The Chiefs' 2011 Season Finally Begins: A Mad-Libs Pep Talk

As of the time of this post, the kick off of the Kansas City Chiefs’ 2011 season is a mere 120 hours away. It had been my intention, in a final effort at unbridled optimism before the first game starts, to put together the ultimate Season-Opening Pep Talk. Instead, since we’re all in this together, from the highs of last season to the lows of the lockout to whatever the hell you might call this preseason, I decided it would be better if we all write our own.

But to help, I composed this quick-n-easy Mad Lib. For anyone who doesn’t remember how this works, it’s pretty simple: Just fill in the first word that comes to mind after each prompt on the list, and then match it to the corresponding space(s) in the form that follows. If it all works out, you should have yourself a perfectly uplifting speech* to rally your spirits for Sunday!

*Special thanks to The Sports Cliché List for help in structuring a more authentically stereotypical pep talk.

  1. Favorite NFL team: __________
  2. A 2010 AFC playoff team, other than the Chiefs or Ravens: __________
  3. A number between 52 and 54: __________
  4. A southern California city known for its zoo and…well, it’s a great zoo: __________
  5. A player from the Chiefs’ 2010 roster whose absence is most critical this year: __________
  6. Noun meaning “the faculty or activity of imagining things that are impossible or improbable:” __________
  7. The number at which teenage girls celebrate a “sweet” birthday and blackjack dealers must hit: __________
  8. A Michigan city famous for economic devastation and Eminem: __________
  9. Noun, one syllable, short for “male sibling:” __________
  10. Adjective meaning “with a quality similar to that of excrement:” __________
  11. The plan one uses for the game: __________
  12. The Kansas City Chiefs’ home stadium: __________
  13. Favorite Kansas City barbecue establishment: __________
  14. MFCEO Kenny Powers’s Director of Marketing: __________
  15. A 2010 NFC playoff team from the NFC North: __________
  16. The only NFL team that plays its home games in New York: __________
  17. Noun meaning “a joke exploiting the different possible meanings of a word or the fact that there are words that sound alike but have different meanings:” __________
  18. A young running back who holds the record for best season yards-per-carry average behind Jim Brown: __________
  19. The kind of guessing that happens after the first-guessing: __________
  20. The Chiefs’ most important rookie: __________
  21. The player who will be most improved in 2011: __________
  22. Something teenage couples do in their parents’ basement, often in “dry” form, perhaps on a Wednesday, which is known as “this” day: __________
  23. An important facet of the offense: __________
  24. Something bad that could happen when the defense is on the field: __________
  25. Long, curved bones that form a cage around the chest cavity: __________
  26. Flowing bodies of water such as the Mississippi, the Amazon, and the Nile, collectively: __________
  27. Noun meaning “a punishment or assault in which the victim is hit repeatedly:” __________
  28. A letter of the alphabet between “H” and “J:” __________
  29. Coach Todd Haley’s signature style of facial hair: __________
  30. A number between 0 and 2: __________

 

 

 THE SEASON BEGINS: A PEP TALK

“Alright, ____(1)____ fans— in just a few short days, these games will start to count! There’s no more time for ____(19)____! Sure, this has been a ____(10)____ preseason. And I know, we’re going into this without ____(5)____. And damn it, yes, ____(14)____’s dinged up. But the only ____(25)____ I want to hear about are the ones you’ll be picking up at ____(13)____ to bring to the tailgate. Ya got me?

“Week One. It’s a fresh start. And the ____(1)____ are in a ____(7)____-way tie for the top seed in the AFC! And dammit, I like our chances to stay there! You think I’m living in a ____(6)____ land, do ya? Well, let’s realize what we do have. For starters, how many football teams would kill for just one game with the likes of ____(18)____ on their side? And I’m not talking about ____(6)____ football teams! (And let’s not forget that an old friend returns to the sideline for the first time since last year: Todd Haley’s ____(29)____ is back, baby!)

“Okay, first up: ____(16)____.  If you ask me, these ____(16)____ are due* for a ____(27)____!

*See, that there’s a ____(17)____. No? Really? Nothin’? Oh, why do I even bother with you people…?

“Sure, we’re taking it ____(30)____ game at a time. But if we can get over the ____(22)____, we’ll head up to ____(8)____ with some momentum, take care of business there, and then, by Week Three in ____(4)____, ____(14)____ could be staring down Ol’ Man ____(26)____ with that gleam in his eye. Yeah, you heard right: ‘Come at me, ____(9)____!’

“I’m tellin’ ya, it ain’t gonna be easy from there, either. Sure, that game against ____(2)____ is going to be brutal, and let’s not even worry about ____(15)____ right now. The ____(1)____ will have to establish the ____(23)____, cut back on ____(24)____, and hope to hell that ____(20)____ develops ahead of schedule. But you can take this to the bank: ____(21)____ is going to have a hell of a year!

“And if all ____(3)____ can pull together—remember, there is no ____(28)____ in “TEAM!”—and if the ____(1)____ can stick to the ____(11)____, then one thing will be for certain: The road to Super Bowl XLVI will go through ____(12)____.

“Go ____(1)____!!!”

 

P.S. Happy Birthday, Dad!

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