Are The Kansas City Chiefs Doomed?

Any movie buff will tell you that in any good horror movie, there is always some sort of foreshadowing or warning provided to the main characters.

The bad movies provide multiple warnings. Hell, some of the crap Hollywood turns out today are nothing but one warning after another, all ignored of course.  By the end of some of these films, you’ve got to believe the audience actually starts rooting for the hero to get killed, simply because any human being stupid enough that continues to stay in the house after a ghost jumps out at them 30 times in two days doesn’t deserve to live.

But a good scary film knows not to lay it on too thick.

Take the Friday the 13th films. There is perhaps no better example of the classic harbinger of doom than crazy Ralph. He is featured in Friday the 13th 1 and 2. Ralph rides around on his bike and tells the  campers that Crystal Lake has a “death curse” and calls the place “camp blood.” He is also fond of telling the campers that they are “doomed.”*

*Notice you never hear anybody use the word doomed unless you are watching a horror movie or reading the back of the DVD? “Wield” is also another one of these words. People only wield something in horror movies.

The great thing about Ralph and characters like him, is that he is the least credible person in town. He is the only one who knows the truth or cares to speak about it and yet the fact that he is bat-shit crazy means nobody will listen to him.

The fact is, they don’t want to believe him. The campers all want to go to Cyrstal Lake so they can drink beer, smoke pot and have premarital sex in an old wooden canoe on the middle of the lake in the middle of the night during a serious bout of fog.

In Friday the 13th, the early ones anyway, the main character doesn’t spend the movie having Jason or his mum jump out at her every five seconds. She gets a warning or two from Crazy Ralph and that is it. It isn’t until the end, when bodies start popping out of closets and swinging down from tree branches* that she realizes she’s in a world of hurt.

*Jason kills Ralph in F13 II by strangling him with some barbed-wire and stuffing him inside a pantry, where, you guessed it, he pops out later.

After last week’s horror show against the Atlanta Falcons, I can’t help but wondering if the Kansas City Chiefs have us all trapped in the most masterful of horror movies.

Chiefs fans are the unsuspecting campers. We were all set to go off and drink beer, smoke pot and have premarital sex at win games with Scott Pioli and Romeo Crennel. Much like the teens in F13 were looking forward to their time without parental guidance at Camp Crystal Lake, we were looking forward to an entire football season with Jamaal Charles, Eric Berry, Brandon Flowers, Peyton Hillis, Derrick Johnson, Tamba Hali and Eric Winston. Heck, even Dontari Poe was going to be like the ugly chick who isn’t really ugly but nobody could tell because she wore glasses and dressed like a puritan.

It is even possible that we have our very own harbinger of doom.

Our very own Crazy Ralph.

“Dis voyage is doomed…and you’re all gonna die!” -Todd Haley PC: John Rieger-US PRESSWIRE

That’s right. Todd Haley.

I mean, seriously. Look at him. Hasn’t bathed. Wears the same clothes all the time. Doesn’t shave. He’s clearly not balanced. All he needs is to come riding on a bicycle out from behind a creepy gas station in the middle of the woods and we’re ready to go.

Perhaps it was Haley who was trying to provide us all with a warning before Scott Pioli strangled him with a piece of barbed-wire and shoved him in the pantry left town to become the offensive coordinator of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

KC Star reporter Kent Babb’s “Arrowhead Anxiety” article was clearly fueled by a cloak-and-dagger Haley. If there is one thing I’ve always admired about Babb, it is his willingness to go hang out under a bridge to talk with the crazies in order to get a story.

Anyway, the 2012 Chiefs season could be heading in any number of cinematic directions. It could be one of those cheesy underdog stories. You know the type. Remember the Titans, Bad News Bears and the like. It could be a romantic comedy in which the Chiefs fight tooth and nail to reach the playoffs only to have their hopes dashed in their final game, on the road in Denver when their current mate, Matt Cassel, is defeated by their summer fling, Peyton Manning.

Or it could be the horror movie.

But what kind of horror movie? One of the good ones where the main characters is in denial and doesn’t realize anything is wrong until they open the pantry to grab a box of Fruit Loops only to have Crazy Ralph’s mangled body pop out at them?

Or will it be one of the bad horror movies. The ones that give us warning (loss) after warning (loss) all season long so that by Week 10 we’re hoping the team loses the rest of its games so we can finally draft a franchise QB?

I, for one, am still holding out hope that we’re in the cheesy underdog story. Or at least the bloody romantic comedy.

I’m not going to lie. There are some bad omens floating around the Chiefs right now and I don’t like it. Don’t like it one bit.

