Jan Stenerud, meanwhile, was “not just a kicker, but also an athlete”—no offense, kickers—who revolutionized the position as the first dominant soccer-style kicker,* and is still the only “pure kicker” voted into the Pro-Football Hall of Fame. In fact, this game featured 15 future Hall-of-Famers (12 on the field, both head coaches, and one beloved owner). Statistically, though, the game belonged to the unlikely Ed Podolak, whose 350 all-purpose yards set an NFL playoff record that still stands.

*Have you seen the straight-ahead style kickers used to use? It’s amazing they ever made a field goal from more than 10 yards away.

However, the game would be most remembered for how the foremost kicker in the league turned into the Lin Elliot of his day, if only for one day. Stenerud missed two field goals, including a potential game-winner near the end of regulation, and had another attempt blocked in overtime. Yepremian also missed, but not twice. Eighty-two minutes and 40 seconds after the game began (according to the game clock), the short, bald former tie-maker unmade this tie with a 37-yard field goal, and the favored Chiefs were out. Inconceivable!

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I would like to open today’s post with a brief statement. This will just take a moment…

I TOLD YOU SO.

Sure, I’m not usually the type of person to say, “I told you so,” precisely because when I make a rare prediction, it usually turns out not to be so. But six weeks ago today, I posted the following:

The Kansas City Chiefs will beat the Green Bay Packers.

That’s right. You read it here first…

The Chiefs will beat the Packers. How do I know this? The same way I am able to evaluate every other question raised during this up-and-down Chiefs season: I have no idea. But they will. And the Packers may very well be 13-0 by the time they visit Arrowhead on December 18… They may even be resting some starters. In any event, I don’t expect the Chiefs will be playing the spoiler in terms of Green Bay’s cruise back to the playoffs. But at least [the Packers] will leave here feeling rotten.

Perhaps you infer from my giddiness that I did not have the most confidence in my own prediction. Like I said, I don’t often get these things right. Clearly, the Kyle Orton Era in Kansas City has indeed lasted more than one minute, and now the discussion is whether it should and/or will last more than one season.

I won’t say I expected Sunday’s shocker, but I felt it was really possible, a gut feeling loosely supported by historical data. I had been thinking back to the Chiefs’ triumph over the then-reigning-champion Pittsburgh Steelers in 2009—a year in which KC only won three other games—which led me to do a little research. I found that, since 1979, the Chiefs had been 6-2 (now 7-2) at home against defending Super Bowl champs. So there.

But I certainly didn’t predict that by the time this game arrived the Chiefs would have lost their starting quarterback and then ditched their head coach—the two major developments that made the difference in this upset. This changes everything. Or, rather, everything has changed. From the first drive forward on Sunday, this felt like a new team (with the same, but improved defense).

I’ll let others continue the discussion about what these new circumstances on the sidelines and behind center might mean for the Chiefs into 2012 and beyond. For now, I just care about next week and the week after that. That’s right. I’m feeling overly optimistic again.*

*It’s sorta, like, my thing.

So I will double down and offer one more “bold” prediction: The Chiefs will win the AFC West.

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Now that recent Kansas City Chiefs Head Coach Todd Haley has been “relieved of his duties” (and, presumably, his salary), it’s time to dust off that resume. This is a tough time to be looking for employment, and prospects are especially grim for a man whose primary job skills are his ability and tendency to yell at quarterbacks and NFL officials (honestly, the only place an NFL coach can get hired right now is Coors Light). Fortunately, it seems that Haley has already been busy revising the top part of his resume to reflect his hard-earned experience as a member of the Chiefs organization. Let’s take a look!

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Many plots unfolded during Sunday’s game between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Chicago Bears at Soldier Field—some comic, some tragic, and it’s not necessarily easy to tell which is which. The Chiefs broke their four-game losing streak and their string of approximately 417* consecutive offensive drives without a touchdown. Quarterback Tyler Palko got his first touchdown pass and his first win as an NFL starter, which officially makes him better than Brodie Croyle. Kansas City kept its slim playoff hopes alive. Todd Haley continued to dress like a middle-school gym teacher.

*Approximately.

And, for anyone who missed it (and if you looked away for even a moment, you might have), recently acquired quarterback Kyle Orton came in for the first play of the second quarter, his first play as a Kansas City Chief, which also turned out to be his last play—of the game, perhaps of the season, and therefore, since he is only signed for the rest of the year, possibly of his entire Chiefs career. Orton had been plucked off of waivers several days earlier to fill in for quarterback Matt Cassel, who is sidelined with a hand injury. So what does Orton do? He gets sidelined with a hand injury. See? Tragic and comic.

Orton may very well return in the weeks to come—he has recovered from just this type of dislocated-finger injury before—but some observers are speculating that the Chiefs may have just paid $2.5 million for one incomplete pass, making that flea flicker “quite possibly the most expensive single play in franchise history.”

And in case this is indeed the end, the only chance Chiefs fans and Kyle Orton will have to know each other, let’s not forget this time we’ve had together. True, we’ve had our ups and downs—or rather, Orton was up, and then he went down. But respect must be paid.

And I really must learn to use iMovie. Don’t worry…the following video is only twice as long as Orton’s total playing time for the Chiefs. So let us pause for just a moment or two (all we’ll need) to relive the Kyle Orton Era in Kansas City…

Note: This post was written immediately following the Chiefs’ 34-3 dismantling by the Patriots on Monday Night Football. But let’s be honest, it could have been written hours earlier.

So, for starters, let’s look at some positives, or at least some not-totally-negatives-in-the-context-of-the-really-big-picture: Last night was not the Chiefs’ worst performance in the history of Monday Night Football. That, of course, was the infamous Monday Night Meltdown at Arrowhead Stadium in 1998, when the Chiefs lost it (the game and their composure) against the Denver Broncos and got flagged for a record 14 personal fouls (or at least that’s how I remember it).

And watching Tyler Palko—besides bringing back stirring memories of the preseason—was not the worst experience I’ve had watching a Chiefs quarterback. That, of course, came during my first-ever game at Arrowhead in the early ‘80s, at which I had the chance to witness Todd Blackledge throw a record 14 interceptions (or at least that’s how I remember it).*

*Yes, I’ve referenced this a time or two before here. I should ask my dad if he can remember the exact date of that game so I can track down the stats; it may indeed have been 14 interceptions.

But—despite the fact that Steve Young would later refer to them as “the Washington Generals”*—the Chiefs did not completely embarrass themselves last night. Before you object, please note my use of the modifier “completely” (come on, I even italicized it). For 20-some minutes, the defense made us proud, and the offense was at least putting itself in a position to make costly mistakes.

*At first, I thought he had said “Washington Sentinels,” making the kind of Palko/Falco reference that only the most brilliant commentators can come up with. But, no, it was just some lame Tom-Brady-and-the-Patriots-are-the-Harlem-Globetrotters joke.

Look, it’s hard to say that the Chiefs, despite allowing more than twice the two- touchdown spread, really failed to meet expectations. There wasn’t a single person, on this staff or on this planet, who thought K.C. had a fighting chance.*

*Or even much of a chance of fighting, like in ’98.

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“I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be our style.”

—Shane Falco, The Replacements (2000)

Yes, it’s hard to know what to say right now. It’s been hard to know what to say about these Kansas City Chiefs pretty much since this season or even the preseason started. Last week, we saw the team’s four-game winning streak come to an end and now, apparently, the streak of games-without-season-ending-injuries-to-marquee-players has been halted at six. Of course, it is easy to say how bummed* we all feel on a personal level for quarterback Matt Cassel, who likely will be unable to play football or jazz piano or do needlepoint for the rest of 2011. But how we feel about the prospects of this team with his replacement, Tyler Falco Palko, is harder to articulate.

*”I feel rather bummed for Matt Cassel, on a personal level.” Okay, now you go.

Palko will be making his first NFL start, and it’s a doozy: on Monday Night Football against the New England Patriots. No one is really sure what to expect, not even Palko’s own high-school coach, who also happens to be his father: “What are you going to do? I just hope I don’t lose my dinner,” Bob Palko told the Pittsburgh Tribue-Review, when asked about watching his son lead the charge into Foxborough.

