Jay-Z, with his boy L-Jay.

No More "Hard Knocks" Life For Chiefs


 

WARNING: This post ends with a bad rap parody.

It’s hard to believe, maybe, that this week marks the four-year anniversary of the debut of HBO’s Hard Knocks: Training Camp with the Kansas City Chiefs. In fact, to celebrate,* the NFL Network broadcast a HK:TCWTKCC marathon yesterday. For one day, it was August 2007 all over again, and the whole gang was there: Herm Edwards, of course, and Gunther “%&#^@!” Cunningham, along with the stars of the show: Turk and Tank. Boomer Grigsby. The Croyles (mostly Kelli). And poor, poor Bobby Sippio.

*”To celebrate” is one way to put it. “To kill six dead hours in the middle of a Monday” is another.

It can also be hard to remember that, at the time, things didn’t look so bad. There was hope. We were coming off a 2006 season in which the Chiefs—though some of you, I’m sure, got “this thing twisted and think we backed into this deal”were a playoff team, with an All-Pro running back that had just lead the league in carries and finished second in yards. Meanwhile, All-World tight end Tony Gonzalez had been signed to a five-year extension. And now, HBO was reviving its acclaimed NFL training-camp reality series and wanted to feature the Chiefs and only the Chiefs—and had been spending the whole summer hyping it.

No, we didn’t know at that moment just how hard we would all be knocked over the next three years. As late as that Halloween, it still seemed like we would continue to have something to root for. First, there were those 24 unanswered second-half points in San Diego to erase a double-digit halftime deficit. Then, in a very sloppy game in Oakland, the Chiefs outlasted the Raiders to prevail 12-10, securing a 4-3 record and, heading into their bye week, first place in the AFC West. That was October 21, 2007.

The Chiefs would not win again until September 28, 2008. They would lose 12 games in a row and 28 of their next 30, getting outscored 808-499 during that stretch—though the close, late-game losses would be the most pathetic and painful.

(You know, just in case you didn’t remember all that.)

But the point is that now, four years later, though we may whine and moan about our young Chiefs’ growing pains, we also have much to cheer. Which means it’s time for another parody.

So with all apologies* to Jaz-Z for hijacking his original (and to Charles Strouse and Martin Charnin, who co-wrote the original original), please enjoy, if possible. Just don’t ask me to perform it for you.

NO MORE “HARD KNOCKS” LIFE
(2011 TRAINING CAMP ANTHEM)

Check the O-line out, uh-huh
See ‘em jiggle (bounce wit it), uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh, yeeeah
Fill some holes, though…

No more “Hard Knocks” life (uh-huh) for us!
S’much better now than it was
‘Steada Herman—we got Todd
‘Steada “King Carl”—we got “God”
No more “Hard Knocks” life!

From the depths of oh-seven, losin’
The Hermanator Days bringin’ sadness like we’d never seen
Now cruisin’ into ‘leven with a posse knowin’ how to win
Lockout’s over! Yo, now we’ll see, when the season start clean
You know “Chiefs Will,” when Haley’s crew display the skill, in for the kill
Right fifty-three? Lookin’ right enough for me—eff that
Pioli puttin’ pieces into place, let’s go
Carl the King is dead, so rally ‘round the Cassel—come at me, bro
Hali, got ‘im locked up five years to life, what a coup
All 91 now, don’t need no 69—Jared who?
And only cost sixty mil; free agents ain’t free (uh-huh)
But with twenty mil to spare, won’t bust a cap on sal’ry (uh-huh)
More targets comin’: Baldwin, Breaston runnin’ free
‘Longside Charles, D-Bowe, and hey that’s Tony M, not Tony G, baby!
You know it’s back on when they bust through
The life and times of Chiefs Nation, Volume Two (Y’all Addicts get ready…)

No more “Hard Knocks” life, K.C.
All that s**t is history!
Rebirth for the Gold and Red
At the (still) new Arrowhead
No more “Hard Knocks” life!

Let’s flow for those months missed; all the playaz
Locked out by fat-cat owners, controllin’ the house
Now no more hard knocks, but out in St. Joe practicin’ blocks
Yeah there’s work to do, the schedule’s damn brutal, roger that
First place, we play the best—no more spankin’ the NFC West
Must pass this test, and all invest, playin’ with heart and soul
And always manage the clock
The road to the top depends on whether we perform or not
Opponents lukewarm to hot, with plenty of awe and shock
Just a handful of games you could call a lock
Then the Pats in the ‘borough, Monday Night ‘Diego’s back
The Steelers come on through, and damn, is that the Pack?
Can never overlook the Ponies, and the Raiders ain’t no more phonies
But even still, destiny’s ours only, s***
So first the Bills, and then the playoff run’s improvin’
As we knock off ev’ry team that’s movin’!

No more “Hard Knocks” life this year
Glory days are almost here
Say it loud: “Come at us, bro!”
Headin’ for the Super Bo’!
No more “Hard Knocks” life, K.C.
All that s**t is history!
New life for the Gold and Red
See you all at Arrowhead!
No more “Hard Knocks” life!

Dick's Sporting Goods presents "Hell Week":

Tags: Arrowhead Addict Arrowhead Stadium Brodie Croyle Carl Peterson Chiefs Denver Broncos Dwayne Bowe Herm Edwards Jamaal Charles Jared Allen Jay-Z Larry Johnson Matt Cassel NFL Lockout Oakland Raiders Patriots Pittsburgh Steelers San Diego Chargers Scott Pioli Tamba Hali Todd Haley Tony Gonzalez Tony Moeaki