Yet I’m choosing to believe in the Camp Crystal Lake dream for a little while longer. After all, it is only Week 2.

But if Todd Haley’s body comes popping out of the pantry this Sunday, we might want to consider making a run for it.

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Tags: Kansas City Chiefs

  • Calchiefsfan

    You know that was just an awesome article Patrick. Maybe your best one yet. I enjoyed every word. Keep them coming.

    • Patrick Allen

      Thanks man. Had fun writing it.Usually don’t have a ton of time to write longer features but Chiefs news was a bit slow today.

  • DT58bestLBever

    I agree! Great read!
    Me and my wife are avid Horror film junkies, so this was great!
    I for one am hoping the 1st week wasn’t a warning, it was just to throw us off of who they really are!
    Like in “Devil” when you think it’s the Security Guard, then the awkward business man, then the guy who looked like he just got out of prison…. HA… It’s not!

    • Patrick Allen

      Thanks! I liked Devil but I felt like the payoff was kind of lacking. The suspense of most of the movie was great though.

      Did you see Let the Right One In/Let Me In?

      • DT58bestLBever

        I agree the ending was weak.
        I haven’t seen that one yet… Is it good?

      • DT58bestLBever

        I just watched the trailer’s for both, and I have seen “Let me in”!

    • Danny W

      It was the woman right?

      • DT58bestLBever

        The older woman.

        • Danny W

          Pretty crazy flick.

  • ladner morse

    You have to know this kind of journalism — rocks my socks off!
    Great read — I love it when you “hack your way” into the world of pop-culture metaphors and similes. A real “Clarice” piece… ever so sweetly done!

    • Danny W

      (Clarice )is this a Silence of the Lambs reference? Dude horror movies just aren’t what they used to be. I can imagine Hali telling a quarterback after a sack “It puts the lotion on the skin”then acting like he’s trying to eat the quarterbacks face.

  • Jim Harper

    Twilight adds another view when all the Cullens take a vote on whether or not to allow Bella to be changed and Jasper voted yes because “it will be nice not to want to kill you all the time which is how I feel about Cassel.

    • Danny W

      Turn in your man card Jim! Quoting twilight on a Chiefs board is a big time foul brother.

    • ArrowFan

      my wife made we watch all of them as well, barf.

  • sidibeke

    I’ll strangle myself with barbed wire if Crazy Haley pops out of my pantry.

    Nice work, Paddy.

  • KCMikeG

    Love the approach Paddy! Very creative and a fun read. We have to beat Haley on MNF or I may have to break out some barb wire.

  • Danny W

    I watched F13 one this month for the first time in 20 plus years. I didn’t remember any of it. So I’m pretty used to the modern movies were it is, apart from SAW’s still kinda PC on who lives and who doesn’t.
    I was making bets with my buddy on who was going to make it and we both agreed the weight lifter in the wheel chair was gonna live. Wow was I wrong. I also thought he (Jason) only killed with a knife. Nope. Dude killed with whatever he could get his hands on. Kinda refreshing looking at some of those old flicks and the no prisoners mentality they had. Really it kind of gives a movie like that credibility if that is even possible. Any way I think we start to call this season a nightmare if we don’t get Flowers back SOON! Limited in practice this week tells me it was much more than a foot bruise. Good read man really could relate since I watched the movie this month.

  • Chiefswatch

    To be honest I am really drunk right now so I cant make sense of this ariticle. I just hope its not saying we are going to become a bit of a horror story. That has me wondering however. Wat if we are terrible this year? What happens if we end up a 6-10 team? Eveyone is nearly to the point that a 9 win season is dissapointing. Holy shit what if we are worse? What will that mean for this Coaching staff, this GM, this franchise? Interesting…..

  • guest

    I see English is a second language to you, sir. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

  • ArrowFan

    On the other hand it could be like a Good Hero movie like say Rocky when the hero doesn’t know when he is supposed to give up because he has been beaten beyond recognition. Then some how he reaches down and finds the last little bit left in him somewhere beyond site. As a result he comes out victorious and yelling “Adrian” (“Hunt”) and holding the Lombardi.

    • DT58bestLBever

      In order for this Chiefs team to do that they have to find there heart! They certainly didn’t have it against the Falcons!

  • Raja Govindarajan

    Chiefs talents are overstated. our defensive line still sucks and cannot get anywhere close to the opposing quarterback. This Buffalo team beat the crap out of us last year and Chan Gailey will always treat the game agaisnt the Chiefs as a grudge match. Plus, just like us, the Bills were also expected to be ‘all that’ this year and a 0-2 start will be unaccepatble there too. With Saints and Ravens coming up, we could easily look at a 0-4 start.