So a big part of the storyline—”Cassel Returns to New England”—that likely helped land the Chiefs on national TV for this game in the first place is now gone, but it is being replaced with an equally compelling narrative: The Chance.

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Apparently, the Chiefs don’t do so well against AFC East opponents at home in 2011. That is one thing we did learn this weekend. Not only did the winless Miami Dolphins’ streak of, you know, being winless come to an emphatic end with a 31-3 exorcism at Arrowhead, but a couple of other streaks fizzled out on Sunday, too, starting with K.C.’s own recent undefeated stretch. So it looks like there will be no unprecedented 13-3 season after an 0-3 start, no 16-game run to a Super Bowl title. Oh well.

Perhaps, too, this marks the conclusion of Head Coach Todd Haley’s days as a bedraggled, unwashed sideline hobo. “I want to take my hat off to Miami,” he said after the game, effectively announcing an end to the streak in which he has worn the same streaked cap since the autumnal equinox.

But what’s weird, or not so weird, is that—other than dropping the Chiefs back to 4-4 for the first half of the season (and, hey, who saw even that as a strong possibility back in mid-September?)—the unfortunate events of November 6, 2011, tell us almost nothing about what is coming next for this team in the second half of the season.

Will these Chiefs beat the Denver Broncos at home this Sunday? I have no idea. Probably? Maybe not?

Will these Chiefs win the AFC West? I have no idea. Maybe? Probably not? It is possible. Of course it’s possible. They are currently in a three-way tie for first, and as rough as their second half looks, the road facing each of their divisional compatriots looks just as tough. This team could still end up 6-10 or 8-8 or even 9-7, but which nine? Which seven?

So, at the midway point, I might as well make one semi-bold prediction:

The Kansas City Chiefs will beat the Green Bay Packers.

That’s right. You read it here first. Unless, of course, you’d already read it somewhere else, and that’s okay, too.

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Monday nights are usually when I sit down, reflect on what the Kansas City Chiefs did or didn’t do over the weekend just past, and pull something out of my ass together for my Tuesday post. But on this particular Monday night, it so happens I was a bit distracted by something rather compelling that I was watching on television. I only had time to jot down some observations during breaks in the action as it unfolded. So consider these my Quick Slants. Some of them are even football-related…

• Hey, nice graveyard rendition of Danse Macabre by the Philharmonia of Greater Kansas City during the MNF intro (my friend Kristin was the Zombie bassist on the left).
• Not a big fan of all those not-so-terrible white towels. The idea was lame enough at Busch Stadium during the World Series and it’s no more impressive at Arrowhead. What? Is everyone surrendering? Or just waving their tighty-whities in the air? Hard to tell.
• Is that a five-inch Herm Edwards screaming at a couple of clueless tools to “ice down those Coors Lights, baby?” Finally—a coaching job worthy of Herm’s stature.
• Lamest Halloween costume seen in the crowd: Zach Galifianakis’s “Alan” with beard, sunglasses, and strap-on baby (with sunglasses) from The Hangover. Soooo 2009. (And there’s no good reason to remind Chiefs fans of 2009.)
• Did I hear that right about Chiefs center Casey Wiegmann? 10,502 snaps in a row? I wonder if that statistic about a routine, seemingly mundane element of the game will take on more significance later…
• Newest addition to Todd Haley’s nasty-as-he-wants-to-be ensemble: Navy undershirt with some kind of emblem that resembles either a grease stain or maybe a patch of sweat.

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“This, then, is the mark of the man, the beard. By this, he is seen to be a man. It is older than Eve. It is the token of the superior nature… It is therefore unholy to desecrate the symbol of manhood, hairiness.”

— St. Clement of Alexandria, circa 180

After the Kansas City Chiefs came back from 17 down to notch their first-ever win in Indianapolis two weeks ago, Head Coach Todd Haley declared to the world (or, at least, to a glaringly lit room full of sports reporters) that he would ne’er desecrate his symbol of manhood so long as his team continued to reap victories on the football field. “As long as we’re winnin’, I’m not shavin’,” he said of his decision, supposedly made during the game in San Diego.

I’ll be honest—I didn’t really believe Haley at the time; it seemed like this could be another one of his, you know, jokes.* But when he emerged before Sunday’s game against the Raiders, it was clear: the man ain’t shavin’. Nor, it would appear, is he bathing, at least not effectively, or changing or washing his nasty off-red cap and hooded velvet man-blouse, which over the last few weeks has turned from a dark gray to a splotchy black.

*Like the one time two times he put Jamaal Charles behind Thomas Jones on the depth chart. That was hilarious!

But the accoutrements of genius will always look like signs of madness to the unqualified eye, just as credit and blame are often a function of who’s doing the assigning. In the last several days, some of Haley’s decisions over the past couple of years—such as who to bench, and when—have inspired a few rounds of the passionate, highly confrontational, and only vaguely mean-spirited debate that the devotees of this site can take pride in. But aside from the effect of Haley’s direct interventions in the playing time of LJ, DJ, and JC, for example, let’s look at the coach’s repertoire of general-purpose motivational devices:

• Dividing the season into “manageable” quarters
• Liberal use of obscenities
• Yelling at players
• Starting sideline fights with quarterback, receivers, and/or others as needed
• Turning routine post-game handshakes into newsworthy morsels for the media
• Introducing bean-bag games—the kind normally played by senior citizens or drunken tailgaters*—into the locker room

And now…

• Not shaving, bathing, or doing laundry

*Or drunken senior citizens, who may or may not be tailgating

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As any respectable quantum astrophysicist will tell you, a black hole is an object with sufficient density that the force of gravity prevents anything from drifting beyond it; its defining feature is the appearance of an event horizon—a boundary in space-time through which matter and light can only pass inward towards the mass of the black hole. Nothing, not even light, can escape. (I, of course, did not learn this from any quantum astrophysicist. I cut-and-pasted it from Wikipedia.)

The Black Hole also happens to be the first movie I can remember that both enthralled and terrified me (according to Wikipedia, it came out in theaters when I was only five years old*). I have no recollection whatsoever as to what the movie was about,** but I remember being very frightened by the violent, faceless drones and morbidly fascinated by the concept that there was a place somewhere out there that could swallow everything that got near it. It gave me nightmares. I still can’t believe that this was a Disney movie.***

*Not that Wikipedia necessarily knows how old I am or when I was born…though, yeah, probably.

**If you have three minutes and twenty-nine seconds to kill, watch this trailer and tell me if you have any clue in hell as to what this movie is about either.

***Though come to think of it, two other traumatic moments of my early childhood involved seeing Bambi’s mother get shot and watching Dumbo get taunted mercilessly because he was different. WTF, Disney?

I mention all this because a black hole—and you probably realize that I am now referring to that Black Hole—is precisely what this Chiefs team and its fans need right now: an inescapable force to pull us in and push us forward into a situation both fascinating and infuriating (like this guy).

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I’m not much of an NBA fan*, so upon hearing the latest news of that league’s lockout—Commissioner David Stern has cancelled the first two weeks of the NBA season—all I could think was this: Ah, if only those first two weeks of the NFL season had never happened! The Chiefs would now be 2-1, the only blemish a loss at San Diego (expected) by the score of 20-17 (quite closer than expected). The team would still have a healthy Eric Berry and Jamaal Charles (assuming they wouldn’t have been injured in Weeks Three, Four, or Five). And Todd Haley would probably not be desperate enough to pledge to go unshaven (and to continue wearing velour hoodies and dirty sweat pants) so long as the Chiefs keep winning.

*I don’t know—watching monster-sized millionaires smash into each other on a football field doesn’t seem nearly as ridiculous as watching full-grown multi-millionaires scurry around in shorts on a squeaky court.

It’s so hard to analyze this team right now. The Chiefs seem both better and worse than their 2-3 record. Over the course of five weeks, they have laid down and died, and then fought back when it made no sense for them to have any fight left. And hindsight, as it does, has changed the context, too. While there’s no excuse for the embarrassments of the first two weeks, the two L’s on the schedule—against the only team New England hasn’t been able to beat this year and a team no one has been able to beat—aren’t looking as bad. The two wins, meanwhile, came against teams that were winless at the time, but both were real victories, requiring comebacks and last stands.

