That’s right Addicts, I’m finally going here. I’ve been threatening to do it for months. If there’s a time, its now. Memorial Day may be the slowest day of the year for football blogs. Hopefully all the people who would normally call me a nerd are out drinking beer and barbequing (two things I will be doing as soon as I finish this post).
Paddy touches down in a few hours. I want this to be the first post he sees when he checks the site. Time to grab that brass ring!……of sorts.
Since the dawn of time man has yearned to compare Chiefs players to characters from Tolkien literature. It is only natural that we should seek to combine our nerdiest of passions. If you’ve never imagined Chiefs players on the walls of Helm’s Deep slaying orcs, well, I just don’t know what to say to you. We’re obviously very different people.
Gandalf- Jamaal Charles
This was actually a pretty easy decision when it came down to it. Jamaal Charles certainly looks magical out there. And without him, we would be lost (although Haley would finally be able to really unleash Thom Jones). Sure, there were other wizards picked ahead of him, but none better. I just hope when Charles departs to the undying lands, he’s able to do so with a ring on his finger, as the original Gandalf did.
The rest of the nine after the jump:
Aragorn- Brandon Flowers
Steady. Dependable. Tenacious. Plays through pain. Flowers and his brethren defend the end zone in much the same way as Aragorn and his defended the Shire. Flashy? Nay. Best mortal man in the world? Most definitely yay. Plus I heard Flowers’ dad was named Arathorn too. So they have that in common.
Raised in the backwoods. An athlete beyond compare. And I gotta think shooting an arrow is Middle-Earth combat’s version of the passing game. And yet, does it come too easy for him? Of skills he has no shortage, but his mental fortitude is perhaps less than the other great members of the fellowship. Against the absolute top competition (Balrog, Saruman, Sauron) he would be of little use.
Gimli- Brian Waters
This was the easiest. There is no better Gimli than Brian Waters. Squat, strong, blunt, unbreakable. A true veteran. Had Waterslived in Middle Earth he would’ve been slaying orcs left and right, probably with an axe. The more I think about it, the more I think he probably should’ve played Gimli in the movie.
Boromir- Tamba Hali
Fierce and hardy as any man, and a fearsome threat to his foes on the battlefield. Possibly the greatest warrior in the fellowship. And yet, he is tempted by the Super Bowl Ring, and at some point his temptation may get the better of him and force him to change sides.
He’s not the most talented, not the bravest, not the best. He never expected to be thrust into this role. And yet all our hopes, essentially, depend on him. If he falls, we all fall. If he finds the strength, we can rise to heights not reached since the first age! (Super Bowl 4)
Sam- Branden Albert
Responsible for watching our Frodo’s back. Also, is a little overweight, but wears it well. And while he may not seem special, without him, our ring-bearer will surely fail in his task.
Merry and Pippin- Dexter McCluster and Javier Arenas
Little people. Seemingly unimportant to the fellowship. Sometimes you can’t help but wonder why they were brough on this journey. And yet, in the second book (season), they may have a much bigger part to play.
Sauron- Clark Hunt (and rest of owners)
Bizarre, relentless levels of greed on display. Will not shrink from any lie or deception. Too much wealth, too much power, no trace of human emotion.
Saruman- Roger Goodell
Lackey to Sauron.
Gollum- Big Matt
“Big Matt hates and loves the NFL, much as he hates and loves himself…yet my heart tells me that Big Matt has some part to play yet, for good or ill…”
And I’m off to a rooftop hang. Be well, amigos. Paddy returns on the morrow.