More Details Of Secret NFL Labor Negotiations Emerge
More news is leaking out about the “super secret meeting” that took place in the NFL owners’ secret skull volcano lair in Chicago yesterday.*
Apparently the meeting began over dinner and took place in the presence of court appointed mediator Arthur Boylan but without the presence of either side’s lawyers, who were apparently across town at a local hospital sucking the blood out of newborn babies.
*Really, when you think about it, Chicago is the perfect place to have a secret skull volcano lair. While everyone else is looking for your hideout on some tropical island somewhere, all you have to do is roll over the dead bum and open the sewer grate to get inside. No one in Chicago will pay you any mind.
The talks are apparently still going on through this afternoon, but the location has changed to the players’ secret hideout, which is rumored to be located either inside the horn of a ancient and invisible unicorn or in Scottie Pippen’s basement. While we aren’t exactly clear on what the players and owners are talking about, some are speculating that they are doing their best to find as much common ground as possible ahead of Friday’s hearing in the 8th Circuit Court of Appeals. Once the court rules, one side will hold the leverage so chances are both sides are trying to get a head start on making nice because one of them is about to get bitch-slapped by the long gavel of the justice system.
While that theory is possible, a source tells me that the sides were actually meeting last night was to make sure they do not wear the same outfit to court.
“That would be really embarrassing,” said an unnamed source.
Today’s talks apparently revolve around a new pair of pants that De Smith bought.
“He wants Goodell’s opinion on whether or not they make him look fat,” said the source. “He trusts Roger’s opinion on fashion.”
“He also wants to try on a couple more fedoras in front of the Comish to see if they look alright with his blue tie.”
Mike Vrabel was also reportedly in attendance, bringing along a reported eight beers and a guy offering free tattoos for autographs.