So the team may not be hopeless, but still doesn’t inspire much hope. Plus, even the “Suck for Luck” dream is dead, as the Chiefs are now in line behind or alongside 10 other teams—including the Eagles and Falcons!—for that first draft pick. As Lyle put it plainly in his post yesterday, “the odds of the Chiefs getting the #1 overall pick are about as likely as the Chiefs winning the division at this point.” And that, frankly, is depressing. This team seems destined for mediocrity of the mediocre kind: Four wins? Five wins? Maybe six? The Chiefs still don’t have an identity and it’s hard to imagine exactly what identity will emerge. I can see this team losing to Denver and then beating the Patriots or Packers. I really can.

So…it’s probably just as well that we are heading into the bye week, that curious once-a-year (per team) phenomenon that the NFL introduced in 1990 (according to Wikipedia), in order to extend the season by a week and “provide time for teams to rest” (according to nflbyeweek.com*). Perhaps we should all take a rest, too, some time to clear our heads and clear the slate.

*Yes, that’s real: there is an entire web site—one page—dedicated solely to a listing of NFL teams’ byes by week. It is brought to you by the same people who created whatdayoftheweekisitwhereyoulive.org and clickheretoseeawebpage.net.

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For the past two days, much has been made* of the second-quarter sideline exchange/argument/tiff/spat/discussion/hissy/fight between the Kansas City Chiefs’ once-Pro-Bowl quarterback and their once-Coach-of-the-Year runner-up. With about five minutes left in the half and the Chiefs trailing the also-winless Minnesota Vikings 7-3, Matt Cassel appeared to quickly bail out on a broken screen play. And Todd Haley appeared nonplussed about it, a sentiment he then appeared to share with his quarterback as the TV cameras zoomed in.

*When has this not been the case? We spend all day, every day, thinking, talking, and writing about what happens during three hours of game action once a week. Making much is what we do.

This fifteen seconds of infamy has been posted, reposted, played, and replayed dozens of times on the blogosphere since Sunday, without any real revelation as to what exactly took place.* All that we know—or so we’ve been told by others who are also making much of this—is that it seems like Cassel and the Chiefs were different, much more fired-up, after this one outburst of emotion. And they put together enough of a second-half effort to get their first win in 2011 (the year, not just the season).

*However, this clip does reveal a couple of interesting developments on the fashion front: First, Cassel manages to get his sideline hat onto his head properly in one single, swift motion. Considering recent history, a good sign! Also, after swinging way too far towards the lying-around-the-house-in-the-wife’s-old-sweatshirt-on-laundry-day look two weeks ago and rebounding hard with a comfortable-yet-commanding dark fleece in San Diego, Haley seems to be splitting the difference now, with a gray-sweatsuit-and-dingy-old-hat ensemble that looks more like what you might wear working in the yard while listening to the game. We may need to start a Haley Style Watch to keep him in line.     

Cassel himself would later thank his coach for the “open dialogue.” But what was really said? It’s not very easy to read lips, but here are a couple possible snippets…

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There was a moment during Sunday’s game in San Diego—well, there were several, but this one in particular will make the point—when nothing else about the Kansas City Chiefs’ woeful 2011 season mattered: With a minute-and-a-half left, the Chiefs had just tightened the score to 20-17, and the Chargers—having just failed to convert a third-and-eight—decided to go for it on fourth-and-inches, on what they hoped would be the last meaningful play of the game. But San Diego and Philip Rivers forgot the whole “sneaky” part essential to a successful quarterback sneak. The Chiefs saw it coming from a mile (actually, inches) away, and even an overly generous spot and the fickle imprecision of an official chain measurement couldn’t deny them a huge stop.

The Chiefs, only down by three, now had the ball, the momentum, decent field position, and—thanks in part to the fact that Rivers hadn’t run nearly as many seconds off the clock as he could have*—plenty of time with which to work. A quick 23-yard pass to Leonard Pope into San Diego territory underlined just what was happening here: the Chiefs weren’t struggling to set up a tie game and overtime, they were driving toward their first win of the season.

*No, there weren’t any well-coached teams out there this day.

But the fact that it would be their first win was—in the moment—completely irrelevant to me. There was no context outside of the scoreboard and the game clock. It didn’t matter that even three points might still be a tall order for a team that in three games so far had been outscored 109-27. It didn’t matter that the Chiefs were going to have to finish this drive without Jamaal Charles or Tony Moeaki. It didn’t matter that last year, with those players, on this same field, the soon-to-be-playoff-bound Chiefs had been wholly embarrassed 31-0 (albeit with Brodie Croyle filling in for Matt Cassel). It didn’t matter either that this year, until the last few possessions, Cassel had looked shakier than Croyle at his worst.

So what? The same pieces of this puzzle that had completely fallen apart on us the first two weeks appeared to be coming together. Even the same blank sideline expression of head coach Todd Haley (overcompensating for last week’s strawberry/melon-colored velour hooded blouse with a slightly more bad-ass black windbreaker) now seemed less clueless and more confidence-inspiring. Despite everything—again, because nothing else mattered—it looked likely that the Chiefs could beat the Chargers, in very dramatic fashion, and announce themselves as the champions of this game on this day. This was the Super Bowl.

This moment, this dose of adrenaline, was precisely the kind of fix that had lead to our addiction in the first place. The reason we are Chiefs fans, and stay Chiefs fans, is for the ever-present anticipation of the next one of these moments. As I’ve tried to deal with the opening debacles of this season, I’ve pointed out that I (merely) expect to be entertained. On Sunday, the Chiefs fulfilled that expectation. Even their last play on offense—as stultifying a way to lose a game as Cassel’s interception was—was still another moment: it felt good to be angry, to care.

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Chiefs Only Two Back In Race For AFC’s Top Seed

Chiefs Will Need To Settle For 14-2 Season

Chiefs Unbeaten Against Division In 2011

Clark Hunt Celebrates Another Year Of Record Profits

No, this is not going to be another Pollyanna-ish pep talk. To quote the guy who was proofreading the alphabet and noticed something missing between E and G: “F that.”

The point (if there’s a point) is that there really is no way to put a positive spin on what’s happening. The sad fact is that essentially all of us will admit there’s no way we’ll see any of those headlines a month or even a week from now (except, of course, for that last one). And there’s really no way to make sense,* or for that matter, fun, of all this, either.

*Be warned, this post will have a lot of asterisks and even double asterisks,** if only to fill space where there is no coherent line of reasoning.

**See?

There is no comedy here, unless it’s a Divine Comedy: The lockout was the first level of hell* and it has descended from there to the preseason and down with each regular-season game, and each new torn ACL. To paraphrase Mel Brooks, “Tragedy is when Jamaal Charles cuts his finger; comedy is when the Detroit Lions walk into an open sewer and die.” (Not exactly sure how or whether that applies, but I gotta fill this post with words, people.)

*Or if you insist on being an I-told-you-so realist, it probably started with the final regular-season game last year against the Raiders, followed by the Wild Card blowout…

Like all of you, I’ve got my computer desktop set with the official, AA-endorsed wallpaper. What a brilliant, visual reminder that the season hasn’t even really begun. And yet, it still feels all but over. (more…)

So this is how my glorious NFL opening weekend ends: Sitting here in the waning moments of Monday, rooting for the Raiders to beat the Broncos so that I can finish near the top of my pick ‘em pool—but hoping they do so without too much help from Darren McFadden, lest my fantasy-league opponent come from behind in the final game. The Chiefs? Oh, right, that’s what this weekend was originally supposed to be about…

What is there to say, really? What occurred Sunday afternoon at Arrowhead was worse than the lockout, worse than the horrible preseason—unless, as I daydreamed at times during the game, this still was the preseason. How else to explain the lack of competition and emotion, the stadium that emptied in the third quarter, and all those Chiefs on the field who probably don’t deserve to make the team? All we could hope for was that none of our top starters would get hurt.

Well, shit.

