Andrew Dice Haley: Nursery Rhymes For Nursery Times

Yesterday, as I watched Herm Edwards on NFL Live, I had an epiphany. Harm cast as an NFL head coach was like Eddie Murphy, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Ice Cube (only a matter of time) in those craptastic Daddy Day Care movies. He was in over his head. The players saw him as their buddy — not as their boss. He wasn’t feared and respected like one of the Bills — Belichick, Cowher or Parcells — and as we all know, Bills win Super Bowls.

Enter Todd Haley. A few veterans must have been expecting Kindergarten Coach given the team’s recent head coaching hires. What they got was something totally different. In fact, a “tum-ah” might have been more fun given that they had grown accustomed to Pee Wee Herm’s playhouse.

The Chiefs new head coach is not only a hard ass — he’s a smart ass. I’m thinking Andrew Dice Clay with more of a Pittsburgh accent, maybe even a little Dirty Harry thrown in for intimidation. I’m glad he came in here busting balls, honestly. Now that Haley and Scott Pioli are here — and their reputations do precede them — it’s time for the players to STFU and trust The Pioli Trinity to do its thing. Yes, even Tony Gonzalez.

Just who do the Chiefs’ veteran stars think they are? What is the deal with their sense of entitlement? Brian Waters demanding to meet with Haley and Pioli to discuss football would be similar to Chris Brown demanding to meet with Joe Biden to discuss his Violence Against Women Act. Just ludicrous.

Speaking of domestic abuse, Larry Johnson wants a fresh start. So do we, Larry, so do we. But the bottom line is that the Chiefs signed you to that long-term deal you demanded, so you’re here until Pioli tells you you’re not. Your heart may belong to Jesus Jay-Z, but your ass belongs to the Chiefs.

No wonder we traded for Mike Vrabel and visited with Bobby Engram. We need captains — not crybabies.

After his infamous “22 guys off the street” comment, I can totally see Haley going all Diceman and screaming “ohhhhhh!” Can’t you? Or maybe it’s just more fun to imagine it that way. Regardless, my imagination went wild. Here are some of Andrew Dice Haley’s nursery rhymes, written especially for some of the Chiefs’ vets:

To Larry Johnson:

Larry, Larry, quite contrary,

Only three damn yards on every carry! Ohhhhhhh!”

To Brian Waters:

Little Boy blew…he went 2-14! Ohhhhhh!

To Derrick Johnson:

Three blind mice, see how they run.

Where the f*** did they learn to tackle? Ohhhhhhhh!

To Tony Gonzalez:

Little Mr. All That,

Sat on a yoga mat,

Drinking his vegan shake,

Along came his coach then,

And sat down beside him and said,

Hey, when’s the last time you went to the Bowl, bitch? Ohhhhhhhhh!

To Damion McIntosh:

Hey diddle diddle,

The cat and the fiddle,

The cow jumped over the moon.

That’s more than my lazy right tackle does,

The fat, f***in’ smelly baboon

In all seriousness, I hope he doesn’t take it to this level. But I am glad the players now know who’s boss. About time.

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Tags: Andrew Dice Clay Brian Waters Damion Mcintosh Derrick Johnson Kansas City Chiefs Larry Johnson Scott Pioli Todd Haley

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