Carl Peterson Presents "The Producers"

Act 1

Kansas City. The Chiefs have just failed to reach the Super Bowl under the guidance of Carl Peterson and his good friend Dick Vermeil. Carl is down and out and is concerned about the future, particularly ticket sales. The next day, Carl meets with Bill Kuharich, who played a large role in keeping the Saints a punchline prior to his departure. Bill recants to Carl I have been through this before. I have a plan. We will hype up season tickets and bring in a new coach and then ride into the sunset of retirement. After a few minutes and some calculations, Carl realizes that “under the right circumstances, a general manager could pocket more money with a flop than with a winner. Mr. Kuharich agrees; you save money in cap room and don’t have to pay any bonus money. Carl proposes the ultimate scheme:

Step 1. We get Kansas City to rebuild Arrowhead, the majority of this effort to be paid for by the taxpayers.

Step 2. We hire the worst coach in the NFL.

Step 3. We base our franchise around three unlikely QBs: a fragile one, a worn-out one and one who was cut by the Vikings of all teams!!

Step 4. We continue to draft poorly.

Step 5. We ride our golden parachute into retirement.

Act II

Carl and Bill meet to discuss their big plan. They review a list of bad head coaches that would make Al Davis proud — one that includes the likes of Art Shell, Norv Turner and even Rich Kotite –  finally settling on Herm Edwards.  They like Herm for his prior experience in K.C as well as his leading the Jets to a 4-12 record his last year. Next, Carl provides “hand-picked” coordinators. First, a hasbeen, retread defensive coordinator who has already worn out his welcome in K.C. — Gunther Cunningham. The offensive coordinator selection was an offensive line coach who had no idea when it came to the complexities of the offense or even basic playcalling — Mike Solari.

Act III

The plan works flawlessly. The Chiefs boast a 4-12 record in Herm’s second year and start with a dismal 1-8 in 2008. The defense continues to perform well below expectations. Draft picks on the D-line were slow, out of shape and played uninspired. The highlight the blowout losses to Carolina and Tennessee. To make sure the plot is on course, Larry Johnson is suspended for a bar altercation with a women and the threat of a Tony Gonzalez trade is concocted. All of this further disrupts a team already in disarray.

ACT IV

Unfortunately, in the  disaster of a season not all is lost.  The Vikings’ reject becomes a starter due to injuries, and instead of falling on his face he becomes a credible QB who becomes better with every start. Carl panics, but there isn’t much he can do at this point — the fans and players had rallied around Tyler Thigpen, the most unlikely of stars.

Epilogue

Despite a disastrous 2-14 record, Thigpen becomes the franchise QB the Chiefs have been longing for. Carl, Bill and Herm leave town. Not with the golden parachute they plotted for, but instead with public scorn for their malfeasance. They go into to hiding. Meanwhile, the new Arrowhead is opened and Thigpen and new head coach Bill Cowher lead the Chiefs to the first Super Bowl in 40 years. Their play’s a hit! What a production, even if it all was completely unintentional!

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