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As of the time of this post, the kick off of the Kansas City Chiefs’ 2011 season is a mere 120 hours away. It had been my intention, in a final effort at unbridled optimism before the first game starts, to put together the ultimate Season-Opening Pep Talk. Instead, since we’re all in this together, from the highs of last season to the lows of the lockout to whatever the hell you might call this preseason, I decided it would be better if we all write our own.

But to help, I composed this quick-n-easy Mad Lib. For anyone who doesn’t remember how this works, it’s pretty simple: Just fill in the first word that comes to mind after each prompt on the list, and then match it to the corresponding space(s) in the form that follows. If it all works out, you should have yourself a perfectly uplifting speech* to rally your spirits for Sunday!

*Special thanks to The Sports Cliché List for help in structuring a more authentically stereotypical pep talk.

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Well, Chiefs fans, the bad news is that it’s still the preseason. The good news: The preseason is almost over. And that means that this, thankfully, is my last preseason post.* And since, try as I might, I’m just not able to follow through on this one idea I had of reimagining the Chiefs coaching staff as the cast of Entourage (which is what’s currently playing on the DVR), I guess I’ll have to fall back on my default optimism.

*In a way, I’d like to think of these August posts as my own preseason performances. After a long lockout that saw me resorting to, among other things, visualizing the Best Picture nominees as NFL Films, comparing Steve DeBerg to Abraham Lincoln’s first-term Vice President, extolling the virtues of soccer, and exploiting my infant daughter, I reserve the right to seem rusty now that I am back to writing about what, just for the sake of argument, I will call “actual” football games. But, much like our dear Chiefs, I promise to get my groove back by Week One.

So, putting aside the fact that I could not care less about the outcome of these preseason games—or for that matter, really, the performances, so long as no one gets hurt—could the Chiefs be showing us a little more right now? Of course. Are there reasons to be disappointed by what appear to be some severe shortcomings and a lack of cohesion in game situations? Uh…yeah. But should we be worried? I think you know my answer to that, but I’ll spell it out for you anyway: It starts with “H” and ends with “ell no!”

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 “As I’ve conveyed over the last three years, everything that happens within these walls is family business.”

— Coach Todd Haley, “responding” to questions about Friday’s alleged
Thomas Jones-Jonathan Baldwin locker-room bout

“I thought I did address it…I addressed it as family business…I’m sorry if you didn’t think that.”

— Haley, when asked about it again three days later

Well, there you have it, Chiefs fans. Just in case you didn’t already realize you weren’t truly part of this “family,”* there are apparently certain things that only “family” gets to talk about—and that doesn’t include you.

*Hey, remember that whole months-long argument over how to divide the “family” finances? And remember how you weren’t allowed to say anything, even though you’ve anted up a chunk of your allowance for who-knows-how-many years?

Yes, the Pioli Administration has always been notorious for its stonewalling, and its newspeak has been well-documented and well-dissected on this site. But am I the only one who feels this “family business” business has taken it up a notch—and, frankly, is just a little creepy?*

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Many cities claim ties to Edgar Allan Poe, but Baltimore is where he came to drink himself to death.

I thought since the Chiefs would be taking on the Ravens tonight that it would be cool to re-run one of the best posts in AA’s history, staff writer Victor Wishna’s poem “Chiefs to Ravens: “Nevermore!” Victor’s crafted a poem based on Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven” weaving together some very difficult verse. You can read it below and you can listen to Victor read the piece on NPR Kansas City. -PA

On Sunday, the AFC West Champion Kansas City Chiefs face off against the Wild Card Baltimore Ravens, perhaps the only NFL team that is also a literary reference (with the possible exception of the Chicago Bears, who are actually named—though this is not well known—for “The Berenstain Bears”).

So at the risk of turning this into a poetry blog (see here and here), I hope you’ll indulge my lyrical rallying call to the task at hand—with all apologies to Edgar Allan Poe (and none whatsoever to the Baltimore Ravens).

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Last week, I finally sat down to undertake what has become an annual (and particularly anal) preseason ritual: entering all of the Chiefs’ regular-season games into the old Google calendar. Usually, this happens much earlier in the summer, but this year there was that whole lockout thing, and I don’t like putting things on the calendar that are technically still tentative. And no, I don’t actually rely on Google to remind me when there’s a Chiefs game about to start—it’s not like I have ever found myself, say, alphabetizing my Garbage Pail Kids collection at noon on a fall Sunday and been struck with a sensation that there was something else I was supposed to be doing. I just like seeing that sacred time blocked out on the calendar (and color-coded red, of course).

When I was done, I got up, left the computer…and then realized that I hadn’t marked off the times and dates of the preseason games. I thought about it for a second, and this is what I thought: “F(orget) that.” And just like that, my boycott began. I didn’t watch Friday night’s mess* and I have only a vague notion of when the next one is (and will, probably until I read about it on this site).

*Not at the time, at least—more on that in a bit.

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WARNING: This post ends with a bad rap parody.

It’s hard to believe, maybe, that this week marks the four-year anniversary of the debut of HBO’s Hard Knocks: Training Camp with the Kansas City Chiefs. In fact, to celebrate,* the NFL Network broadcast a HK:TCWTKCC marathon yesterday. For one day, it was August 2007 all over again, and the whole gang was there: Herm Edwards, of course, and Gunther “%&#^@!” Cunningham, along with the stars of the show: Turk and Tank. Boomer Grigsby. The Croyles (mostly Kelli). And poor, poor Bobby Sippio.

*”To celebrate” is one way to put it. “To kill six dead hours in the middle of a Monday” is another.

It can also be hard to remember that, at the time, things didn’t look so bad. There was hope. We were coming off a 2006 season in which the Chiefs—though some of you, I’m sure, got “this thing twisted and think we backed into this deal”—were a playoff team, with an All-Pro running back that had just lead the league in carries and finished second in yards. Meanwhile, All-World tight end Tony Gonzalez had been signed to a five-year extension. And now, HBO was reviving its acclaimed NFL training-camp reality series and wanted to feature the Chiefs and only the Chiefs—and had been spending the whole summer hyping it.

No, we didn’t know at that moment just how hard we would all be knocked over the next three years. As late as that Halloween, it still seemed like we would continue to have something to root for. First, there were those 24 unanswered second-half points in San Diego to erase a double-digit halftime deficit. Then, in a very sloppy game in Oakland, the Chiefs outlasted the Raiders to prevail 12-10, securing a 4-3 record and, heading into their bye week, first place in the AFC West. That was October 21, 2007.

The Chiefs would not win again until September 28, 2008. They would lose 12 games in a row and 28 of their next 30, getting outscored 808-499 during that stretch—though the close, late-game losses would be the most pathetic and painful.

(You know, just in case you didn’t remember all that.)

But the point is that now, four years later, though we may whine and moan about our young Chiefs’ growing pains, we also have much to cheer. Which means it’s time for another parody.

So with all apologies* to Jaz-Z for hijacking his original (and to Charles Strouse and Martin Charnin, who co-wrote the original original), please enjoy, if possible. Just don’t ask me to perform it for you.

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In the history of the hated—from Al Davis to John Elway to Philip Rivers and everyone in between—the name Brandon Siler doesn’t exactly make the blood boil. Still, when it was announced that the linebacker, who had spent his entire four-year career with the San Diego Chargers, would be the newest Brandon on Kansas City’s defense, it was another small victory, and not only because Siler will hopefully fill a real need for the Chiefs. Our gain is a little sweeter when it’s also a rival’s loss.

Brandon Siler, being interviewed while changing out of his Chargers rags and into his new Chiefs uniform.

And that got me thinking about those times in recent Chiefs history when we’ve had the chance to see an old rival reborn in red and gold—and even wash away his sins with a game-changing or dominating performance against his old team. Even something as relatively mundane as a well-executed third-down conversion or defensive stop for short gain has an added ounce of gratification. There’s that feeling of “Yeah, that’s right—he’s with us now.”

So, in no particular order, here are a few of the notable former AFC West adversaries who saw the light (or were traded, or discarded by the forces of darkness and picked up as a steal in free agency, etc.) and used their football force for good.

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As Kansas City Chiefs fans, today is the first day of the rest of our lives.

