Andrew Dice Haley: Nursery Rhymes For Nursery Times
Yesterday, as I watched Herm Edwards on NFL Live, I had an epiphany. Harm cast as an NFL head coach was like Eddie Murphy, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Ice Cube (only a matter of time) in those craptastic Daddy Day Care movies. He was in over his head. The players saw him as their buddy — not as their boss. He wasn’t feared and respected like one of the Bills — Belichick, Cowher or Parcells — and as we all know, Bills win Super Bowls.
Enter Todd Haley. A few veterans must have been expecting Kindergarten Coach given the team’s recent head coaching hires. What they got was something totally different. In fact, a “tum-ah” might have been more fun given that they had grown accustomed to Pee Wee Herm’s playhouse.
The Chiefs new head coach is not only a hard ass — he’s a smart ass. I’m thinking Andrew Dice Clay with more of a Pittsburgh accent, maybe even a little Dirty Harry thrown in for intimidation. I’m glad he came in here busting balls, honestly. Now that Haley and Scott Pioli are here — and their reputations do precede them — it’s time for the players to STFU and trust The Pioli Trinity to do its thing. Yes, even Tony Gonzalez.
Just who do the Chiefs’ veteran stars think they are? What is the deal with their sense of entitlement? Brian Waters demanding to meet with Haley and Pioli to discuss football would be similar to Chris Brown demanding to meet with Joe Biden to discuss his Violence Against Women Act. Just ludicrous.
Speaking of domestic abuse, Larry Johnson wants a fresh start. So do we, Larry, so do we. But the bottom line is that the Chiefs signed you to that long-term deal you demanded, so you’re here until Pioli tells you you’re not. Your heart may belong to Jesus Jay-Z, but your ass belongs to the Chiefs.
No wonder we traded for Mike Vrabel and visited with Bobby Engram. We need captains — not crybabies.
After his infamous “22 guys off the street” comment, I can totally see Haley going all Diceman and screaming “ohhhhhh!” Can’t you? Or maybe it’s just more fun to imagine it that way. Regardless, my imagination went wild. Here are some of Andrew Dice Haley’s nursery rhymes, written especially for some of the Chiefs’ vets:
To Larry Johnson:
Larry, Larry, quite contrary,
Only three damn yards on every carry! Ohhhhhhh!”
To Brian Waters:
Little Boy blew…he went 2-14! Ohhhhhh!
To Derrick Johnson:
Three blind mice, see how they run.
Where the f*** did they learn to tackle? Ohhhhhhhh!
To Tony Gonzalez:
Little Mr. All That,
Sat on a yoga mat,
Drinking his vegan shake,
Along came his coach then,
And sat down beside him and said,
Hey, when’s the last time you went to the Bowl, bitch? Ohhhhhhhhh!
To Damion McIntosh:
Hey diddle diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
That’s more than my lazy right tackle does,
The fat, f***in’ smelly baboon
In all seriousness, I hope he doesn’t take it to this level. But I am glad the players now know who’s boss. About time.
“Brian Waters demanding to meet with Haley and Pioli to discuss football would be similar to Chris Brown demanding to meet with Joe Biden to discuss his Violence Against Women Act.”
Not even close.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:44 pmYou’re right. Chris Brown only lost it once, not 14 times.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:51 pmI don’t know Brian Waters’ motivation for traveling from his Dallas home to K.C. in order to speak with Pioli and/or Haley. Maybe Waters had the best of intentions. Whatever the case, his trip was ill planned and ill conceived at the very best, and down right foolhardy at worst. Coming into Arrowhead to straighten out Pioli and Haley was a dumb ass thing to do. I don’t blame Haley at all for sticking the knife in deep and twisting it with his “22 people off the street” comment. Brian Waters is a rich man from playing football. Coach Haley is his boss. What more is there to say? there is a time and a place for everything, and Brian Waters blew it big time. And lest anyone think that I don’t appreciate and admire Brian Waters for his work on the field, think again. I have long held Brian Waters in the highest esteem. In this case, though, he was dead wrong.
