Today we explore the potential of the Chiefs’ 2009 season through a court of law. The characters involved are Johnnie Cochran (the defense attorney arguing the Chiefs will win the AFC West), Perry Mason (prosecuting attorney attacking the Chiefs and their fallacies), the Old Chief as the judge and you the reader voting at the end of this article as the jury. Let us begin.
Bailiff: All hail the most honorable Old Chief ”
Chief: Please be seated. Mr. Mason, your opening statement please.
Perry Mason: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I come before you today to discuss the hideous shape of the Chiefs franchise. The defense set an NFL record for fewest sacks last year and two of our most valuable defenders are either cut (Pollard) or running third team (Derrick Johnson). Furthermore, our weak defense might be the strength of this team! There’s a revolving door at right tackle and it is doubtful any of our starters on the right side of our line could start for a CFL team. The brand new multimillion dollar QB is already injured, leaving the Chiefs with the tandem of I twins — Injured and Intercepted. To make matters worse, the Chiefs fired their Offensive Coordinator last week. The fact remains the Chiefs are guilty as charged — an expansion roster headed to a 1-15,2-14 season.
Johnnie Cochran: People of the jury, come to your senses — do not believe this hogwash. The Chiefs are headed to the AFC West title. They have a handsome new QB who led the Patriots to 11 wins last season. Both of the coordinators were in the Super Bowl last year. The GM has been executive of the year in the NFL. They even have an improved defense, causing old faces (Pollard and Johnson) to disappear. The offensive line is improving daily with new additions from the Phins and the Pats. As far as the old offensive coordinator, Chan Gailey — IF HE DOESN’T FIT, YOU MUST MAKE HIM QUIT! The Chiefs will win the AFC West!
Judge Old Chief: Mr. Mason, your rebuttal.
Mr. Mason: Mr. Cochran, you have failed to prove anything. You simply recited resumes hoping for improvement. How about some tangible evidence ?
Mr. Cochran: First of all, the Chiefs play in the worst division in football. Worse than the Big 12 North, the WAC and even the ACC. I am convinced a team could win this division with a .500 record. Let us carefully examine our competition, or lack thereof.
San Diego has the village idiot as its head coach; their best offensive player L.T. is 30 and past his prime; and their defensive star steroid king Shawn Merriman maybe headed to jail. Denver has a boy coach who is overmatched for his job. Many of his players are disgruntled with the lack of direction of the franchise and seek relocation. His new QB for whom he traded for in the offseason recently dislocated his index finger on his throwing hand. The Broncos defense was statistically worse than the Chiefs in many areas in 2008. Oakland has a senile owner and a coach who bullies and punches his assistants. They draft and trade for players on a whim as if they do not have a scouting department. Their QB looks and plays like an offensive tackle. What other evidence would you like?
Mr. Mason: You are delusional.
Mr. Cochran: Delusional? These are the fact.The Chiefs defense is going to be vastly improved with the beast Tyson Jackson and steady Mike Vrabel. Finally, we are getting real players on the field like Corey Mays and Jon McGraw. Todd Haley is an offensive genius who was tinkering with the team in the preseason. He will fix the O-line even if we have to go to double tight ends. The Chiefs are the most improved team in the division and will squeak by the Chargers!
Mr. Mason: Preposterous. The Chiefs are 2-22 in their last 24 games (presason and regular). They were the last team to lose to the Lions for God’s sake! The lineup is full of unproven rookies and worn-out veterans who will be done by game 7.
Judge Old Chief: Ladies and gentleman of the jury, it is time for you to enter into deliberation. What will it be AFC West or AFC Worst?