While the NFL labor mess ultimately melted away as so many of us have been expecting it eventually would, this still feels like a new beginning. After all, a time when football’s future wasn’t endangered by the players and owners’ bickering was becoming difficult to remember. Before the lockout finally came to an end yesterday, it had persisted for 143 days. The entire 2010 NFL season—post-season and Super Bowl included—lasted 147. Soon enough, hopefully, this will all feel like a cruel joke.

But so what? Let’s schedule a group therapy session in a few months and see how we feel then. Right now, it’s time to focus on the present (and near future).

Speaking of focus, I’ll be honest—before joining AA early last year (around Halloween, whatever that might imply), I had been a diehard during-the-season Chiefs fan, and remained interested but much less obsessed in the months when there were no games. Fall and winter Sundays were sacrosanct and I would feed on pre-game hype all week long. But if I wasn’t the first person in the world to know about a summer free-agent signing, it didn’t exactly ruin my day.

All of that changed this February, when it was made clear to me by Dear Leader that while the NFL’s work was done for the season (or longer), mine here was not. Coming up with something new to write about the Chiefs every week* during a normal NFL off-season is insane enough, but during this off-off-season? For so long, it felt almost a little disingenuous, as if there was an unwritten caveat to every conversation-starter: “How tough is the Chiefs’ 2011 schedule (you know…assuming they wind up playing it)?” “Which free agents should KC go after (you know…if they ever get the chance to go after free agents)?” “Just how big of a jackass will Clark Hunt prove himself to be (you know…if…well—pretty big, actually)?”

*What ever would possess someone to do it every day, I cannot possibly understand—it’s Arrowhead Addict, not Arrowhead Nutjob—but I’m glad such a person exists.

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July 12, 2011

Dear Vivien,

I am writing you this letter—okay, so it’s a blog post for my regularly scheduled slot*—with the hope that long before you are able to read and understand this, and optimistically within a matter of days from now, the NFL owners and players will have resolved their silly little labor dispute (no, I cannot explain that to you now—we are still busy trying to explain it to each other) and you will grow up in a world flush with Kansas City Chiefs football, as did your father and those before him.

*Daddy likes to multi-task. So sue him.**

**Not literally. This is just an expression. You’ll learn.

As your father, I see it as my responsibility to ensure that you grow up to know the wonderful joy, occasional disillusion, and ultimate, satisfying bond of being a Chiefs fan. It is, of course, only one of my many important jobs as your dad—which, as you must know, also includes (though it’s never intentional!) embarrassing you thoroughly, beginning with this letter. Sorry, kid—I think I may have seen that Google “Dear Sophie” ad one time too many.

Vivien Jeanette Wishna, born June 20. (Same birthday as Len Dawson.)

First of all, I want to commend you on how far you’ve already come in just three weeks: you eat constantly, burp and fart at will, and don’t even bother to get up when nature calls.* And you complain loudly the moment things don’t go your way. In short, you are well on your way to becoming a real American—and more specifically, a real American football fan.

*Embarrassed yet?

But Vivi, I think you’re really going to love being a Chiefs fan. There is much fun to be had and many thrilling moments to be shared, at home, at Arrowhead, or anywhere. I should warn you, though, that it isn’t always going to be easy. Once you’ve mastered certain mysteries in your young life—walking, talking, algebra, etc.—you will still inevitably have to contend with the inexplicable: A draw play called on third down? An all-time-great running back sitting on the bench? Holding? Holding!?! YOU CALL THAT HOLDING?!?!?

But perhaps, as I really hope, you’ll look back on this era of Chiefs history—with its grainy, “3-D high-definition” video (soooo 2011!)—as the time the team started its return to glory.

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Tonight, Chiefs fans, for the second week in a row, there will be big-league, professional football* played in Kansas City—in a glittering, filled-to-capacity stadium—and broadcast live on national television.

*Or, of course, as it’s called in this country, “soccer”—which makes a hell of a lot more sense. I mean, have you seen a soccer ball? It’s round! It doesn’t look anything like a foot!

Last Thursday was a monumental day for the other football team founded by our beloved Lamar Hunt. Sporting KC—the team formerly known as the Wizards, who were originally nicknamed, in a fit of either marketing brilliance or complete cluelessness, the Wiz—christened their brand-spankin’-new stadium, Livestrong Sporting Park, named for the foundation of the much admired cyclist, cancer-survivor, and alleged illegal doper Lance Armstrong. With ESPN2’s cameras focused in, SKC battled the Chicago Fire—a team named for one of the largest and most deadly disasters in U.S. history—to a decidedly indecisive scoreless tie, or what my father would call “a close game.”*

*Throughout my childhood, my father—who simply was not as avid a fan as my mother or me—would walk in on us riveted to the last thrilling seconds of a nearly tied football or college basketball game and invariably say the same thing: “Huh. Close game!”

It ain't Arrowhead. But right now, neither is Arrowhead.

Now, tonight, the U.S. men’s national team is in town to take on Guadeloupe, which as it turns out, is in fact a tiny island nation in the Lesser Antilles with a population one-fifth that of the KC metro area, and not, as I had thought, just some guy named Guadeloupe. This is a crucial match for the U.S., which is hoping to stay alive in its quest for the Gold Cup of the Confederation of North, Central American and Caribbean Association Football, or CONCACAF—an acronym that is actually longer than the word “acronym.”

Based solely on what you’ll see here on local front pages, TV news, and billboards, it would be hard to deny that Kansas City is—at least for this week and/or until the NFL owners and players settle their dispute or Clark Hunt announces he is giving all of his employees raises and adopting a gaggle of orphans and/or a litter of really cute, abandoned puppies to show what a good guy he is—a fútbol town.*

*Or, if you prefer, a “soccer city.”

So here’s a quick refresher on just some of the subtle differences between our football, the game of inches, and soccer, the game of feet. Yes, it’s been done before, but so has “Here’s Why The NFL Lockout Still Stinks.” Let me have my fun.

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Well, Chiefs fans, we are now just three months away from the start of the 2011 NFL season. Unless, of course, we’re not.

As the owners and players await their fate in court and seem no closer to sitting down to talk, we start to face the real possibility that this little tiff may ultimately ruin more than just our offseason. And as Patrick reported yesterday, the league already has some not-so-top-secret plans for a much shorter regular season, should it come to that:

The reports are that the proposed eight-game season could start in late November. The Chiefs open the third week of November by taking on the Patriots in New England. They then have vs. Steelers, @Bears, @Jets, vs. Packers, vs. Raiders, and @Broncos. That would be seven (brutal) games. It would include four road games and three home games. My guess is that the NFL would add one more game to the end of the year. I’m not sure how the other schedules for other teams work out, but it would make sense for the eighth game to be at Arrowhead vs. the Chargers. This would mean the Chiefs would play the division once, plus five out-of-division opponents.

This is just one scenario.

Indeed. Well, it just so happens that I was able to get a hold of a few random pages of the NFL’s lockout contingency manual. Here are a few more scenarios, each more nightmarish than the last…

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Quick trivia question: Who exactly is Hannibal Hamlin?

a)    The cannibalistic serial killer in Silence of the Lambs.
b)    The star of the hit ‘80s legal/inappropriate-office-sex drama L.A. Law.
c)    The Kansas City Chiefs’ all-time leader in punts inside the 20-yard line.
d)    The Vice President under Abraham Lincoln from 1861-65.

Well, as anyone with either a passion for 19^th-Century American political history or access to Google already knows, the answer is not a), or b), or even c). Hamlin, a U.S. Senator from Maine, was the other half of Lincoln’s ticket. He was later appointed ambassador to Spain, and was considered, I’m sure, an all-around great guy by his friends as well as the staff at his favorite diner in Bangor.

What does this fact have to do with the Kansas City Chiefs? Well, in and of itself, absolutely nothing. So why do I bother mentioning it (other than as a bit of minutiae I picked up in eager anticipation of last night’s premiere of Ridley Scott’s new docu-thriller Gettysburg on the History Channel*)?

*Seriously. It was AWE-some. You should check it out on rerun.