March 6th, 2009 at 2:06 pmYeah, but at the same time, you have to look at the kind of class act player you are dealing with before you act like a bunch of dicktaters (yes I purposely mis-spelled it!). He has been the consumate professional and a POLITE, “Sorry, we are busy right now, but we will address your concerns at that appropriate time.”, would have been a much BETTER tactic. There are other ways to establish yourself as the top dog and that wasn’t the right way for the trinity to handle it, IMO, of course. I am NOT saying Brian was right, but they management handled it was not necessarily right either.
March 6th, 2009 at 2:22 pmVrod74-
How do you know how Haley handled it? For all we know he could have said “Sorry, we are busy right now, but we will address your concerns at that appropriate time.” Maybe Waters then thought that was arrogant since he made a trip all the way from Dallas to KC to see him. That could have been what started the whole thing. The fact is we will never know the truth, so instead of taking sides or making allegations towards someone, I think you should just let it play out. I mean they’re both grown ass men and professionals.
March 6th, 2009 at 2:53 pmGood post Adam. I love the new atmosphere around Arrowhead … The Pioli Trinity is cold-blooded. Players always talk rubbish about how their job is “business” … they have no idea what they’re dealing with now.
March 6th, 2009 at 2:55 pmWOW!!!!! Did you hear the Vrabel Q&A. In my opinion, after hearing it on the Chiefs website, he is not happy being here.
Am I wrong?
March 6th, 2009 at 3:22 pmI read it, it didn’t seem at all that he didn’t want to be here, but I didn’t hear the tone of voice. Either way, when players get traded, you got to uproot your entire family and move to said traded destination. I’m sure it’s a pain in the ass. Once he get’s all that smoothed over and everything starts back up, I’m sure he will be all about getting back to work and helping our team win. I liked how he didn’t dodge questions, was frank, and was well-spoken.
March 6th, 2009 at 3:44 pmListen to Vrabel and his tone. Also pay attention to his comments about not gloating on your past successes and three superbowl rings becuase in essence no matter how good you are one day you can “wind up on the Chiefs”!!!!
Seriously, I hear a bitter man.
March 6th, 2009 at 4:36 pmI just read the Q&A it is missing so many things that are on the audio!!!!! Totally edited.
Listen to it. He is bitter.
March 6th, 2009 at 4:43 pmVrabel will get over, Waters will get over it, Gonzalez will get over it, Larry Johnson wants a pussy posse. I don’t know if Johnson will get over it, but it would make sense for him to remain as a Chief.
March 6th, 2009 at 4:52 pmBesides, Johnson had is best years when he was P.O.’d.
March 6th, 2009 at 4:54 pmThat should read “his best years”
March 6th, 2009 at 4:56 pmI read it and listened to it. Your right, they definitely leave some out but not much. I don’t think he’s bitter. Maybe disappointed but we’re gonna get all 100% out of him, fo sho. The “go from three rings and end up in KC” was kinda funny. At least he’s honest. I’d have a hard team believing that he (or any other human) would be happy to go from powerhouse NE to 2-14 KC. It would be like living in the United States one day, and being shipped off to some 3rd world country the next… Real Shitty.
March 6th, 2009 at 5:14 pmI just listened to it as well. And I agree, he doesn’t sound as excited as he claimed he was at the beginning of the interview, and as the interview wore on, he became brutally candid. I think the comment about going to the Chiefs wasn’t a direct slam as much as him expressing that every day something could change regardless of what you have done in the past (3 rings). 447 hit the nail on the head: in the twilight of his career after competing on a winning team, to get sent to the Chiefs probably isn’t how he envisioned wrapping up his career. He will make the best of it though, he’s a professional.
March 6th, 2009 at 5:33 pmSo the cowboys just signed igor olshansky to a 4 year deal, and another one bites the dust. i have to say im getting a little fed up with our lack of interest in what could be potential playmakers. instead, we’ll spend all this cap room signing career practice squad dummies hoping that they’ll have their breakout year with the chiefs, good luck with that pioli…if we dont make a move for a tory holt if/when he’s available or some defensive players that could actually make an impact (not just on special teams) it could be another loooong year.
