I really wanted to write about the latest breaking news in Kansas City Chiefs football this week. There’s just one problem. There isn’t any. I turn on ESPN and the only football news I get is more Saints bountygate, blah, blah, blah. At this point I’m ready to put a bounty on anybody that tries to talk about bountygate one more time. We thought we had escaped the collective bargaining agreement once the lockout ended last summer, but now not even one year later we’ve got the players association crying that Roger Goodell has too much power when it comes to discipline issues.
I’M SORRY, WHO GAVE HIM THAT POWER?!?!?!?
I was under the impression that the players association actually had representatives that helped negotiate the deal and that the players as a group signed off on it. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about it because then I’d have to put a bounty out on myself. However, it did get me thinking.
What would I do if I had almighty power over the NFL?
Now that’s a game I can play to pass some time during the offseason. To me there are some simple changes that need to be made and I think I may just be the man for the job. So this week I’ll hit you up with my campaign platform for NFL Comissioner/Almighty King of the NFL Universe (this last part should be said by cupping your hands around your mouth, using the loudest/lowest voice possible, and then echoing “Universe” 2-3 times).
1. Let the players have some fun.
Here’s the thing, I think Goodell has it right when it comes to cleaning up the game. I’m fine with getting rid of the helmet to helmet hits and handing out harsh suspensions for players who break the rules. That’s all well and good, but you can only get away with that if the players are behind you. That will never happen if you don’t let the players have some fun. So the first part of my “fun campaign” is putting TD celebrations back in. You can choreograph whatever you want, use teammates, even use “props.” There would only be one game per week where the players wouldn’t be allowed to do TD celebrations and that’s Monday Night Football. Why you ask? Well for MNF I would hire both Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco, who both will be happy for a paycheck (Ocho’s done; he won’t make Miami’s final cut). Each one would be assigned one of the teams from the game that night and when their team scored, they would do a celebration right in front of Roger Goodell, who I would keep on the NFL payroll just so I could force him to sit on the sidelines for MNF games and have those two take turns doing ridiculous TD celebrations in front of him. Fans would then go online and vote on which of the two former diva WRs had the best celebrations that night and in the postgame they would announce the winner. Goodell would have to shake the winner’s hand and present him with a golden sharpie.
That should get the players on my side.
Just in case that’s not enough, I would also allow each team to pick two players each week that could tweet from the sideline. One from the offense and one from the defense. The team would pick the players so that way if they didn’t trust someone to control themselves, they could refuse to pick that guy. Also, players could only tweet when their side of the ball was off the field. Social media isn’t going away so you might as well embrace it and control its use.
2. Stop ripping fans off with the preseason games.
Roger Goodell has constantly tried to champion the NFL going to an 18 game regular season. He claims that its for the fans. Fans love regular season football. Fans don’t like paying regular season prices for preseason games. So naturally the only solution is to take away 2 preseason games and replace them with 2 regular season ones. WRONG!!!!! With players suing the NFL every other day for their health problems related to playing in the NFL and the league claiming they want to make the league safer, adding two more regular season games isn’t an option. The real solution is simple but Goodell will never stand up to the greedy owners to back it. CHARGE LESS FOR PRESEASON GAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here’s my plan:
The first two preseason games would be played at or near the team’s training camp facility. So the Chiefs would play one game in St. Joseph and one game at the training camp location of one of their preseason opponents. These games could still be televised, but admission would be open to the public at $5 per ticket. It would help the local economies of the training camp cities and allow fans from different areas to see NFL football at a price anyone can afford. The fans would be excited to be there and you could probably bring some new fans in since many training camps are held in areas that don’t have their own NFL team.
The second part of this plan is that the final two preseason games will be played in the regular NFL stadiums like they currently are. The difference is that NFL owners will be forced to charge half price for the tickets to these games. If a seat costs $100 in the regular season it costs $50 in the preseason. The owners could still charge full price for parking and concessions, but tickets must be half price.
The owners would throw a fit that I’m taking money out of their pockets, but if they don’t like it they can sell the team to someone else. After all, I’m the Almighty King of the NFL Universe (again, hands cupped, echo, etc.).
3. The Pro Bowl must be completely revamped.
Okay, the Pro Bowl is a joke. The fans know it. The players know it. Roger Goodell knows it. Fans tune in because they just love anything that has to do with NFL football. Here’s what I’m going to do. The game is gone. There is no football game. We’ll still call it the Pro Bowl for tradition’s sake, but it will actually be a position by position skills competition. It will be moved back to the weekend after the Super Bowl so that players from the Super Bowl teams could compete. What would happen is that each position would do a series of combine-esque drills. There would be a scoring system for each drill and after all of that position’s drills the player with the highest score would be named that year’s Pro Bowl Champion at their position. This would come with a hefty cash award so the players would be motivated both by the money and for bragging rights. Tell me you wouldn’t rather watch Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Ben Roethlisberger, Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, and Eli Manning battle it out in a series of passing contests more than that sorry game of touch football that the Pro Bowl has become.
So there you go, Addicts, that’s my platform for being Almighty King of the NFL Universe (you know the drill by now). Do I have your vote? Who’s with me? Do you have your own platform? Are you interested in running against me? I’d love to hear your thoughts. So hit me up in the comments section with your ideas.
As always, thanks for reading and GO CHIEFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!