Wanted: The person or persons responsible for the murder of the 2011 Kansas City Chiefs home opener.
But first, we have to read you your rights.
You have the right to be really angry. Anything you say or do may make you feel better but it won’t make the Chiefs better. You have the right to vent your frustrations and engage in friendly, thereputic debate with other Chiefs fans on Arrowhead Addict. If you cannot do so in a respectful manner, without cursing and hurling personal insults, you will be asked to leave. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?
Dons and Bosses:
Scott “Substance Over Sizzle” Pioli
Occupation: GM, Mafia Don, Savior, Genius, Guy from New England
Pioli is being investigated for a number of crimes, including not being aggressive enough in free agency, drafting poorly and for not being Bill Belichick.
He was brought in for questioning but did not answer any of them.
Todd “It’s All Part Of The Plan” Haley
Occupation: Head football coach, amateur golfer, Grump, Curmudgeon, President of the Thom Jones Fan Club, Former President of the Mike Brown Fan Club, Secretary of the Sabby Piscitelli Alliance
Haley is wanted for questioning in the disappearance of Jon Baldwin, the appearance of Sabby Piscitelli, the kidnapping and imprisonment of Jamaal Charles, and for wearing a skull cap in doors. He is also being investigated for his role in what officials are calling “The Kansas City Chiefs Preseason Ponzi Scheme.” The scheme was said to pay dividends to players in fans without any work earned on the practice field.
He was brought in for questioning, but pretended not to understand any of the questions. Possible insanity defense.
Bill “Father Time” Muir
Occupation: Offensive Coordinator, Offensive Line Coach, Old Man
The heir to the Dick Curl “QB destroying, offensive futility cartel,” Muir is wanted for minding his own business and doing what he is told. He’s also wanted for being really, really old.
Investigators fear Muir may have literally fallen asleep on the job during Sunday’s game. An undercover agent close to Muir claims Muir told him “God can make it rain food, but he can’t make you eat it.” Our insider claims Muir was referring to the offense’s lack of ability to execute the simplest of plays.
Muir was brought in for questioning but investigators found that his mouth had been sewn shut.
Clark “McDuck” Hunt
Occupation: Owner, Entrepreneur, Parking Lot Baron
Hunt is wanted for conspiracy to ruin Todd Haley’s offseason practice and conditioning program by partaking in boring and otherwise unnecessary labor disputes with his employees.
He is also being investigated for being “cheap” but the investigation is ongoing.
Police went to Hunt’s home to bring him in for questioning, but he was at a soccer match.
Underlings and Soldiers:
Matt “Check Down” Cassel
Occupation: Franchise QB?
Cassel is wanted for checking down way too much, responding poorly to pressure and for missing wide open receivers. The cause of this behavior could be environmental.
Cassel was brought in for questioning. He said only that he’d give “110%” the next time.
Dexter “Pipsqueek” McCluster
Occupation: RB? WR? Reach?
McCluster is wanted for being too small to play in the NFL. He’s wanted for not being able to hold on the football and for being taken too early in the draft.
McCluster is at a juvenile detention center, and thus his case is no open to the public.
Jerheme “Just a Guy” Urban
Occupation: WR, Welfare Recipient
Wanted for impersonating a wide receiver.
When police attempted to arrest Urban, he fled. Police apprehended him quickly, however, after a brief, low-speed foot chase.
Sabby “Who the F is Sabby Piscitelli” Piscitelli
Occupation: Safety, Mike Brown Impersonator, Fraud
Wanted for impersonating a football player.
Piscitelli was apprehended by police. He was taken behind the barn and shot without questioning.
Wanted for not mattering.
Police wanted to question the preseason about whether or not it mattered. Unfortunately, the preseason is over.
Investigators are now looking into “It’s Just The First Game” to find out if it matters.
If you have any information on the murder of the Chiefs regular season home opener, please leave them in the comments.