March 6th, 2009 at 6:18 pmHey, I got a question for you guys.
This has been rolling around in my head and I think I may have an answer.
From what I’ve heard, we are still like 14 million under the CAP MINIMUM after the Cassel/Vrable deal
From what I see, we stopped going after the big boys in the FA and are focusing on million/sub-million a year guys.
Now, this is the question…how do we get over the minimum hump without signing anyone
From what I understand, our picks in the draft aren’t going to do it.
Now here is my wild arse answer………..
We are keeping under the league minimum so that we can absorb the cap hit when we TRADE DORSEY for a high 1st rounder and maybe a 2nd/3rd.
I mean think about it. What if we didn’t sign anyone else. We Traded Dorsey for a high draft pick giving us B.J. Raji and a 2nd/3rd this year or next…or even straight up.
Is this totally insane? I need some feedback from you guys.
March 6th, 2009 at 6:59 pmDr. Paine and Chiefs447, I agree. good comments.
As a rabid chiefs fan, it just did not sit right with me. I have to remember that the Chiefs are not the most respected franchise right now!
March 6th, 2009 at 6:59 pmI doubt anyone would give up a high first round pick, let alone multiple picks, for Dorsey. I think its hard to value him since he was a rookie last year. It wasn’t a great year for him and I don’t think we’ll get what we paid for him (5th overall pick) for his potential alone. He’s gonna have to prove something before he has any value again. Besides, Haley already commented that Dorsey will “fit in somewhere”.
March 6th, 2009 at 7:31 pmMB:
I hear your scenario and would be all for it except if it were straight up. Am I missing some part of the equation or does that just mean you think Raji would be a better direction than Dorsey?
March 6th, 2009 at 7:33 pmI don’t have a probelm trading anyone on our roster, if it makes sense. We need picks, we have done nothing in FA. I am extremely disappointed in this offseason
March 6th, 2009 at 11:22 pmhappy I think Dorsey is going to be an awesome tackle. I’m just proceeding under the assumption that we are moving to a 3-4…all DE’s and NG’s. Raji would be a better fit if we are truely making the switch.
On that note. I think Tank Tyler might make a great NT. He could bulk up to about 330 easy. His bench was 42 in the draft. For those in the know. What exactly makes a Raji a better shot at NT than a Tank?
March 7th, 2009 at 2:22 amMB:
In the spirit of pure conjecture (and because there is nothing else to discuss right now) how do you see the front 3 being put together from a personnel standpoint? Tyler at NT and Hali and Dorsey at DE? McBride? Hey, DL depth is a great thing, would’ve liked to see Olshansky. Just thinking. Anyone…?
March 7th, 2009 at 12:57 pmCasey Hampton, the “prototype” 3-4 NT, is 6-1, 325. Glenn Dorsey is 6-1, 297. First of all, we IS NOT GOING TO BE TRADED! Give the guy a break and a pro offseason to get himself into NFL D lineman condition. I suppose he could either shed some fat and add a ton of muscle to make him more of a NT, or he could shed some fat and add some muscle to make him a better fit as a 3-4 DE. I’m sure Pioli, Haley, and whoever the hell the DC is are banging their heads against the wall to figure out how this guy fits best. Last year he got mauled lining straight up on the guard. The same would happen this year getting doubled at NT if he stays at his current weight and strength. I’m thinking the hybrid 4-3, 3-4, 46 a la Rex Ryan is the wave of the future, and playmakers like Dorsey can be utilized in a variety of looks without pigeonholing them at a particular position. That makes them hard to scheme against and block. I’m more concerned about what to do with Hali. He’s weak against the run and isn’t fast enough to play LB in the 3-4, so I guess he could be a situational pass rusher. I like McBride more as a 3-4 DE. Coming out, he was more of a DE-DT tweener. He can get to the passer, but I think he has the ability to be a solid DE in the new scheme if he gets into good shape this offseason after his untimely injury last year.
March 7th, 2009 at 4:31 pmI meant “he is not going to be traded” my b
March 7th, 2009 at 4:32 pmgood info Dr. Paine
March 8th, 2009 at 1:31 pm