Welcome to Arrowhead, Mr. Luck

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Luck is looking sure and smug. He’s a sure-and-smug Luck. He’s a Schmuck. He’s had a remarkably good rookie year: a 58% completion percentage, 21 touchdowns and 15 interceptions. But the Colts are just awful. Losing veteran leaders Joseph Addai, Pierre Garcon and, of course, Peyton Manning hurts, no matter who you are. And new Defensive Coordinator Greg Manusky, who inherited a defense that allowed a 71% completion rate by opposing quarterbacks, gave up 25 touchdowns and had just 8 interceptions, didn’t even get to see a defensive draft pick until the fifth round. To rub salt in the wound, of the Colts’ 10 draft picks this year, the defense got just two new players. In the Colts cafeteria, the defense only gets to eat whatever’s left over after the offense has had two servings.

The Chiefs game plan is simple. Harass Luck and throw the ball. A lot. Here are your gameday highlights!

The Colts win the toss and elect to defer. Adam Vinatieri, who is three times the age of rookie Chiefs’ return specialist Devon Wylie, boots a long kick that Wylie catches two yards deep. Without any hesitation, Wylie runs left, towards an arcing Dexter McCluster. Wylie executes a perfect fake handoff, making two racing Colts tacklers stutter step for a half a second. That’s all Wylie needs – he burst up the left sideline, gets a tremendous block from Shane Bannon who has emerged as a punishing special teams player, and only has one Colt to beat on his way to the end zone. It’s going to be close – the last Colt defender is angling towards Wylie…he’s gaining ground and it looks like he chose the right angle…but alas, all that Vinatieri can do is shake his cane at him as Wylie races past him and into the end zone, his 4th kickoff return for a touchdown this year! Irsay tweets, “Was that Shane Bannon or Bruce Bannon?! Zoinks!”

Later in the first quarter, Luck is running for his life with Justin Houston hot on his heels. Luck tries a wild throw to his old Stanford tight end and Colts second round pick, Coby Fleener, but DJ steps in front of Fleener, snatches the ball, is able to turn around and ask Fleener, “is that really your real name?” and brings it all the way to the Colts 20. From there, Cassel executes a perfect corner fade to Jonathan Baldwin, who catches the ball so high in the air it looks like he’s standing on the shoulders of flailing Colts cornerback Kevin Thomas. Baldwin grazes both feet just inside the end zone for a score, as Thomas breaks down sobbing. Baldwin politely hands the ref the ball, and trots to the sideline. He’s been there before.

Manusky is just going berserk on the sideline, but you gotta feel for the guy (Irsay: “Greg, calm down. Why don’t u come upstairs and have a strawberry smoothie w/ me?”). Manusky benches his entire starting secondary, and brings in former Indiana Pacers Reggie Miller at left cornerback. He then subs in Vivaca Fox, Brendan Fraser and US Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts as right cornerback, strong safety and free safety respectively, because all of them were born in Indiana and clearly, at this point, can do no worse than the current Colts’ defensive backfield.

To start the second half, Luck gets the ball back, and promptly throws it into the hands of Brandon Flowers. The backstory: Luck gets the snap, does a seven step drop, and is accompanied by Dontari Poe every step of the way, like they were dancing an intimate tango, Poe just literally pancaked Samson Satele, their new offseason acquisition to replace Jeff Saturday. Satele played for the last three years at Oakland, so he’s already had 6 false start penalties today (Irsay: “Satele, you’re FIRED! Trump’s got nothin on me. LOL. JK but not really!)”. Poe is about to benchpress Luck’s chest into the ground but the little guy escapes, his usually calm demeanor flecked with spittle and terror. Luck is holding the ball so tightly, you can see permanent indentations in the leather. He throws a wildly flapping duck that is actually spinning sideways like a helicopter rotor, right to Brandon, who has so much time that he lets the ball spin on his finger like Meadowlark Lemon and rolls it up and down his arms like a trick frisbee player. Flowers moonwalks into the end zone, in honor of Michael Jackson, another Indiana native.

Late in the fourth quarter and with the Chiefs up 49-0, Vinatieri hobbles onto the field, spits out his Metamucil, and calmly boots a 63 yard field goal, tying him for the longest kick ever in the NFL (Irsay: “Nice kick Adam! Didn’t realize u were still on the team. Thought we axed all the veterans. Anyways, u can stay. Have a nice day.”)

Vinatieri is wheeled out to the thirty yard line for the kickoff, but because he no longer wants to kick the ball to Wylie, he boots it literally out of the stadium, like those original Michael Vick commercials for Powerade (<a href=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu8XNJmQsCI”>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu8XNJmQsCI</a>). But in a surprise move, Romeo quietly puts Wylie in the Gold C Parking Lot. Wylie catches the ball, sprints through the players tunnel and returns his fifth kickoff for a score as time expires. Chiefs win 56-3!

What do you think, Addicts? How will we fare against Andrew Luck and the Colts in our 15th game?

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