Out Of Office Reply
By author
Fellow Addicts and Chiefs fans, I know that we are all tired of hearing about the labor negotiations, but with the impending lockout to start tomorrow (unless I have missed something and it’s now resolved while I write this post in which case I will look awful silly, which I’m cool with) I felt that I had to talk about it in some form. Many of us have mentioned writing letters to Clark Hunt as fans and sending them to 1 Arrowhead Drive, and I have to say I was tempted myself. I think I will abstain from this round. The reason why?
Go ahead and try to get a hold Chiefs Chairman Clark Hunt’s office tomorrow if/when the lockout starts. If I had to guess he will not be there. He could be at negotiations, he could be trying to get something resolved, but I’d rather be pessimistic and insulting. So, I think you would get an auto-reply that would go something like this:
Dear Kansas City Chiefs Fan,
Clark Hunt here, and I would just like to let you know that currently I am out of my office at the moment. I would be more than happy to answer your message right now, but currently I am on an undisclosed island paradise snorting cocaine off of porn star and hooker asses with Charlie Sheen. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for all of your years of loyalty as a Chiefs fan, especially the money you’ve spent on me and my dad’s team. That money allows me and the other NFL owners to do whatever the hell we want while extorting extra money from cities and businesses by threatening to throw our 9 billion dollars in revenue weight around.
I would also like to thank the taxpayers of Jackson County, MO at this point in time. Your tax dollars paid for the renovations to Arrowhead, and all you asked for in return was that we give you first dibs on ticket sales. Sure we sat on the money you gave us for two years and earned interest (hey it was in the contract that we could keep any interest gained, and there was no hard date set for starting renovations) before we actually started renovation the stadium, and now if there is no season your dibs on tickets won’t mean jack shit. I think anyone who looks at it like that is not thinking about the fact that unless you came up with that money, we would have moved the team somewhere that would use tax money to support our private business. Think what that would have done to the economy in the Greater Kansas City area! Extortion? Hey now, that’s business…
The next group I would like to thank is the 2011 draft class. I thank you all for two reasons. First and foremost is how you are helping divert attention away from the labor negotiations through the combine and mock drafts. This is very beneficial to us by reducing negative press. The second is that you are doing this for free! To think, that a group of such highly motivated, talented individuals would do all of this and enter the draft knowing that they would be entering an industry where there may be no work! You couldn’t make this up if you tried. Good show 2011 draft class!
I understand that a lot of you are upset with the owners, but really we are not running a profitable business. I swear, cross my heart. I would show you, but I don’t have to, so I won’t. You’re just going to have to trust me on this one, like the networks trusted us when we negotiated for them to pay us even in the event of a lockout for TV time. In retrospect although we left money on the table, it’s nice to know that I will not have to adjust my lifestyle as much if there is no season. I’m sure you are as relieved as I am to hear that.
In closing, I just wanted to let you all know how stupid we the owners think you are. We are trying to break the will of our employees like big businesses did back in the early 20th century, and all you care about is if there is going to be an NFL season. We are threatening work stoppage across the board in one of the biggest industries in the US, and no one seems to think about how that will impact anything more than Sunday afternoon. But, what can you do? Stop watching the NFL? Oh shit, we didn’t think about that…. I better call Jerry.
Dictated not Read,
Clark Hunt
Kansas City Chiefs Chairman of the Board
PS I would like to apologize to Jamaal Charles if there is no season for taking away up to two prime years of possibly the most productive running back in NFL history. It makes me sad, but then I roll around in a gigantic pile of money covered in melted Alpaca butter and I feel better. It’s the little things in life that help you move forward.