The Thigpen Illusion - Mirage in a Desert of Chiefs Hopelessness

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In this week’s Crane Damage, I’d like to address the newest, latest and greatest in the world of Chiefs Fandom. The Thigpen Illusion.

Now before all you Herm Apologists and homers and insane sheep come out and stomp your feet and cry “but we ARE looking better”- hear me out. I’m you! I’m die-hard Chiefs! I hate Denver and Oakland and can’t imagine going to a game in any other stadium than Arrowhead! I am the guy that found Joe Phillips! I am the guy who called for Brodie Croyle’s head! I am the guy who gave you LJ’s accuser! I love you man! Sometimes when we love so deeply we have to give out some tough love. Lock the doors, this has went from column to intervention.

I think Tyler Thigpen is good. I’ll say it again, Tyler Thigpen is good. The guy looks like a capable NFL QB. I don’t know if he can start and win games yet, but he gives the illusion of a good football team. A mirage in a dusty desert Chiefs fans crawl to — reaching out for, holding out hope that someone can rescue us from QB hell and quench our thirst for stability. Oh, hahaha! But then there’s Herm Edwards and Ashton Kutcher there at the water’s edge to kick sand in your face with his 32nd ranked defense. You’re on Punk’d!

Some of my detractors out there, newly-anointed Hermaphrodites, claim that I never have anything good to say about Herm. My reply is, give me something good to say! Why do you think I named him Harm? Because the guy does nothing but bad things for our team. We need a Hippocratic Coaching oath that includes “Do no Harm“, the Lombardi Pledge or Ditka Doctrine could be some good names for said oath.

Fact of the matter is, Mr. Thigpen hasn’t won a game yet, and its not for a lack of trying. The same old Herm reasons also apply here why we are still losing games- poor clock management, poor decisions on 3rd and 4th down, not kicking to send a game to overtime… Common denominator = Herm. The only reason the Thigpen isn’t hurt yet a la Croyle & Huard is because of the spread offense. Thiggy Smalls should be on his hands and knees every G.D. night thanking Chan Gailey for his head still being attached to his body.

We went to the spread offense out of necessity! Necessity! We had to get 8 guys out of our box so we could breathe on offense because Herm’s vanilla ice cream offense melted down our hand — and then like Brodie Croyle’s urine — went straight down the leg. Had we not switched to the spread, we’d be signing more guys off the street and Mark Wahlberg isn’t walking through the doors anytime soon.

You know and I know that we aren’t playing Herm football right now and that’s where this Thigpen mirage comes from. We see the ball flying around and making some first downs and even some touchdowns, but still come up short but “Hey at least it was fun to watch right?” Right and wrong, because next year when we have a starting QB and some semblance of an offensive line and maybe some new toys on defense we are going to be right back to square one with Harm Edwards football. Running the ball (if we still have LJ) and trying to play the vaunted Tampa 2 without the right linebackers and we are going to be having all these same conversations again.

  • Why can’t we keep our QB upright?
  • What is Herm doing/thinking/watching on that play?
  • Why are we losing games in the 4th quarter?
  • Why are we running the ball up the gut 3 times and punting?

Get ready Hermlovers, because this is what this site will look like just under a year from now.

Clark Hunt — if you or your minions are reading this, I implore you, I beg you…make your mark on this franchise. Its time to step out of Daddy’s rather large shadow and take the reigns of this stagecoach because its headed over the cliff and the horses have blinders on. Hire us a winning coach and the rest of the pieces will fall into place. None of this “do-over” and free shit season pass business. This football team is exactly that, a business. Treat it as such.

I love the Addicts and all Chiefs fans, but I spit the Herm Edwards bait out, and I’m not falling for this debacle and never will. We are worse than the Detroit Lions record-wise. Think about that.


I picked us to go 4-12 again this year. Not too much to ask for and it could still happen, but until I see improvement on the win/loss record, we aren’t getting any better no matter how thirsty we are for victories, what we are seeing now is a mirage, and a lot of Chiefs fans are seeing what they want to see.

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Tags: Ashton Kutcher Brodie Croyle Clark Hunt Herm Edwards Larry Johnson Mark Wahlberg Punk'd Tyler Thigpen

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