The bad movies provide multiple warnings. Hell, some of the crap Hollywood turns out today are nothing but one warning after another, all ignored of course. By the end of some of these films, you’ve got to believe the audience actually starts rooting for the hero to get killed, simply because any human being stupid enough that continues to stay in the house after a ghost jumps out at them 30 times in two days doesn’t deserve to live.
But a good scary film knows not to lay it on too thick.
Take the Friday the 13th films. There is perhaps no better example of the classic harbinger of doom than crazy Ralph. He is featured in Friday the 13th 1 and 2. Ralph rides around on his bike and tells the campers that Crystal Lake has a “death curse” and calls the place “camp blood.” He is also fond of telling the campers that they are “doomed.”*
*Notice you never hear anybody use the word doomed unless you are watching a horror movie or reading the back of the DVD? “Wield” is also another one of these words. People only wield something in horror movies.
The great thing about Ralph and characters like him, is that he is the least credible person in town. He is the only one who knows the truth or cares to speak about it and yet the fact that he is bat-shit crazy means nobody will listen to him.
The fact is, they don’t want to believe him. The campers all want to go to Cyrstal Lake so they can drink beer, smoke pot and have premarital sex in an old wooden canoe on the middle of the lake in the middle of the night during a serious bout of fog.
In Friday the 13th, the early ones anyway, the main character doesn’t spend the movie having Jason or his mum jump out at her every five seconds. She gets a warning or two from Crazy Ralph and that is it. It isn’t until the end, when bodies start popping out of closets and swinging down from tree branches* that she realizes she’s in a world of hurt.
*Jason kills Ralph in F13 II by strangling him with some barbed-wire and stuffing him inside a pantry, where, you guessed it, he pops out later.
After last week’s horror show against the Atlanta Falcons, I can’t help but wondering if the Kansas City Chiefs have us all trapped in the most masterful of horror movies.
Chiefs fans are the unsuspecting campers. We were all set to go off and
drink beer, smoke pot and have premarital sex at win games with Scott Pioli and Romeo Crennel. Much like the teens in F13 were looking forward to their time without parental guidance at Camp Crystal Lake, we were looking forward to an entire football season with Jamaal Charles, Eric Berry, Brandon Flowers, Peyton Hillis, Derrick Johnson, Tamba Hali and Eric Winston. Heck, even Dontari Poe was going to be like the ugly chick who isn’t really ugly but nobody could tell because she wore glasses and dressed like a puritan.
It is even possible that we have our very own harbinger of doom.
Our very own Crazy Ralph.
That’s right. Todd Haley.
I mean, seriously. Look at him. Hasn’t bathed. Wears the same clothes all the time. Doesn’t shave. He’s clearly not balanced. All he needs is to come riding on a bicycle out from behind a creepy gas station in the middle of the woods and we’re ready to go.
Perhaps it was Haley who was trying to provide us all with a warning before Scott Pioli
strangled him with a piece of barbed-wire and shoved him in the pantry left town to become the offensive coordinator of the Pittsburgh Steelers.
KC Star reporter Kent Babb’s “Arrowhead Anxiety” article was clearly fueled by a cloak-and-dagger Haley. If there is one thing I’ve always admired about Babb, it is his willingness to go hang out under a bridge to talk with the crazies in order to get a story.
Anyway, the 2012 Chiefs season could be heading in any number of cinematic directions. It could be one of those cheesy underdog stories. You know the type. Remember the Titans, Bad News Bears and the like. It could be a romantic comedy in which the Chiefs fight tooth and nail to reach the playoffs only to have their hopes dashed in their final game, on the road in Denver when their current mate, Matt Cassel, is defeated by their summer fling, Peyton Manning.
Or it could be the horror movie.
But what kind of horror movie? One of the good ones where the main characters is in denial and doesn’t realize anything is wrong until they open the pantry to grab a box of Fruit Loops only to have Crazy Ralph’s mangled body pop out at them?
Or will it be one of the bad horror movies. The ones that give us warning (loss) after warning (loss) all season long so that by Week 10 we’re hoping the team loses the rest of its games so we can finally draft a franchise QB?
I, for one, am still holding out hope that we’re in the cheesy underdog story. Or at least the bloody romantic comedy.
I’m not going to lie. There are some bad omens floating around the Chiefs right now and I don’t like it. Don’t like it one bit.
Yet I’m choosing to believe in the Camp Crystal Lake dream for a little while longer. After all, it is only Week 2.
But if Todd Haley’s body comes popping out of the pantry this Sunday, we might want to consider making a run for it.