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If The Chiefs Were Characters From Game Of Thrones

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So, after Paddy put together a great piece on the crucial offseason question: “If Chiefs Were Characters from the Wire,” I felt it necessary to move this important thought-experiment beyond the realist, Dickensian epic about the failures of city institutions to the world of fantasy. If there are any of you out there who still haven’t gotten hooked on Game of Thrones, get on it (but watch the first two episodes before passing judgment; the first one is a bit scatter-brained).

Furthermore, if you aren’t acquainted with the show, STOP READING THIS NOW, this is going to be chalk-full of spoilers.

 

Tamba Hali as Sandor Clegane, “The Hound”

"I smell Philip Rivers."

Tamba Hali is a big, scary, not-particularly-pretty man. He has been loyal to the Chiefs through leadership changes, which have included a variety of eccentric characters on the throne. Although he terrifies everyone around him, everyone that serves at his side realizes he is a man of honor who lives to massacre quarterbacks – just don’t get fire anywhere near him or he’ll go all Frankenstein on you.

Denny Medley-US PRESSWIRE

 

Todd Haley as Joffry Baratheon

Egotistical, sadistic, deluded and an awful tactician when it counts. On the plus side, um … cool crossbow?

David Butler II-US PRESSWIRE

 

Matt Cassel as Daenerys Targaryen

"You're not just going to throw out my appendix after the surgery, right? Whew, what a waste that would have been."

Essentially sold in a marriage-trade that was meant to allow the Chiefs to reconquer Westeros, Cassel spent 2009 powerless, being repeatedly raped behind a horrid offensive line with no friends or allies to throw to. But, after facing down trials and tribulations, Cassel grew in strength and confidence, giving birth to dragons and … breaking his hand and watching his division rival ride out his team to the lost year’s best victories … this metaphor needs some work.

John Rieger-US PRESSWIRE

 

Casey Wiegmann as Ser Rodrik Cassel (absolutely no relation to Matt Cassel)

"Roadkill is the new black."

Old, wizened and dependable. If it wouldn’t have gotten in the way for Casey’s gameplay, these two men would have undoubtedly shared the same hairstyle as they held down the fort defending the House of Stark. However, despite their reliability, at some point, it was time for some young gun to behead them both.

Michael Hickey-US PRESSWIRE

 

Jon McGraw as Tywin Lannister

"I just one deep back safetied your mom."

Although respected and decorated, these veterans have been outfoxed by younger, faster competition. However, with the game on the line, these old hands know how to pull out a victory.

Rob Grabowski-US PRESSWIRE

 

Dwayne Bowe as Bronn

"Right back at you Cassel. No, I don't think I'm going to aim for your 'general vicinity' with this one."

Not everyone likes him, his style or his attitude. But, everyone agrees, this man is damn effective at what he does.

Brian Spurlock-US PRESSWIRE

 

Scott Pioli as Petyr Baelish “Little Finger”

"As a matter of fact, yes, I do run a whore house."

The ultimate man behind the curtain, Pioli has used his suspicious seduction and mischief to build a winning team in record time. Everyone has to watch their back around this man.

Denny Medley-US PRESSWIRE

 

Dontari Poe as Gregor Clegane, “The Mountain”

"Ok, yes. I may have eaten one or two practice squad kickers. But, if you don't want me to eat special teamers, why do you leave them lying around all the time?!"

He is big, strong and furious. He can behead a horse with a single blow, and yet we’ve seen him do little more than lose jousts to effeminate challengers and guard a burnt-out prison camp. Will his amazing strength and power actually come to use on the battlefield?

Douglas Jones-US PRESSWIRE

 

Romeo Crennel as Tyrion Lannister

Seriously, why has no one made a similar mural for Crennel yet?

A master strategist with a heart of gold. While he has rarely gotten credit for his work, Crennel has been an essential part of the family and saved it from total destruction at the end of the season.

Denny Medley-US PRESSWIRE

 

Chan Gailey as Balon Greyjoy

"I left potato salad in the workroom fridge. I will take back what is mine."

What, you don’t see the resemblance? Aside from that, these two are bitter men who live in their cold miserable bitterness in the North, waiting to strike back revenge in Week 2.

Robert Mayer-US PRESSWIRE

 

Derrick Johnson as Khal Drogo

"My helmet protects you."

The Horse King will hurt you, and he will do it in the most badass way available to him. But, please, Chiefs medical personnel, do not resort to black magic to cure his infections.

 

Rob Grabowski-US PRESSWIRE

 

Barry Richardson as Samwell Tarly

"Time for my signature move -- Contagious Incompetence!"

Fat, whiney and utterly useless. I hope the White Walkers got ‘im at the end of last season.

Michael Hickey-US PRESSWIRE

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Tags: Chan Gailey Derrick Johnson Dontari Poe Dwayne Bowe Game Of Thrones Jon McGraw Matt Cassel Tamba Hali Todd Haley

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