This is a series I started way back when and that I bust out every once in a while. The premise is simple. I list five unlikely and fantastical ways that I would like to see the Kansas City Chiefs win a game in the upcoming season. This column used to have a lot more meaning because, quite frankly, the Chiefs winning a game by normal means used to be pretty fantastical itself. Now that they are winning, however, perhaps this will be even more fun.
Or maybe not.
Let’s get to it.
5. Return Of The Thigbone
For some reason the Chiefs, whether they are good or whether they are bad, always have trouble beating the Buffalo Bills. No matter how bad the Bills are, the Chiefs often lose or just barely beat them. Last season, it took until the last play of overtime for the Chiefs to finally put the scrappy Bills away. Had the Chiefs lost that game, and they nearly did on multiple occasions, they would have finished 9-7 and the San Diego Chargers would have won the AFC West. That game took place on Halloween…and it was the scariest Halloween I’ve ever experienced.
This year, the Chiefs open at home with the Bills coming to town. This will be former offensive coordinator Chan Gailey’s second chance to get revenge against Chiefs coach Todd Haley, the man who fired Gailey three weeks before the disastrous 2009 season.
For any normal team, playing the lowly Bills to start the season would be a gift. This is not the case for the Chiefs. The Bills always give them trouble and Week One in the NFL is always a more level playing field. Teams are busting out their new tricks for the first time and there are always plenty of surprises and upsets.
Todd Haley and GM Scott Pioli know this and so they institute a plan so devious, so evil and so unexpected that they out Chan, Chan Gailey.
A week before the 2011 season, in an dark alley behind Gates BBQ, Scott Pioli signs QB Tyler Thigpen, who had been cut by the Dolphins at the conclusion of training camp, to a one-week contract. Most think that the signing is just an indication that KC’s third string QB Tyler Palko sucks. While he does suck, that is not the reason for this signing.
During the week of practice leading up to the game, Todd Haley institutes a secret offense he calls “The Thigbone.”
On the first play of the game, the Chiefs trot on to the field and line up in a “Full House” set. Matt Cassel is under center. Three men lineup in the backfield behind Cassel. To his left is Thigpen. To his right is Dexter McCluster. Directly behind him is Jamaal Charles. Dwayne Bow and Jonathan Baldwin are lined up wide.
At this point, Chan Gailey literally shits his pants and is forced to call a time out. Humiliated, Gailey sprints to the locker room to clean up telling his assistant he has to “figure this shit out.”
Thanks to the timeout, a freshened up Gailey is able to return to the sideline in time to see Ryan Succop kick an extra point to give the Chiefs a 7-0 lead.
Gailey looks up to the video screen at Arrowhead and watches the replay of the one offensive play the Chiefs ran from the Thigbone.
Matt Cassel snaps the ball and hands off to Jamaal Charles who runs to his right and follows McCluster in what appears to be an option play. Just as the tacklers are about to arrive in the backfield, Charles completes the option and pitches the ball to McCluster who, instead of taking off and running, throws the ball across the field to Tyler Thigpen who is standing near the left sideline. Thigpen catches the ball and launches it in the direction of Bowe and Baldwin who are standing near one another around the Buffalo 40 yardline. While the ball is in flight, Bowe and Baldwin engage in a best of three series of Rock, Paper, Scissors that see’s Baldwin come out on top by throwing Paper (win) Scissors (loss) Paper (win) and Rock (win). Bowe then shrugs, takes a step forward and blocks an oncoming Bills player as Baldwin makes the catch and turns and runs forty yards for the score.
Gailey then promptly re-poops his pants.
The Chiefs win 42-16 with Matt Cassel, Tyler Thigpen and Dexter McCluster all throwing TD passes. (Thigpen to Baldwin, Cassel to Thigpen, McCluster to Cassel). Charles and McCluster account for the other two TD’s via the ground game.
Gailey is fired the next day.
#4 Return of the Nutcracker
In an early battle for AFC West supremacy, the 2-0 Chiefs travel to San Diego to battle the 1-1 San Diego Chargers. Having already used up all their Thigbone plays, Todd Haley decides the team needs a new game plan if they are going to avenge the embarrassing loss the team suffered at the hands of the Chargers on their last trip out west.