Consider: Passed over for a second term in favor of Andrew Johnson, Hannibal Hamlin’s tenure as #2 expired in March 1865, mere weeks before Lincoln’s career-and-life-ending-injury at Ford’s Theater forced Johnson to enter the presidency with little more than a few practice speeches under his belt. Indeed, he was not up to the task, and the country spent the rest of the decade mired in a long, painful rebuilding process known as Reconstruction. Congress even tried to cut Johnson before his contract was up.

I think you know where I’m going with this: Whether in the White House or the National Football League, a good backup is essential, particularly at the leadership position.

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Paddy arriving in Mexico.

As you may know, fearless leader Patrick “Paddy” Allen is taking his first vacation since the AFL-NFL merger, and has left us, the best and brightest (available), to keep an eye on things here. Those of you betting that we would be overcome with breaking Chiefs news as soon as Paddy stepped away can hold onto your money for now. But the fix is still in: here is your regular A.M. round up of what is being written about the Chiefs around the web…

For Hunt and his Chiefs, it was all in an extraordinary day’s work. He and general manager Scott Pioli and other front office executives pitched in to assist other team employees on Wednesday as Kansas Citians from all walks of life came together in the Arrowhead Stadium parking lot to collect relief supplies and rush it to the tornado victims of Reading, Kan., and Joplin, Mo.

Chiefs fill 5 semitrailers with relief supplies

Former Chiefs RB Kimble Anders has faced plenty of challenges since taking over as Director of Athletics for the Kansas City, Missouri School District (KSMSD). Towards the top of the list have been district-wide budget cuts.

Just last year, the school district faced a $50 million deficit and planned for massive school closures. Roughly 40% of its schools would end up closing.

With drastic measures being taken, athletics presented an obvious area for further cuts.

“A lot of kids haven’t been able to get football cleats, basketball shoes or new equipment because we haven’t been able to supply that in the budget,” Anders said.

Chiefs Cleats Go To Local High Schools

It is the hardest road a player can travel to the National Football League.

When a player finishes his college career and is not selected in the NFL Draft that does not mean his football playing career is over. It does mean that he will have to overcome the longest odds on the board to make it in pro football. A draft choice has an advantage because football capital was used to acquire him in the form of a draft pick. A UFA has an edge because another form of football capital was spent on them – money. Even street free agents have an edge, because they’ve been with at least one other team and have an idea of the lay of the land.

Best CFAs in Chiefs History

No, the world didn’t end on Saturday—the reports of the Rapture and our impending demise were greatly exaggerated. But the pictures we saw the next day from Joplin, and have been seeing for weeks from Alabama and Mississippi (and now also Kansas and Iowa and Minnesota), look more than enough like a real Armageddon.

When tornadoes tore through Alabama, it got our attention; we were all touched and even inspired by Javier Arenas‘s story of survival and singular mission to help others, as detailed in Lars Anderson’s recent Sports Illustrated cover story. When a mile-wide twister, the single deadliest in the U.S. in almost 60 years, mangled Joplin on Sunday, the story hit much closer to home, literally for some, as those members of our AA team and their families felt the anguish first hand. I’m sure that’s true, too, for many of you out there.

I remember that when I read how Alabama head football coach Nick Saban was encouraging his players to reach out to the people of Tuscaloosa—“Just by your presence and being with them, you can help people,” he said—I was cynical at first. Perhaps because while Arenas’s first move after cheating death was to load up his SUV with $1,600 worth of supplies to hand out, Saban hasn’t yet announced how much of his $4.15 million salary for the 2011 season will be earmarked for disaster relief. Or maybe because the focus seemed to be on sports as a temporarily helpful but otherwise superficial distraction: “We can create a psychological escape for the people of this town,” Saban told SI. “They have a great passion for sports, and we’ll be there for them.”

Sure, sports are and can be a healthy diversion, especially in times like this, what another SI reporter, writing days after September 11, 2001, likened to “pulling a blanket over your head when you’re a kid—suddenly the world goes away and nothing outside that little space even exists; it’s delicious.” But that’s just the game. And being a fan extends beyond the game. There’s something much more important going on here, and we’re starting to see it.

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Here we are, Kansas City Chiefs fans, at what is supposed to be the midpoint between the end of last season and the beginning of the next. I am falling into my usual mid-offseason crisis—however, this time there’s no guarantee of recovery. There may still be faint light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel that will hopefully lead out onto the field at Arrowhead Stadium on Opening Weekend in September. But as we await our next day in court—and with the ominous first comments from the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 8^th Circuit, it ain’t a’lookin’ so good—we don’t know how long the tunnel is going to be…

Here’s what we do know: The 2010 season turned out to be one hell of a party. And as the party wore on into the wee hours of the playoffs, I remember that everything was going great… The Chiefs were in the postseason at home for the first time since the early-mid George W. Bush administration. It was a sell-out crowd. The temperature at game time was a balmy 20 degrees Fahrenheit. In the first quarter, the Chiefs were keeping it close against the favored Baltimore Ravens. Excitement was building. And then, I distinctly remember, this happened.

But from that point on, everything became a blur. And now we’re left to piece together how exactly we got to where we are today… and whether we’ll ever find our friend Doug.*

*Actually, there is no player currently on the Chiefs roster named Doug, the last one being Doug Terry in 1995. There is, however, a Dwayne—who has, on occasion, gone missing.

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The 2011 NFL Draft is over, the picks are all in, and now the grades are going out. Of course, giving a team a report card on its draft choices is sort of like grading a student on their class selection at the beginning of the semester: “Jimmy’s really weak in math, so I’m glad to see he’s talking calculus, and I’m not sure what ‘Intro to Global Sensitivity Analysis’ is, but maybe it’ll make him into less of an asshole.” The real passing and/or failing hasn’t even begun.

So for now, the grades we give are, like the picks themselves, educated guesses in response to the following: “Will _____ be a good player for us? Will he make our team better?” And so far, the answer for most of the players picked seems to be, happily, “Yeah…I really think so.”

But there’s a secondary consideration, an aspect that concerns all of us, and especially those of us who have taken it upon ourselves to write and/or comment about this team week in and week out: “Will _____ be a good story for us? Will he make our team that much more interesting?”

Of course, interesting isn’t necessarily good. But for every Chad Ochocinco who coasts on talent and early success, says whatever he wants to get attention, perhaps changes his name to a Spanish number, launches a reality TV show, and in his spare time plays soccer, there’s a Priest Holmes who goes undrafted, works harder than anyone, overcomes injury, overcomes rejection, and then overcomes injury again to become one of the greatest ever—and in his spare time plays chess just to relax.

Looking over the crop of new stories about to join the larger Chiefs narrative, there are reasons to be excited about the potential of these picks. So while all the football grades are going out, here are my evaluations on the human-interest angle for each draftee, on a five-star scale, from downright dull (think Varsity Blues…Necessary Roughness…The Longest Yard (2005 version)) to a legend in the making (Rudy…Brian’s Song…The Longest Yard (1974)).

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It’s hard to believe: the big event that we’ve been looking forward to for months and speculating about for weeks on end is finally, nearly, almost here. After all the expert analysis and endless press coverage, it will all become official in just a few days.

But enough about Kate and Wills.

The other big to-do this week, as you probably know if you’ve checked this site even once since January, is the NFL Draft. At least for me, it can not get here soon enough. I’ve enjoyed following all the pre-draft talk and predictions and revised predictions and hand-wringing and occasional name-calling. It’s fun and all. But I feel like we’ve been gearing up for a post-season game, except that we’ve had to wait four months from the end of the regular season for it even to begin.*

*Like in college football.

Those of you who’ve followed what I write here—and particularly what I’ve been writing in these pre-draft, post-lockout, free-agency-bereft days—know that what I have to share trends more toward mockery than anything as labor-intensive as mock drafting. Hell, if I mocked the draft, it would probably sound something like this: “Oooh, look at me! I’m the NFL Draft! I’m sooooo $%#& important! Everybody wants to talk about me, because I’m the NFL Draft!” Get it?*

*Which is not to say that I would ever mock those who mock the draft. Except for Mel Kiper, Jr., but that is mostly hair-related.

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Yes, technically, the National Football League is currently not in business: Players are not allowed to enter their places of employment. Owners aren’t allowed to have contact with players or negotiate deals. Officially, there may not be any work to do, and therefore shouldn’t be any entry-level positions available—but so what? The NFL is still hiring.

