Pioli’s 2013 Offseason Checklist

I no longer have anything to say about the 2012 Chiefs.

As BJ Kissel put very well on his video reaction to the team’s 7-30 whimper against the Cleveland Browns, “What did we learn about the Kansas City Chiefs this week that we didn’t already know? Nothing.”

The team’s problems in this game were baked into the bread of this franchise from day one of the Pioli regime. It’s the same story over and over. The Chiefs have the worst quarterback situation in the league. The. Worst.

With a healthy Kevin Kolb, the Cardinals have at least one starting quality QB. Chad Henne has reminded Jacksonville what a downfield pass looks like. The Jets, for all the media drama they get, are not worse for wares. Sanchez has actually thrown 12 TD’s this season. That’s as many as Brady Quinn has in his entire career. The Jets still even have a shot at the wild card.

Our vaunted defense is allowing an average of 27.1 points per game and is 25^th in the league with 24 sacks on the year. Woo. Hoo.

The story of our big rivalry game next week against the Raiders at O.co Stadium will be about how the outcome will affect the top of the draft. If Jacksonville beats Miami and we beat Oakland’s league-worst defense (by, I dunno, maybe trying to run the ball?), we’ll be tied with Oakland for the 1^st overall pick. I’m not an expert on the tie breakers after division record and head-to-head history, but wouldn’t that be amazing that if by beating the Raiders in their house we give them our most prized possession – the #1 pick? Leave it to the Chiefs to make even beating the Raiders into a bittersweet experience.

So there it is. That is all there really is to say about this team. We are hopelessly bad and we don’t know enough about what will happen with the front office to even be able to begin talking more specifically about the future.

Objectively, I would be amazed if the Pioli regime survives this turd of a year. Then again, I have no idea what’s swirling around in Clark Hunt’s meticulously coiffed head.

If Pioli is back, this is roughly how I envision the offseason unfolding.

1. First, trade the team’s 1^st overall pick to Arizona for former New England backup QB Brian Hoyer, thus shoring up the position for the long term. He’ll be a free agent, but you can never be too careful. Given that Hoyer was making just over $600,000 this year, we’ll have to make sure that he knows we are behind him long-term, so naturally we will have to take the tough decision to let Bowe and Albert walk so he can sign Hoyer for the long haul with tens of millions in guarantees. The price may be steep, but no price is too high for a backup with little interest on the open market who is acquainted with Pioli personally and knows the Jedi Patriot arts.
2. Clearly, Crennel has not performed well enough and the popular outrage and PR disaster is too much to deal with. Fire Crennel, and promote Brian Daboll to head coach. He knows the Patriot Way, and like any good cult or bad TV series, there’s one thing we know for sure – spinoffs always, always, always, always work.
3. Practice scowl.

1. To make sure the Chiefs have a competent backup to Hoyer, sign Ryan Lindley. For good measure, spit in Peyton Manning’s food again in case he was having second thoughts about even visiting Kansas City for a parley.
2. Consult voices in head.
3. To replace Bowe and Albert, call Oakland to see if they are shedding any players at those positions that the Chiefs can sign and count on. The more expensive the better.
4. Buy new Magic 8-Ball for the draft.
5. Begin negotiations to move the franchise to an offshore oil rig refashioned into a sea bass petting zoo called “The Whisker Pen.”
6. Buy a new suit jacket with wider shoulder pads. There are still some doors Pioli can fit through at Arrowhead.
7. Power nap.
8. Approach the Draft with new philosophy. Instead of doing exactly what the Magic 8-Ball says to do, do the exact opposite of what it says. Brilliant. High five.
9. Re-sign Jake O’Connell.
10. Give candid radio interview. Just kidding.
11. Lose every game in the 2013 season. Blame expectations and, by extension, fans.
12. Rinse.
13. Repeat.