A Rookie Fan’s Primer on the Chiefs

In the several months that I’ve been lucky enough to write for Arrowhead Addict, I have acquired a few new readers (thanks Mom and Dad!). Some of these readers are not as well-versed (read: insanely focused, in an almost clinical way) on the Chiefs; their storied history; biographies of all current players going back to elementary school; and every obscure statistic related to offense, defense and special teams (here, I am not talking about my Dad, who introduced me to the Chiefs via season tickets in the early 70s. Mom, this column is mostly for you). If you are lucky enough not to be an Addict, we know that you have upwards of 40-50 hours a week more than Addicts do to, well, have a life. We also know that you are probably capable of carrying on an adult conversation, with other actual real adults, without once mentioning the 1970 Super Bowl, how much of a turd Larry Johnson was, or why the Chiefs defense is so much better in a 3-4 rather than the 4-3 of old. We envy you.

But we also know that sometimes, you wish you had a short, glib sentence or two that would make you sound Addict-like, for those situations where you may find yourself, whether by accident, fate or design, in the company of one or more Addicts. This week’s post is for you then: a short primer on the Chiefs for newbie fans, or Everything You Need to Know about the Chiefs in 1,000 Words or Less. I’ve put this in an easy-to-remember, Frequently-Asked-Questions format. Think of this like Cliffs Notes meets “How to learn conversational Spanish in 10 days.” Here we go!

Who’s the best team in the NFL, or even on Planet Earth? Your Kansas City Chiefs.

What was the greatest moment in the history of the world? The 1970 Super Bowl in which the Kansas City Chiefs defeated the Minnesota Vikings (bonus point: the second greatest moment in the history of the world was when Derrick Thomas sacked Dave Krieg of the Seattle Seahawks SEVEN times – in ONE GAME! – in 1990).

But what was the greatest moment in the history of the world, in the 21st Century? Oh, that’s easy.  September 13, 2010. Home-opener on Monday Night Football. Kansas City Chiefs 21, San Diego Chargers, 14 (bonus point: tied for second place are the inventions of the iPod/iTunes/iPad and Facebook and the proliferation of google.com).

What does it mean when the guy in the black and white striped shirt throws that yellow hankie? The guy is called a “referee” or “ref” for short. The yellow hankie simply notes that the Oakland Raiders are playing.

Why are touchdowns seven points and field goals three points? Next question please.

What do you think about the new rules to enhance player safety? Long time coming.

Who is the Chiefs’ coach? Who is the owner? The Chiefs are coached by Romeo Crennel [important: resist the urge to make a “Romeo and Juliet” joke here]. The owner is Clark Hunt, the son of the late Lamar Hunt, who founded the American Football League and the Kansas City Chiefs. Clark has fantastic hair.

How did the Chiefs do in the draft this year? The Chiefs did well. They filled a critical “need” and really added “depth” to both lines. They got “stronger” and “faster,” which should help their “smashmouth” approach and overall “team speed.”

What do the Chiefs need to do to win this year? Well, (a) Matt Cassel (rhymes with Jim Fassel) needs to “hit the open man” and not “check down” so often; (b) Justin Houston needs to help Tamba Hali (TOM-ba ha-LEE) put “pressure on the quarterback”; and (c) Brandon Flowers needs to continue to be a “lock down cornerback” with Eric Berry “roving the middle.”

Which Chiefs player will make it to the Pro Bowl this year? [slight sneer and condescending laugh] Well, you know, they may not even have a Pro Bowl this year. The players don’t want it, the owners don’t want it, the fans don’t want it, and I certainly don’t want it.

What do you think about Peyton Manning joining the AFC West? Manning should have retired when he was on top. Now he’s a Denver Donkey (say it naturally, like you’ve said it before) and only God can help him now (bonus point: but now God hates Denver because they traded away Tebow (TEE-bow)) [roll your eyes].

What do you think of the new Arrowhead Stadium? You know, with 79,451 seats, the new Arrowhead Stadium is the fourth largest NFL stadium in the country. Ever since it opened on August 12, 1972 with a game against the then St. Louis Cardinals, it’s been the very best stadium in America [bonus point: recite your favorite meal and adult beverage and then nonchalantly add the sentence, “It’s amazing what you can cook in the parking lot over a bed of coals and some tinfoil when it’s 7 degrees out.”]

Who do you think will win the Super Bowl this year? Certainly, the Chiefs will win the AFC. I think this year, the Packers, Giants, Lions, 49ers or Falcons could each win the NFC. I think the Packers pull it out. But in a rematch of Super Bowl I, this time, the Chiefs win!

What do you think Addicts? Did i miss anything?!