And yes, it’s going to be a bit awkward. But next week’s little job fair is the only spectator event the league is promising to us right now. So for three days, we fans can put aside the bitterness we feel at being left out of the labor dispute, and pretend it is business as usual.

So, are you ready for some football? How ready? With no help from me, the draftniks here at AA have you covered when it comes to breaking down any and every potential Chiefs pick in every round of the upcoming draft, right down to a top prospect’s latest genetic condition. By the time next Thursday rolls around, you will have been through so many mock drafts that you should know the middle names and favorite foods of every member of every SEC practice squad (not that you’ll be any closer to knowing who Scott Pioli will decide to pick).

But with only nine days until the big day, there is more to do to prepare. So in order to get you fully ready for next week, here are a few things you may not have thought to take care of yet:

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Tomorrow, the future of the Kansas City Chiefs (and of every other NFL franchise) will be placed in the hands of the Honorable Susan Nelson, a U.S. District Court Judge in St. Paul, Minnesota, who will preside over an injunction hearing that could end the lockout. We know that the players (as represented by Mike Vrabel and nine other plaintiffs who were not arrested this week) will argue that the owners are violating America’s antitrust laws. We know that the owners will respond that the players are violating labor laws and have no compelling case. And we know that the owners are evil.

But just how much do we know about Judge Nelson? After all, her ruling, which could come within a week, could determine whether the Chiefs and everyone else go back to work (while appeals and court battles continue) or whether we move closer to losing some or all of next season. “I don’t think we can predict,” sports law expert and dean of Indiana University Law School Gary R. Roberts told the Washington Post. “With an unknown judge and novel issues, there’s no way of knowing.”

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As much as I’ve been enjoying the high drama of NCAA tournament basketball (not that I’ve had the courage to look at my bracket recently), and as ready as I am to sustain a few weeks’ worth of hope as another Royals’ baseball season gets underway on Thursday, the Kansas City Chiefs fan in me is thrilled that March is almost over. This is the month in which the NFL ground to a halt and left us nothing to look forward to—not even the expectation of progress—until April, when hopefully there will be a hearing to get things going again and then a draft to get hopes rising again.

How dead is it right now to be a Chiefs fan (let alone one who is asked to write about them every week)? Well, enough to drive you crazy. After the break is just a partial list of professional and college sports teams in the Kansas City area that are currently making more headlines than the Chiefs…

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Just imagine, this fall we may have the chance once again to see former Kansas City Chiefs coach Marty Schottenheimer strolling the sidelines, while Paul Hackett calls the plays from the booth.

And all we would have to do is drive to Omaha.

According to ESPN.com, as many of you have probably already seen, Schottenheimer—with Hackett along for the ride—is set to become the new coach of the sixth and newest team in the UFL (United Football League), the Virginia Destroyers. I didn’t really know much about the UFL—which puts me into a special category known as “the overwhelming majority of Americans”—but a quick consultation with the Google reveals that the UFL’s second-newest team is the Omaha Nighthawks. With only six teams, I’m guessing there’s a pretty good chance Omaha would get at least one day of Martyball.

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Fellow Kansas City Chiefs, fans: I got nothin’.

I admit it. I almost called in sick today—insofar as it’s possible to call in sick to a blog, when a post can be written and uploaded without getting dressed or even getting out of bed, assuming you always keep your laptop within reach (what, you don’t?).

It’s not that I’ve given up. In fact, just the opposite—I had been putting forward what I consider to be a rather commendable effort in an honest attempt to keep up with the issues and various plot lines of the current NFL labor dispute. I’ve learned quite a deal about the Collective Bargaining Agreement, more than I ever thought I would or, frankly, should, given that my working conditions are not explicitly affected by it.

As “the process” has dragged on, and was postponed, and then dragged on, I found myself getting more and more distracted. If there was a last straw, it was Clark Hunt’s inane interview this weekend. As I read it, I started to get really annoyed, almost nauseous. Matt later articulated perfectly the complete lack of urgency or apology that had started to turn my stomach: “It’s all part of the process… process… process… process… process…” And then, nothing. I felt a bit like Peter (Ron Livingstone) in Office Space, waking up the morning after hypnosis, free of any concern for the never-ending drudgery. Read on about the owners and NFLPA’s latest moves? Gosh. I just didn’t feel like it.

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Last week, the Kansas City Chiefs named Kevin Ross to the team’s Hall of Fame. It was an unassailable choice, and gave us all another opportunity to look back at greatness, which right now is much less agonizing than looking ahead and wondering what—if anything—is to come.

Ross was one of the first Chiefs players I remember knowing by name. That’s probably because his was among the generic-brand, locally produced trading cards that I was given by Officer MacDonald (I never knew Officer MacDonald’s first name, though I probably thought it was “Officer”), the off-duty cop who moonlighted (well, technically, daylighted) as the crossing guard in front of Brookridge Elementary School. As I recall, the free Chiefs cards were part of some initiative to teach kids not to be too shy to approach policemen if they ever needed anything. Did it work? I can’t say I have any fond feelings for the police, but I’m sure this helped feed my developing Chiefs fixation.

I remember, as I first started to understand the basics of football,* that Ross was one of my favorite players because his job was to catch balls that were not thrown to him. That struck me as so much more impressive and difficult, if less painful, than, say, trying to run through a line of 300-pound men without getting crushed. He earned a starting job before his first NFL game and pulled in six picks in his rookie season. Ross, of course, went on to become one of the most consistent, dominating defensive backs in the NFL, and an anchor of one of the greatest defenses of the 1990s. Derrick Thomas and Neil Smith were so free to do their thing, in part, because Ross and Albert Lewis had their backs (and/or receivers). In short, Kevin Ross was a lock.

*In my earliest, earliest memories of watching football—perhaps from my crib—I remember thinking that the whole point of the game was to make as big a pile of bodies as possible in the middle of the field. I don’t think I realized, at first, that there was even a ball involved.

But here’s something I didn’t know, probably because I was in third grade when it happened: Ross was drafted in the seventh round. Number 173 overall. The Chiefs took eight players ahead of him: Bill Maas, John Alt, Herman Heard, and five other guys I’m pretty sure you haven’t heard of, at least not as Chiefs. And Ross wasn’t even the first DB the Chiefs picked that year, so it’s not quite like they just weren’t trying to fill that position—they used their fourth-round pick (#90 overall) on Mark Robinson, a consensus All-American at Penn State, who would be traded to Tampa Bay a few years later and finish with a perfectly respectable 15 career interceptions (23 fewer than Ross).

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The Kansas City Chiefs lost their voice on Saturday.

Since Bill Grigsby passed away a few days ago, not long after his 89^th birthday, there have been any number of tributes, as there rightly should be, ranging from several vanilla, if sincere, platitude-filled statements to touching pieces full of insight and humor from people who truly knew him well, none more so than Joe Posnanski’s beautiful remembrance.

I have one personal memory of Bill Grigsby, one near, slight brush with his greatness.

I was at my friend’s house. It was summer. It wasn’t football season. And I don’t remember which video game we were playing—I’m guessing maybe Legend of Zelda, since this was the mid-to-late ‘80s—but it was intense enough that we didn’t even look up when my friend’s dad walked into the living room with another, older gentleman. But as the two of them discussed their business, there was something about the man’s cheery voice. I was pretty sure I had heard it before, or that he must have been some kind of actor or newscaster.

“Who was that?” I asked, after he had gotten what he’d come for and, from the door, shouted farewell to us where we remained, somewhere on Level 7.

“Mr. Grigsby.”

“Oh.”

Source: kansascity.com

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So here I was, all ready to dissect the shocking, fifth-round-fortune-shaping impact of the recent Kansas City Chiefs-Detroit Lions tampering scandal, when I realized: hey, it’s Oscar Week. And three weeks after the Super Bowl and seven weeks after the Chiefs’ last game,* it’s at least a mild comfort to once again have an over-hyped contest to watch on TV come Sunday, perfect for side bets and drinking games.

*It was an honor just being nominated. Oh, bullshit.

