EVERYWHERE — In a not so shocking turn of events, NFL fans all over the United States issued a joint statement directed at the NFL owners and players Friday.
“The NFLFBA (National Football League Fanbase of America) would like to wish all the citizens of this great country a safe and happy 4th of July weekend,” read the statement.
“Except for you NFL owners and players. You can get bent,” the NFLFBA added.
Patrick Allen, Editor for the Kansas City Chiefs blog Arrowhead Addict and who also serves as president of the NFLFBA said the statement was released in response to the news that the NFL owners and players would be breaking off from labor talks until Tuesday.
“Seriously,” said Allen. “Are they all high? They’ve been spending the last two weeks talking about how now is the time to make a deal and they have all admitted that if they don’t reach a deal soon that actual games will be missed and millions will be lost and they are taking the weekend off?”
“It really wasn’t difficult to tell them to get bent.”
Fan outrage is apparently growing across the nation as the NFL owners and players continue to act like they might “just f’ing melt into a pile of piss if one of them has to give up a couple of million dollars.”
“I’ll tell them what they can do with that extra couple of billion dollars they can’t figure out how to divide up,” said Green Bay Packers fan Jim McMichael from his Florida home.
“They can come down here, hand me all that money in a brief case full of unmarked bills and kiss my big, fat white ass!”
“Mine too,” added McMichael’s wife June.
“I realize they’ve been putting in a hard, what was it now, four days of sitting at a table on their old, rich asses negotiating over how to divide up money I’ve only seen represented on “Ducktales” when Scrooge McDuck dove into his pile of gold and swam around in it,” said Ohio man and truck driver Robert Jameson.
“I get being tired and wanting a few days off but for Christ sake! I worked 80 hours last month so my daughter could go to the prom and afford that dress from Burlington Coat Factory. 80 hours! Burlington Coat Factory! These guys are real twits, you know that? Real f’ing twits.”
An unnamed source close to the owners told us that most of the men are simply suffering from fatigue.
“Most of these guys haven’t had to work for anything in years,” said the source under the condition of anonymity. “Hell, some of them have never had to work. Jerry Richardson doesn’t even wipe his own ass anymore. It’s hard for the little guy to understand.”
“Yeah maybe I can’t understand,” said McMichael when we told him the source’s explanation. “But maybe they should understand that if they don’t get a deal done soon, next Independence Day they won’t be celebrating independence from the British but instead independence from my boot being two feet up their asses.”
The NFL owners and players did not release a written statement in response to the NFLFBA’s statement, they did however send over some photos of them all sitting together smoking joints rolled in hundred dollar bills, drinking champagne and giving the camera the finger.
A call to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodel’s home went unanswered, though the answering machine did say that the Comish would return all calls on Tuesday after he was finished “getting crunk and blowing shit up this weekend.”
You can read more about the NFLFBA and NFL fan frustrations at www.arrowheadaddict.com.