Five Underhanded Ways The Chiefs Can Beat The Patriots
The Kansas City Chiefs have almost no hope of defeating the New England Patriots tonight on Monday Night Football. KC has lost their starting QB, S, TE and HB to injuries. Three of those players were Pro Bowlers in 2010. The Chiefs are a shell of the team that won the AFC West a season ago.
Still, this is the NFL, and the Chiefs can’t give up. Strange things happen all the time in this league. To help soften the blow of what could be a very ugly game for KC fans, I’ve come up with five underhanded ways the Chiefs might be able to beat the Pats.
Hope springs eternal. This is how it could go down.
1. Romeo Steps Up
The Patriots win the toss and defer, figuring they can break the Chiefs’ offensive will rather quickly.
They are right.
The Chiefs open the game with a run by Battle for five yards. They follow that up with a Thomas Jones run for -5 yards and a Dexter McCluster draw play for a yard. Barry Richardson jumps offsides on the draw, however the penalty is declined.
The Pats then get the ball and move down the field rather quickly for a TD. The drive is highlighted by four missed tackles by Sabby Piscitelli.
New England 7, Kansas City 0.
On KC’s next drive, Todd Haley decides to impose his will on the New England defense and runs Thomas Jones up the middle three times for two yards. The Chiefs punt.
The Patriots score on their first offensive play following the punt after Sabby Piscitelli forgets he is playing football and decides to take a phone call after the snap. Rome Crennel accordingly loses his shit, takes away Sabby’s iPhone and smashes him in the face with it. Crennel then hulks up, lifts Piscitelli above his head and throws him at Patriots QB Tom Brady. Both Brady and Piscitelli suffer ACL injuries in the collision. Crennel is ejected, Brady leaves on the cart and Piscitelli is credited with his first tackle of the season.
New England 14, Kansas City 0.
2. Battle Forces A Depth Chart Change
During the commotion with Crennel, Brady and Shabby, Jackie Battle swipes Todd Haley’s clipboard and takes a red pen to his depth chart. He moves Thomas Jones from “starter” on the RB depth chart to “water boy.”
Jones’ spell over Todd Haley is immediately broken. With Battle now first on the depth chart, Haley is forced to run him over and over again on the next drive. The Chiefs march down the field with Battle averaging four yards per carry and with Tyler Palko completing short, low risk passes to Bowe and Breaston. On third and two from the New England 17, Battle runs a counter and breaks it for a TD.
Todd Haley remarks to Mo Carthon that Battle is doing a good job of “doing everything we ask him to do.” He then tells Thomas Jones to go get him a glass of water.
New England 14, Kansas City 7
3. Secondary Steps Up In Run Defense
With Brady out of the game, the pace of the game really slows down as the Patriots turn to their running game. After a couple of punts from both sides, Benjarvis Green-Ellis breaks a long run along the KC sideline while being closely pursued by Brandon Flowers.
Green-Ellis is just ten yards from pay dirt when he unexpectedly trips over the injured Sabby Piscitelli who nobody ever bothered to cart off the field. Green-Elli’s foot lands on Piscitelli’s knee, blowing out his other ACL. The Patriots RB is so startled by Piscitlli’s cry of pain that he fumbles the ball into the waiting arms of Brandon Flowers who turns around and goes 90 yards for a score.
Haley tells Carthon that the play is the result of his preseason conditioning plan and Picitelli is credited with his second tackle of the season.
New England 14, Kansas City 14 at the half.
4. Stanzi Runs For Freedom
At halftime things get tense in the KC locker room when Thomas Jones demands to be told why he has been demoted to water boy. Todd Haley tells Jones he will “only talk about players on the depth chart.” Jones freaks out and in a fit of locker room leadership, throws a giant metal therapy tub across the room. The tub nearly hits WR Jon Baldwin in the head but after pervious locker room experiences with Jones, Baldwin is ready for it. He ducks and the tub slams into Tyler Palko’s face, knocking the scrunchy right out of his hair.
With Palko out cold, Ricky Stanzi is forced to take over as the team’s starting QB.
The Chiefs get the ball to start the second half. In the huddle, Steve Breaston tells Stranzi that before the game, he heard the Patriots mascot, who is standing behind the opposite endzone, bad mouthing the United States of America.
On the next play, Stanzi takes off on a QB scramble straight through the heart of the Patriots defensive line. After crossing the goal line for a TD, Stanzi screams “love it or leave it” before clothes-lining the mascot and delivering a Hulk Hogan leg drop.