Haley hires a hypnotist to teach him a few tricks and the coach spends the entire week locked in his office. He does not come out until the team bus is leaving to travel to the game. Even then, Haley spends all his time in the back of the bus/plane, huddled with Scott Pioli and the hypnotist, a shrunken old man who only refers to himself as “Hank.”
Before the game, Haley walks into the locker room and delivers one of the strangest pre-game speeches in Kansas City Chiefs history.
“Men, we have a fight on our hands. The last time we were here in San Diego, the Charger really had us by the balls. They twisted, turned and squeezed us until we were blue in the face. That loss almost cost us the AFC West Championship. This afternoon, I want you to go out there and take matters into your own hands. Stay cool and make sure you have a handle on the situation. Nover Turner and Philip Rivers are sure to throw a lot of junk your way. You just have to be ready for it and keep a grip on the situation because the ball is in your court. It is up to you. The game is in your hands.”
Strangely enough, Haley delivers the entire speech directly to Shuan Smith.
The Chargers take the field and huddle up. Suddenly, a crazed Shuan Smith bursts into the middle of San Diego’s huddle, screaming his head off. He runs directly over to Philip Rivers, grabs his crotch and just stares into the San Diego QB’s eyes.
It takes the refs and a contingent of Chiefs players about five minutes to get Smith to release his grip. Rivers appears to be unharmed physically but it is apparent that the incident is mentally disturbing to Rivers because he proceeds to throw 6 interceptions.
Smith is charged with simple assault, but the Chiefs win 27 to 3.
#3 They Call Him Sampson
Identifying Jared Allen as the only legit threat left on the Minnesota Vikings, Scott Pioli sends Brain Waters and Dwayne Bowe to Allen’s hotel room the night before the game. Happy to see his old teammates, Allen gladly throws back a couple of beers with them. While Allen is distracted by some lady friends Waters had imported, Bowe slips some horse tranquilizer into Allen’s PBR. Allen promptly passes out and Bowe and Waters use a jigsaw to cut off Allen’s mullet.
Since Jared Allen gets all his power from his hair, the Vikings are unable to generate any pass rush against the Chiefs. Matt Cassel has all day to throw and the Chiefs win 21-13.
#2 Raid On The Raiders
The Chiefs head into Week Seven feeling pretty good. They are 4-1 and are taking on the Oakland Raiders in California.
Though the team is playing well, Scott Pioli knows how important it is that the Chiefs win divisional matchups. Knowing that playing in Oakland is always tough for the Chiefs, Pioli uses some connections to obtain a list of names of Raiders season ticket holders and other fans who purchased single game tickets. After a quick records search, Pioli sends a confidential email to the LAPD.
The day of the game, the LAPD raids the Oakland Coliseum in what experts call the single biggest criminal roundup of all time. It turns out that about 25 thousand of the fans in attendance had various warrants out for their arrest for an array of crimes including assault, procession and bestiality. Even a few Raiders players are picked up.
Given Oakland’s depleted game-day roster and the loss of home field advantage, the Chiefs are treated to a virtual home game (KC fans now outnumber the few Raiders fans left wearing Halloween costumes) and roll to victory, 31-14.
#1 Slide Into Action
In a game many folks have been looking forward to for years, the Chiefs travel to Foxboro to take on the Patriots. The storylines are aplenty with QB Matt Cassel and GM Scott Pioli both coming from New England.
The week before the game, Pioli contacts a Patriots employee who plans game day events. Pioli knows the employee to be disgruntled and offers him a bribe.
The day of the game, the Patriots players are told they will be introduced to fans in a new and unique way. The game, which will be on Monday Night Football, is receiving a lot of national attention and the Pats want to make a good impression on the national audience. As such, the Patriots will be entering the stadium individually, on a giant slide.
The slide ride is from the upper decks of the stadium and it takes players a full 30 seconds to get down to the end which is at the 50-yardline. Tom Brady, who is notoriously terrified of slides, screams like a little girl the entire way down. Since this happens in the future, I don’t have any photos but suffice it to say, it looks something like this:
By the time Brady gets to the bottom of the slide, his teammates have lost all respect for him. They quit on the QB and the Chiefs steal a victory on the road, 17-6.
Well there you have it.
By what underhanded methods would you like to see the Chiefs win in 2011?