It has oft been said that the topography of America is on a slant such that everything that is not tied down slides to California. For example, when Cass Elliot beckoned America’s youth to California with the song Twelve Thirty (Young Girls Are Coming To The Canyon), Charlie Manson simultaneously beckoned them to join his California “family.” And while California is home to Hollywood, Rodeo Drive, ripe vineyards, sunny beaches, surfboards, and the Gubernator, it also owns a well-earned reputation as a breeding ground for kooks, colonics, and cults.
So, what does any of this have to do with our beloved Chiefs you ask? I am afraid you may find the answer to that question a bit unsettling.
Back in 1997, in the well-heeled So Cal community of Del Mar, 39 members of the cult known as Heaven’s Gate committed mass suicide – sincerely believing their “willful exit” would take them to the next level, that being an extraterrestrial adventure with aliens aboard a UFO awaiting their arrival. They believed their vehicle of salvation lay hidden in the tail of an approaching comet named Hale-Bopp. Each “departed” cult member, regardless of gender, was identically prepared for their journey wearing Nikes, their upper bodies draped neatly with purple triangular-shape shrouds, and heads closely shorn. Another notable aspect about this community is that they were the first suicide cult to use the internet to attract adherents.
The reason I believe this story may once again bear relevance is because evidence appears to be mounting that perhaps not all members of the Heaven’s Gate cult made it to their intended destination. Nay, there in fact appear to be latter day zealots whose mission is to recruit fresh crew members – presumably to man a brand new voyage? A sleeper cell cult if you will. Even more alarming is the fact that they appear to have adopted Arrowhead Addict as their latest internet pulpit.
First, consider the following parallels:
The Kansas City Chiefs, just like Nike, is a recognizable brand that everyone instantly associates with sports. Exactly why this transcendent connection to sports needs to exist is fodder for speculation. Then again, they’re nut jobs; what more do we need to know than that, right?
Members of the Heaven’s Gate cult were pre-conditioned to put on purple triangular-shaped shrouds as preparation for the showery tail of the comet Hale-Bopp. Now just consider how many Arrowhead attendees probably feel the need to show their allegiance to the Chiefs by putting on red triangular-shaped ponchos when it rains? Clearly, behavioral pre-disposition is a powerful weapon in the hands of cultists.
The Heaven’s Gate cult believed the vehicle of their salvation was hidden in the tail of the comet Hale-Bopp. This new cult believes the vehicle of their salvation is Todd Haley (aside from the obvious similarity between and “Hale” and “Haley,” note in particular the uncanny juxtaposition of consonants and vowels shared by Todd and Bopp – pretty eerie stuff huh?) which probably explains why their heads are so far up Haley’s tail – even though I’m sure it’s not the sort of place that rational thinkers would choose to occupy, one must remember that these are individuals who feel they missed out on their first opportunity and so are now even more loath to be left behind, so to speak, again.
The main force behind Arrowhead Addict, Adam Best, has been conspicuously silent in recent months. Last anyone heard, he had moved to California. You read that right. At this point, I can not help but wonder whether Adam has been take hostage by this cult? Am I the only one to notice that Adam Best’ s once frequent contributions appear to have been completely supplanted by the equally ubiquitous and prolific Jeremy Hanson?
As some you may already know, Jeremy maintains and operates a compound in the Riverside, California area, a relatively short distance due north of Del Mar. And yes you read that right again, California. Note the monk-ishly short, Hare Krishna-like hair? Can all this just be mere coincidence? Probably not. What is most likely is that a surviving remnant of “Heaven’s Gate” has repackaged itself anew as “Hanson’s Gate.” As for Adam’s circumstances and whereabouts, I demand proof of life.
Lastly and most importantly, consider the wackadoo religion being espoused by this modern day cult:
Every utterance out of the mouth of Todd Haley or Scott Pioli is automatically deemed by the cult to be of oracle quality. When the Chiefs lose, the cultists proclaim it as progress. Each time a player is removed from the team and replaced by a worse player, if replaced at all, the cult will immediately praise the act as one of the many profound and mysterious workings of the Pioli Trinity. Benching starters and shuffling new faces in and out of positions every week is blindly accepted as “part of the process.” On a staff lacking head coaching experience, firing the only coach in possession of such experience just two weeks before the start of the season is exalted as an example of god-like genius by the cult’s adepts.
Addicts, have you been sucked in by the illogic of Hanson’s Gate? If you are the least bit uncertain in your answer to that question then I strongly suggest you ask yourself the following questions:
- Do I own a red poncho?
- Am I using words like “progress” or “process” to characterize this season?
- Do I agree with everything that Todd Haley, Scott Pioli, (or Jeremy Hanson) does or says?
- Am I obsessed with Arrowhead Addict? Has it become my altar of positivity in the face of an objective reality which bears witness to a disastrously bad season?
- Are my irrationally positive views about how good of a job Todd Haley and Scott Pioli are doing also resulting in my being alienated from family, friends, or dissenting Addicts?
- Do I receive odd looks from ordinary people when I talk about the Chiefs?
- Am I paranoid?
If any or all of these apply to you, then I urge you to immediately contact your local cult deprogramming center for treatment. If you wait until next Sunday to act, all I have to say to you is “have a nice trip!”
Are you exhibiting any of these, or perhaps other, bizarre fanatical symptoms? Maybe you too have held or been witness to strange ideas or weird predictions on this blog about the future (always about the future!) of the Chiefs?
If so, seek immediate help, before it’s too late!!