Todd Haley tells Carthon that Stanzi is “becoming a good player.”
Kansas City 21, New England 14
5. Last Minute Heroics
Amazed that he is somehow losing to the Chiefs, Bill Belichick dials up a flea flicker that ends in a Wes Welker TD. The ever-aggressive Belichick goes for two and the Patriots take the lead 22-21 with only 50 seconds remaining.
New England kicks off and Stanzi and the Chiefs get the ball at their own 40 after a long run back by Javier Arenas. The team gets in the huddle and waits for the play call from Bill Muir.
Only it never comes.
On the sideline, Thomas Jones tells Haley that he has received a telegraph from Muir.
“Dear Todd,
This Monday Night Football stuff is for the birds. Stop.
It is well past my bedtime. Stop.
Going home to get some rest. Stop.
See you on Tuesday. Stop.
Bill”
In a panic, Haley consults a flow chart provided to him by former Chiefs coach Herm Edwards. The flow chart is supposed to tell Haley what to do in certain situations. Haley follows the chart down to “your hideously old offensive coordinator goes to bed early during a MNF game” where the instructed course of action is to “call three consecutive time outs,” which Haley does.
On the next play, Barry Richardson falls over backwards, allowing Stanzi to be sacked for a loss of 18 yards. Richardson rises to “block” for the next down when he is suddenly shot in the knee by someone in the crowd. Play is momentarily stopped as police investigate and Richardson is loaded into an ambulance. A man in a #7 jersey with a cast on his hand is seen fleeing the stadium moments after the shooting.
Play resumes. The Chiefs are out of time outs and have no offensive coordinator. Todd Haley calls up to his boss Scott Pioli, asking advice on what to do as the clock ticks down. Pioli tells Haoey “not to do anything rash” and urges a play that features “substance over sizzle.”
Haley signals for Stanzi to run a draw with Dexter McCluster.
Meanwhile in the huddle, McCluster urges Stanzi to throw the ball deep because “I’ll just get tackled and fumble if you give it to me.”
Stanzi changes the play to a Hail Mary and sends Bowe, Breaston, Baldwin, McCluster and Pope deep.
Stanzi snaps the ball. The Patriots blitz from the right side but it is masterfully picked up by new RT Jared Gaither.
Stanzi lets the ball fly.
All of the KC receivers and a crowd of New England defenders group together around the five yardline waiting for the ball to come down as the clock hits 0…
Four days earlier:
Brad Nesler: Once again, thank you for joining us here on NFL Network for Thursday Night Football. The Jets are currently leading the Denver Broncos but Tim Tebow has been leading a furious comeback.
The Broncos face a 2nd and 10 from their own 34 yardline. Tebow back to pass…he’s got Royal wide open down the sideline…oh my. Man alive that was a bad pass by Tebow. I’m not even sure where that one came down, are you Mike?
Mike Mayock: Brad, it didn’t. That was a terrible, terrible throw by Tebow. That ball is probably out in the parking lot somewhere.
Meanwhile, back on Monday Night Football:
Mike Tirico: And this for the game. Stanzi back to pass, he puts up the Hail Mary…Bowe, Breaston and Baldwin all crowded together…wait…Bowe’s breaking off from the group…I think the others have lost the ball in the lights…wait…BOWE’S got the ball! Bowe catches the ball in the endzone. The Chiefs win!
John Gruden: Hold on, Mike. The Patriots players are pointing to the sidelines. They’re saying Stanzi’s pass went out of bounds.
Mike Trico: Belichick is livid. He wants and explanation from the officials. Bowe celebrating a TD…
Gruden: I’ve never seen anything like this Mike.
Mike Trico: The Patriots are arguing there were two balls in play at the same time…
Gruden: Dwayne Bowe. I like that guy! Watch here on the replay as he’s watching the ball Stanzi threw…now here the ball goes out of frame…then you see Bowe turn his head and start running away from the group here. And this is where the ball comes down. What field awareness by Bowe!
Mike Trico: But that ball came from a totally different angle…Where did that other ball come from?
John Gruden: Bowe. I really like that guy.
Mike Trico: Officials saying the play is unreviewable. The Chiefs win. Unbelievable finish! Literally unbelievable!
Kansas City 28, New England 22!
Ok, so maybe things won’t shake out that way. Probably only HALF of the stud on this list could happen.
Like the last bit.
What about you, Addicts? By what underhanded methods would you like to see the Chiefs win tonight?