But I can understand if red-carpet cocktails and Oscar pools aren’t exactly any kind of substitute for pre-game tailgating and fantasy team-tracking. So in an attempt to bridge the divide, I went ahead and devised this quick quiz for your amusement.*

*What, you’d rather read more about the CBA?

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Kansas City Chiefs fans, I know we’re not really supposed to be focusing on the Collective Bargaining Agreement, this source of our collective aggravation, but we are. I have been resisting wading into the muck, not just in writing here, but in general—I have purposefully been avoiding learning too much about it. The first time I heard “CBA,” all I could picture was a bunch of tall guys with afros in too-short shorts throwing around a red-white-and-blue basketball.*

*Turns out that was the ABA.

Yesterday, I decided to get informed. For someone trying to get a basic grasp on the CBA, Google isn’t much help, as you have to wade through CBA: The Association for Christian Retail, the Commercial Brokers Association (“…the primary listings database in the Pacific Northwest”), the Christian Brothers Academy of Syracuse, the California Board of Accountancy, and the Chicago Bar Association. There’s even an Urban Dictionary entry (“CBA = Can’t Be Arsed. CBA is a severe form of laziness.”), before finally, mercifully, Wikipedia (of course) comes to the rescue with a summary of some of the major issues.

By now, I’m sure you all know what most of those basic questions are: How are the “millionaire players” and “billionaire owners” going to carve up that approximately $9 billion* of yearly revenue? Will the NFL add two regular season games? Will the league institute a rookie salary cap?

*That is more than the gross domestic product of 58 countries, according to the International Monetary Fund.

And if no deal is reached by the time the CBA expires on March 3, will there be a lockout?*

*The legal definition of a lockout is the “withholding of employment by an employer from its employees for the purpose of either resisting their demands or gaining a concession from them.” But in plain English, it means the players literally will be locked out. The Chiefs (and others) won’t be able to get into their teams’ facilities to work out, and their condition would start to deteriorate (unless, according to breaking news, Matt Cassel comes to the rescue). Shocking as it may be, not every NFL player has a $10-million crib with a state-of-the-art home gym, and many players can’t or won’t go to a “normal” gym like you or me (more often, you). So just imagine if Shaun Smith really let himself go… (more…)

Four weeks after the Kansas City Chiefs played their last game, the 2010 NFL season is finally, officially over. Super Bowl XLV* has come and gone, and though it wasn’t mentioned during the broadcast, you probably, at one point or another, noticed that the Chiefs weren’t in it.

*As a friend tweeted Sunday night, “Why not just VL?”

But so what? Yesterday formally marked the first day of the 2011 campaign. Bodog.com has already set the opening odds, and the Chiefs are a 35-to-one shot to get to Super Bowl XLVI and win it all. Not quite as sure a bet as, say, the Packers (seven-to-one) or Patriots (15-to-two), but to quote the distinguished Canadian-American actor Jim Carrey as Lloyd Christmas in Dumb and Dumber: “So…you’re tellin’ me there’s a chance!”

With that in mind, I thought it might be fun to see just how optimistic I could be (while testing my knowledge of Roman numerals). So, without further ado and in no particular order, here are XLVI reasons why next year could be the year…
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It’s Super Bowl week again, and with it comes the renewal of a tradition, now into its fifth decade, which we Kansas City Chiefs fans resignedly look forward to every year: watching highlights of Super Bowl IV.

In some ways, it is indeed reassuring to know that every winter, I can turn on the TV and witness the Chiefs playing in the Super Bowl—the same Super Bowl—even if it’s only for 22 minutes plus commercials, and only on ESPN Classic or the NFL Network at odd hours like 2:30 a.m. (wedged in between highlights of Super Bowl III and Super Bowl V).

I found it again this weekend (or, rather, the DVR did). It is some kind of wonderful to be transported to that time that I don’t remember: The ‘70s fanfare, with the funky pop version of “Everything’s Up To Date In Kansas City”…the chipped, dented, tin-like helmets…the (legal) clothesline tackles…the linemen with gap-toothed smiles…the Chiefs’ cheerleaders dressed like a band of blond Pocohantases.

The star of the show was Head Coach Hank Stram, he of the greased helmet hair and homemade Chiefs lapel emblem. Stram was the first coach to be wired (in all senses of the term) for a Super Bowl, and he played it for all it was worth. We see the game almost entirely from his perspective: “Leonard, it’s like stealin’—we gotta do more of it! They can’t cover that stuff in a million years.”  One minute: “Mr. Official, how could all six of you miss a play like that?” And then the next: “You did good, you marked it good. Those officials are doing a hell of a job.”

And when Stram calls “65 Toss Power Trap—it might pop wide open,” there’s still a split second of anticipation before it does, and Mike Garrett charges into the end zone. Stram hops out onto the field like a giddy little kid. Minutes later, Vikings quarterback Joe Kapp rolls on the turf in pain. The Minnesota cheerleaders start to cry. And with his “voice of God,” NFL Films’ John Facienda delivers the final decree: “On January 11, 1970, victory belonged to Hank Stram and his Kansas City Chiefs, the world champions of professional football.”

When Chiefs fans talk about getting back to the promised land, this is the specific metaphorical real estate we are talking about. Super Bowl IV is the myth on which those of us too young to remember it personally were raised: The 51 G-O Reverse. The 65 Toss Power Trap. “Just keep matriculating the ball down the field, boys. Keep negotiating that ball right down the field!” (more…)

Aloha Stadium in Honolulu, site of the 2011 Pro Bowl: "Aloha" has many meanings, including "Hello," "Goodbye," "I Love You," and "What the $%&, Ref?? You Call THAT Pass Interference?!?"

It’s the end of January and the Kansas City Chiefs—six five of them!—are still playing. That is something to celebrate, and more importantly, something to watch. It will be great to see Jamaal Charles et. al. back in uniform on my TV, and not just on the faces of random strangers.

Now, as I may have hinted at last week, I’m not normally a fan of the Pro Bowl, if you define “fan” as “someone who is aware that the game is on while the game is actually still on.” I mean, it’s hard to accept the claim that the Pro Bowl only features the best of the best of the best of the NFL, when exceptions are made for those players who are:

a) Even the slightest bit injured.
b) Faking injury.
c) Skipping the game because they would rather stay home and pout, without even bothering to fake injury.
d) Actually playing for either of the two best teams in the NFL.

And, as you all probably also know, there are special regulations for the Pro Bowl:

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Source: fox4kc.com

So I can’t prove it, but I am pretty sure—really, almost positive—that Todd Haley is my cable guy.

He showed up at my door yesterday afternoon (and, might I say, well within the waiting window I had been given) and claimed his name was “Justin.” But from the moment we made eye contact—a lingering, suspicious, Larry David-type stare-down—I could tell he sensed I was on to him. That faint goatee, the tuft of mullet sticking out from under his baseball cap, a brooding, slightly dubious expression—he was a dead ringer for the Chiefs coach, and it dawned on me: I had never met this man before, and I have never met Todd Haley. But I have also never seen them both in the same room at the same time.

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The exciting 2010 season already starts to fade into memory...

Yes, this past Sunday, the Kansas City Chiefs’ 2010 season ended with a thud on the cold, hard, two-toned turf of Arrowhead Stadium. And just like that, a nation of Chiefs fans was cut off cold turkey.

If you’re like me—and if you’re reading (or for that matter, purposefully avoiding) this blog right now, I know that in some way you are—you’re experiencing a bit of a psychological break. We’ve all been on a weekly cycle of ebb and flow…win and sometimes lose…soar and crash…vent and recover…for the last four-plus months, and it’s not the kind of routine you just delicately step away from.

Last week, Lyle made a nice analogy between our Chiefs’ uneven progress and the art of potty-training, explaining that with any young team, fits and starts and “accidents” are all part of the process. To apply my own, much more convoluted and less appropriate bathroom-related analogy, one might say that the Kansas City Chiefs’ season rather suddenly went down the toilet on Sunday. And now that our toilet is clogged to the point of cracking because it’s full of Chiefs (Shaun Smith in particular), it sure would be nice if we could just shut off the water main and remove the pressure from the situation.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way with adrenaline. (more…)