Welcome to the first ever edition of Paddy’s Pot of Gold, a truly original and witty name for my opinion columns. Here you will find my musings about the Chiefs in both serious and humorous (hopefully) formats. Without further ado, let’s get started with Edition 1: 5 Underhanded Ways I Would Like To See The Chiefs Win This Season.
I, like many of you, want nothing more than to see the Chiefs win. I want to see them win so bad that I really don’t care how they accomplish it. If it happens by shady means, bad calls, video taping opposing teams defensive signals, whatever, it is OK with me as long as the Red and Gold come out on top. So here are a few ways I wouldn’t mind seeing the Chiefs snag victories in 2010.
Down 13 to 12 in the 2010 home opener against the Chargers, the Chiefs and Ryan Succop are attempting a 50-yard field goal with 3 seconds left for the win. With Brodie Croyle holding, the long snapper botches the snap high. Brodie is forced to jump to his feet to catch the ball and does. However, while he is in the air, there is a strong gust of wind that breaks Brodie’s leg clean off at the hip. As he falls, ever being about the team, Brodie flips the ball to Ryan. With the rush coming and no time for a running start, Ryan, using skills taught to him by former golfer and head coach, Todd Haley, drops the football, retrieves Brodie’s severed leg and with a perfect drive shot, boots the football trough the uprights as time expires. The Chiefs move in to first place at 1-0. Brodie moves back to IR. Philip Rivers throws such a fantastic, childish fit over on the Charger sideline that his stomps a giant hole in the ground ala Rumplestiltskin. Unable to climb out Philip is forced to scream for help to his Charger teammates. The rest of the Chargers pretend to go temporarily deaf and head back to the locker room. Later that night the grounds crew fills in the hole. Rivers is never heard from again.
After a remarkable and shocking 4-0 start, the Chiefs travel to Indianapolis to take on the defending Super Bowl Champion Colts. Before the game, Chiefs coach Todd Haley sneaks in to the Colt’s locker room and pours BBQ sauce from Gates inside of Manning’s jock strap. As the Colts take the field, a large man flings himself out of the visitor’s press box and runs on to the field. The man, who later report is Kansas City Star reporter Jason Whitlock, runs straight to Manning and plunges his face into the all Pro Quarterback’s crotch. Manning lets out a horrified scream as security drags Whitlock away. Manning is so disturbed by the incident he throws 3 interceptions to Brandon Flowers and the Chiefs win going away.
During a game against the Washington Redskins, just before the bye week, Redskins owner Dan Snyder marches down to the field and fires head coach Mike Shannahan on the spot because the Chiefs have taken a 3 point lead. Snyder then motions to his assistant, who brings out a cardboard cut out of Bill Cowher and places it on the sideline. Snyder places a headset on the cardboard Cowher and walks away. Shannahan’s staff leaves the field in protest, as do his players. The baffled officiating crew forces the Redskins to forfeit and awards the Chiefs with an easy victory.
The following day, Synder fires the cardboard cut out Bill Cowher and after being rejected for an interview by the real Bill Cowher, announces the hiring of Vince Lombardi’s corpse. Snyder is committed by his family later that day.
During some particularly nasty November weather, coach Todd Haley refuses to let his players practice inside. Haley tells the team that playing in the elements will “toughen them up” and that “anyone caught whining will get my boot up their ass!”
Terrified of losing their starting positions the Chiefs players continue to practice. Things are going pretty well until new offensive coordinator Charlie Weis calls a Flea Flicker. Cassel hands off to Charles who turns and pitches it back to the QB. Cassel throws a deep bomb to wide receiver Dwayne Bowe, who stops short of the goal line to watch the football being sucked into the sky by a funnel cloud.
A livid Haley storms on to the field and exclaims “God damn it Bowe! I don’t care if that ball is in a funnel cloud, go up there and get it!”
Bowe remembering his 2009 preseason benching says a quick prayer and leaps for the football.
Bowe is not seen or heard from for 2 weeks. Then, suddenly, just before the season finally against the Denver Broncos at Mile High Stadium, the sky opens up and Dwayne Bowe falls to the turf holding the practice football and wearing a spectacular pair of ruby red cleats.
“Bowe, “ sceams Haley, “where the hell have you been?”
“Just somewhere over the Dwayne Bowe,” replies Bowe.
Haley fines Bowe for being late but also congratulates him on a “pretty decent catch.”
Bowe’s “Ruby Cleats” appear to have magic powers and he suddenly becomes the fastest WR in the NFL. The Chiefs defeat the Broncos 42 to 7 as Bowe catches 4 touchdown passes and Matt Cassl throws for 625 yards.
Todd Haley and Scott Pioli meet late at night in the middle of a cornfield the night before the Super Bowl against the New Orleans Saints. Following a map given to them by Marty Schottenheimer, the two men are lead to the unmarked grave of Chiefs great, Derrick Thomas. After some blood sacrifice and a few chants the men successfully resurrect the football star for one day. Meanwhile, Clark Hunt breaks into Mike Vrabel’s house and renders him unconscious using the Chiefs Super Bowl Four trophy. He ties Mike up and leaves him locked in a closet. The next day at the Super Bowl “Mike Vrabel” breaks the single game sack record, recording 10 sacks on Drew Brees and a Chiefs victory.