Kansas City Chiefs 2014 Preview: Worstest Of The Worstest

Pessimists, our hour of need has come. In our glorious time of worshipping the horridness of the 1-3 preseason, we have failed to stop the uprising of optimists who wish to destroy what we have so diligently built these last few months. Let us work now to build back to a time where we were doomed to go 0-16 after we lost five free agents in less than two hours to other teams. Those were our glory days, and we will need to return to that time in order to undo the work done by those who wish to have hope.

Let us begin by retelling the most recent story of the Kansas City Chiefs.

In 2012 the Chiefs produced their best team in franchise history, finishing 2-14 and landing the number one overall pick. Optimist declared the upcoming era of Chiefs football to be the beginning of a brighter future. They were wrong, we decided, and the results proved it.

Starting in January 2013, the Chiefs fired the worst general manager of all-time, Scott Pioli.

They fired the worst head coach of all-time, Romeo Crennel.

They hired the soon-to-be worst retread head coach of all-time, Andy Reid.

They hired the soon-to-be new worst general manager of all-time, John Dorsey.

They traded for the worst quarterback of all-time, Alex Smith.

They selected the soon-to-be worst number one overall pick of all-time, Eric Fisher.

They would become the worst team ever to start a season 9-0.

The finished the season as the worst 11-win team in sports history.

They had the worst playoff loss of all-time against Indianapolis.*

Media and optimists chose to focus on the nine-win turn around and near-victory in the playoffs. We chose to focus on the 2-5 finish, putrid secondary play and inevitable playoff collapse. Truly our view is more righteous than those heathen optimists.

We scored a victory shortly after the playoff loss when the Chiefs were virtually inactive during free agency.

You saw it. You saw three offensive linemen walk away from the Chiefs and sign with other teams. Certain future Hall-of-Famers Branden Albert (Miami Dolphins), Geoff Schwartz (New York Giants), and Jon Asamoah (Atlanta Falcons) all left for richer deals, leaving the Chiefs’ 20th-ranked offensive line against the pass (Football Outsiders). Those parts are irreplaceable and this season shall prove it.

Gone too are playmakers Dexter McCluster and Tyson Jackson, two of the franchise’s pillars of the Chiefs’ golden age of 2008-2012. We’ll forever remember the contributions of McCluster and Jackson as if they were a treasure of which its value far exceeded a human’s capacity to understand. Truly there is no replacing their greatness. And certainly draft pick De’Anthony Thomas and free agent signing Vance Walker cannot fill the void they are leaving. No man possibly could.

What are the Chiefs left with? A dumpster fire of a defense that features five so-called “Pro Bowl” players in Tamba Hali, Justin Houston, Dontari Poe, Derrick Johnson, and Eric Berry. This fire is fueled by soon-to-be wretched first-round pick Dee Ford, the man some think will end up being the second best pass rusher in the 2014 draft, and Marcus Cooper, a bronze star of a waiver wire pickup from a season ago.

Certainly there is no way this defense can stop the high-octane offenses of Arizona, Oakland (twice!), St. Louis Rams, Miami Dolphins, Buffalo Bills, Pittsburgh Steelers and New York Jets. No defense could ever survive such a gauntlet of a schedule.

And then there is the $68 million quarterback, Alex Smith, who is arguably the worst human to play the position since the invention of the forward pass. We knew the dream of continuing the long line of great quarterbacks was going to end sometime. Let’s face it, no team will ever be able to match the quality of quarterback play the Chiefs have received from Damon Huard, Brodie Croyle, Tyler Thigpen, Matt Cassel, Tyler Palko, and Brady Quinn. Will there ever be such a dynasty again? Books without pictures will be written to declare their greatness.

Instead we have a quarterback who has thrown a mere 53 (4.5 percent) touchdowns and 17 interceptions (1.5 percent) over the last three years. So what if he has won more playoff games in that time span than the Chiefs franchise has won in the last 20 years and set nearly every single-game playoff record for a quarterback in team history. What matters is he is awful. What team could possibly win with and awful quarterback? And with the Chiefs offensive line one can only expect such awful play to continue at an even worse rate.

Even if the Chiefs did have a good quarterback like Croyle, who would he throw the ball to? And who could he rely on for the big play? It has been made quite obvious Jamaal Charles – another one of those so-called ‘Pro Bowl’ players – cannot be successful unless he has a stout offensive line and elite quarterback. For his last three healthy seasons he’s been arguably the best back in the NFL, but that’s only because he’s had the pleasure of running behind players like Ryan Lilja, Eric Winston, and Barry Richardson. No way he can run behind this disaster of an offensive line.

Some silly optimists believe the additions of Travis Kelce and De’Anthony Thomas will help open up the offense in 2014. What do they know? Sure, Kelce has displayed an impressive combination of size and speed and a knack for creating separation downfield. And, yes, Thomas displayed world-class speed racing for an 80-yard punt return touchdown and showing an ability to make defenders miss in space during the preseason. But none of that is going to matter because The $68 Million Man has never displayed enough arm strength to throw downfield.

Nope. He cannot do it.

Don’t let the optimists among Chiefs Kingdom fool you. Don’t let them convince you this defense has a deeper stable of pass rusher and more speed in the secondary than they did a season ago. Shield your ears against their lies of the Chiefs having more weapons on offense with Thomas, Kelce and Knile Davis. And threaten violence should one of those optimists remind you Alex Smith was a quarterback good enough to lead this team to 44 points on the road in the playoffs without the services of Jamaal Charles.

The true question is why are we even playing the season? Why trust the process the 2013 NFL Executive of the Year John Dorsey and 141-win head coach Andy Reid have developed? What do they know about building a consistent winner? We are doomed with these men in charge, Chiefs fans. Embrace this knowledge.

Guard your hearts, my fellow pessimists, for the end of the Chiefs 2014 season is already upon us and the hope-mongers out to get us. An 0-16 season is nigh, and we shall be avenged.

*Okay,maybe that is true.


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