Gunther's Last Session With Sigmund Fraud

Today we take you back to the Plaza where notable psychiatrist Sigmund Fraud is about to have his exit session with one of favorite patients — the one and only Gunther Cunningham.

Gunther-Sigmund FraudFraud: “Good morning, Gunther. How have you been? I have not seen you since the debacle in the Queen City!”

Gunther: “Its been tough. Real damn tough. The players. The f***ing players. They just quit on our trip to Cincy. Then they fired the King. Then Herm. I knew my ass was the next to go.”

Fraud: “I see. Please, please continue”

Gunther: “You see, dammit, I thought I had lost my touch.  Like I said during our last session, I just didn’t know what to do to motivate these players. After all our draft picks on defense and we finished 29th in f***ing defense. Sh**, I was depressed.”

Fraud: “Tell me more.”

Gunther: “Well, one night I had this dream. I was coaching a team of silver and blue and, believe it or not, we were in the Super Bowl. I had gotten the old gang together for one last run. Donnie on the outside and Marvcus Patton in the middle. Dale Carter and James Hasty at the corners. Neil Smith even slimmed his fat f***ing ass down to play end for me. All we were missing was D.T. We were awesome. I woke up from that dream and got a call from the Lions owner, Mr. Ford. He asked me to move to Detroit and become their defensive coordinator.”

Fraud: “I see. And how did that make you feel?”

Gunther:”Hell, speechless at first. I accepted knowing I couldn’t do any worse of a job in Detroit than Matt Millen’s crew and the Big 3 had done during the last several years. Later, I came to my senses and realized that DETROIT WAS DEAD F***ING LAST IN THE F***ING LEAGUE IN F***ING DEFENSE! Behind even the Chiefs. I went to Mr. Ford’s office ready to turn in my resignation papers. His response: ‘Gunther, don’t worry so much. You can only go one way — up. Besides, there is talk of a bailout with additional draft picks being allocated to Detroit.’ I was pretty upset when I went in there, but that meeting calmed me down. I mean, those dumb bastards went 0-16 last year. I had to coach with Herm f***ing Edwards and still managed to get two wins.”

Fraud: “Yes, Yes Tell me more.”

Gunther:”I got excited. Burned those damn Cover 2 playbooks of Herm’s — that sh** isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on…I told him…you gotta f***ing blitz — then I began calling all the old gang. First, I asked Donnie to play for me for a fourth time. He’s about as damn old as me, but I truly do love that son of a bitch. He said yes. Then Marvcus, Dale, James and Neil. They were all in. Hell, I even got Andre Rison to play for me again. I figured even he could afford a house in Detroit. If it gets burned down that’s his own damn — ”

Fraud: “But, Gunther, wait…what are you going to do if you run in to trouble in Detroit? After all, their winningest coach was WAYNE FONTES!!”

Gunther: “I thought about that, too. But then I remembered something that brought me piece of mind. I can always get a job replacing GREG ROBINSON somewhere.”

Fraud: “Ah-ha! An old patient of mine. Funny. I could never quite fix that one.”

Topics: Detroit Lions, Donnie Edwrads, Gunther Cunningham, Herm Edwards, Kansas City Chiefs

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